(00:00) record on audacity okay okay all right it says recording okay so um i’ll read your bio and then we’ll just start asking you questions okay it doesn’t show anything on zencaster for me it doesn’t show um like it says waiting for host to join oh okay let me let me see what happens if i you told me i didn’t need to go in there but i bet i do need to go in there the producer um but since he made the link i have a feeling that he’s the host mm-hmm this is so fun i don’t think i’ve ever done that
(00:53) really i’ve i’ve interviewed like i’ve had a co-host on a podcast before we claim and we did two people with one interview but i don’t think i’ve ever been the recipient so this is kind of fun oh let me copy a link yeah it gets there’s a lot of layers of this technology going on here you two are doing all of the things it’s very impressive we’re doing all of the things [Laughter] trust me it’s less impressive than you might think where are you located i’m in l.
(01:29) a yeah okay i’m in orange county nice yeah go to mesa nice i don’t know why when you’re from orange county you always say orange county instead of like a city i feel like yeah i’m down here yeah it’s like the cool thing to say like i’m in orange county i don’t know i don’t know why i always have too it’s just what’s a very fancy county i think it’s just people know it now because maybe the show in the past forever it’s lazy i just say it that way i guess i’ll start saying so claim it
(01:59) you’re not the only one but um yeah i’m in la proper okay cool yeah all right so close yet i’d never make it down there i feel like almost ever yeah except for the airport it’s it takes a commitment to get it it really does yeah a time frame you have to be within and out in a certain amount of time if you struggle you’re [ __ ] yeah you’re waiting till like 9 00 pm yeah all right jade’s got two toddlers so as you can tell making sure they’re in and there’s a child outside my outside oh somebody
(02:41) else i don’t know why um daisy sip it i don’t know sorry guys i can put her outside um it should probably be worse out there the zen casters still giving you a show now it says that jade bryce is waiting for microphone access okay yeah okay here i’m in so but now it says waiting for a host to join okay so [Music] do i need to join that two jade or is it just no donut needs to join it really no you don’t one second [Music] whoa you have headphones on place i can’t yeah i have um people i just can’t see
(03:37) this i’m sorry i told you about the technology and together being together it’s just it’s a part of how this works oh my god you’re being fully good sorry there’s a wiener dog that got on my patio um okay it says waiting for house to join i think he has to join hold on you want me to call him waiting for him you can probably go on zen kester and just send another link um so sorry uh we changed the way that we’ve been recording so let me see oh i think i only have his dang it i think i only have his um
(04:40) it’s interesting that you guys do both i usually only do zoom yeah i mean we could just do zoom it’s another option jade we can just do zoom i guess um hi john um we are on with tais right now about to record but the zen caster link is saying that host has to be um because can we just record on zoom that’s what we did for dr shafali he said he just clicked on you guys see that no yes yes now it’s working cool that worked so just can you keep it on okay cool sounds good thank you i don’t need to be on that one
(05:32) though right because i’m doing audacity of audacity okay so sorry all right thanks john we’ve switched up everything all right um to try to make it easier for the guest but now we’re working out the kings and you’re good that’s totally good we’re a guinea pig sorry it’s totally good i’m happy to be the guinea pig so everything’s recording now okay so you got zen caster audacity and zoom perfect yeah okay all right all right so we’ll read your bio intro and then we’ll start asking you questions
(06:02) okay one more thing sorry to be picky your audio sounds weird to me it sounds a little echoey yours does too because we’re both on zen this happened with dr shafali remember and that’s why we only recorded zoom because i’m listening to you in two different places yep that’s what happened with dr shafali then i think we’re okay with just zoom okay so sorry okay it’s okay then okay um oh yeah that was it that is yeah i forgot that is what happened with shefali and with brandon duncan remember
(06:44) yeah yeah oh and tell you are you on a mic are you just on your computers mike i’m on this mic i feel like i can well hold on okay look at you got my own podcast yeah you have that handy oh yeah hold on so then when you once you get that plugged in go to the bottom left of your zoom uh yeah i know i got mercedes [Laughter] okay it connected to me automatically awesome let me just okay okay now i got a black fuzzy perfect awesome okay awesome all right so let me introduce an esteemed life coach international speaker and
(07:31) mindfulness teacher she is a truth speaker and healer on a heart-like mission to support the seekers of the world reclaim their sense of belonging she coaches women on how to explore trust and express themselves unapologetically and to heal what she calls the worthiness wound her journey began in attending to her own childhood trauma and has led her to study emotional resilience somatic therapy social justice and spiritual psychology in search for sovereignty and healing she has spoken on stages around the world and is a soon-to-be author
(08:02) her credentials include formerly consulting for the us government and she’s received a prestigious first class degree in management and has since built a thriving business which was nominated for 2017 forbes 30 under 30 award she is currently back in school to receive a master’s in clinical psychology she also hosts her weekly podcast called reclaim and the huffington post calls her an inspirational woman and we cannot wait for you to find out why so please help me welcome tyce skye hello hi you probably the longest bio we’ve ever
(08:36) i know it is so fun to listen to my own bio [Laughter] i bet it’s one heck of a resume and i do want to get into the details of your own story and how you’ve dealt with your own trauma but first maybe to kick off the show you could define for us and our listeners what the type of trauma that you deal most with is like define what trauma is and how and why it affects each of us differently um well trauma has become such a a buzzword and it’s become um so it’s it’s it’s removed from i think the more
(09:18) clinical the um where the word comes from now and it’s become such a common understanding of anything that kind of activates and and um alters the nervous system so that’s what we’re going to go with this isn’t like the clinical definition of trauma but the way that i understand trauma is an event that we perceive as a threat to ourself and it alters the way that we then understand the world and so there’s always a um a nervous response um the nervous system has to be activated and we usually don’t know how to process
(10:00) what’s happening um and that’s what lands as trauma in the body so for me i my work is focused on this concept of the worthiness wound which is a concept that i developed after extensive amount of research and work in the field of attempting to understand why it is that amazing powerful badass women right women who kind of on the outside have everything that it takes for them to be successful and to go after what they want um find themselves in this paralyzing sense of inadequacy and unworthiness and there is a deep connection between
(10:36) the worthiness wound and trauma most often what we find is that in order for us to have most of us who have a worthiness wound also have a sense that who we are is not okay and how we navigate the world is not okay and that typically comes from trauma but i don’t um i don’t want to confound the two because i want to make sure that when we’re talking about the worthiness room that we’re really accessing an emotional space within us that may or may not activate the nervous system but it certainly lands for us as a way that
(11:09) we’re seeing the world where we feel like who we are is not okay so this isn’t just like a momentary like oh i got a new job i kind of feel inadequate it’s more of like a deep sense that who i am is so deeply flawed like everyone else got the book of life of how to navigate the world except for me that type of feeling is that usually rooted somewhere deep in your childhood typically yeah and there’s a lot of variables and a lot of um uh words are slipping me tonight um elements of the worthiness wound but
(11:42) yeah most of what we find is that if we did not develop a foundation of worthiness in our childhood it’s very hard for us to have a foundation of worthiness in our adulthood and so most of the times what we’ll find is that if we look at the worthiness wound and if we dig deeper it’s stemming from childhood yeah so so what about your story what brought you to this work yeah so um you know i developed an eating disorder um in college it was never formally diagnosed so i call it disordered eating but it was a pattern of a relationship
(12:13) with food that was pretty detrimental and i had no idea what to make of it um i kind of came from at that point like a life where i thought was privileged and great and like yeah i had some hard times in childhood i immigrated to the united states when i was seven from brazil and left my family behind and um so there was like some bumps on the road but i thought all in all like my parents are the best that they could and childhood was great and so being in college and having this disordered eating and kind of confusing relationship with food
(12:45) really um propelled me into this downward spiral of of um complete like who the who the hell am i like who am i what is going on here um and so i started going to um uh work with the therapist the healer and we worked together for gosh ten years and what she helped me uncover was that you know my understanding of life was very much affected by how i understood life as a child so how i how i was related to as a child affects who you are as an adult and the more i did my own healing around um my eating disorder and my
(13:23) relationship with my body and my relationship with myself i started getting into yoga and wellness and um i started to understand about wellness coaching and health coaching so i decided to become a health coach and then that led me to become a life coach and now i’m getting my master’s in clinical psych it’s all been just this commitment to trying to understand myself and trying to understand the psychology of women and what i found was that again and again it seems like even if we have the right mindset even
(13:51) if we have the right marriage and we’re making the money that we want and you know we kind of are living the life that we’ve been told that we should have to be happy we’re still finding that there’s a place within us that feels like we don’t really deserve it and that we’re we’re really quite inadequate and we’re really not okay and so what is that what is that phenomenon and i became so curious about it because that’s what was experienced i was experiencing where you know in the coaching industry it’s
(14:19) everything is so tantalizing this idea that like you just gotta get out of your own way and you can do that by just having the right thoughts you know and if you have the right thoughts you’ll manifest the right things and then everything will be good and i really got bought into it and yet it wasn’t working for me and i got so frustrated like i was a believer in manifestation i was a believer in mindset work and yet nothing was working that’s when i became a more of an explorer of the shadows and like what
(14:46) does it mean to kind of integrate this the dirtier parts of ourselves the more shameful parts of ourselves what does it mean to um activate a sense of worthiness that doesn’t have to do with kind of like the capitalistic notions of money and wealth what does it look like um when we uh kind of intertwine privilege and um uh race and um uh fat phobia and and transfer like what happens when we intersect all those things like what’s at the core of the human experience um and so that’s been my story and it
(15:17) continues to unfold and i continue to be so fascinated by like what does it mean to be a human in this messy world you know yeah were you it may have been because you’re one of my favorite pages to follow and i know a lot about what you post has to do around trauma and i can’t remember if it was you that posted this but someone posted trauma is anything less than nurturing hmm was that you and if not do you no that wasn’t me but i love that um here’s the thing it’s trauma typically in childhood is a
(15:53) relational injury and so if it’s a relational injury then it makes a lot of sense that kind of the opposite of trauma would be nurturance so i understand a lot of my work through kind of attachment theory which has become kind of like a more popular it’s become very pop psychology but what i love about attachment theory is that what it tells us is that human beings are wired for connection you know we are wired to want to biologically connect to other people in fact as a baby it’s imperative that we
(16:28) learn how to connect to our caregivers it’s typically our mothers but not always of course um but if we are not able to connect with our mothers that causes a dis-ease in our bodies that causes a disease in our minds that could be because of circumstances it could be because of our caregiver it could become be a variety of factors but i i love that yeah 100 on point in that our relationships particularly in childhood determines our resiliency and our capacity to then kind of navigate trauma as an adult yeah that we
(17:03) had maddie moon on who we love and she said that she was you know she doesn’t preach the whole like you have to be whole before you can have someone else and um that it’s okay to crave that connection and it was so comforting to me because i think she was the first person i ever heard say that because i thought that something wasn’t right with me because i i crave connection and i crave um that partnership and so um i really uh enjoyed that talk with her but i was also i love maddie and i yeah show that you said that because
(17:37) i think it’s really important that we recognize that this idea that in order for us to like be loved we have to love ourselves it it places it it is devoid of complexity which is that oftentimes when we’re feeling the most unloved the way that we are reminded of our lovability is other people’s love you know and so i love talking about needs and neediness because i think that that is something that is so often labeled on people who are more emotionally in tune with themselves and um we’re afraid of being needy we’re
(18:10) afraid of needing others we’re afraid of um yeah of having needs and it’s important for us to recognize that wherever we have um a large sense of like i don’t have enough of this it’s because we literally don’t have enough of it right you know like if we if we feel like we don’t have like we need love it’s because we don’t feel like we have enough love and so there’s no problem in that we do have to just then look at what’s preventing me from letting that love in yeah and maybe also
(18:47) waves so in the attachment styles yeah but also recognizing that when you’re asking someone else for the love or saying i need to get it from this outside source just like um you hear the comment you hear the the thought mentioned of you can’t recognize um something in someone else if it doesn’t already reside within you so noticing that you need this thing outside of you or you think you need this thing outside of you is really ask for yourself to look inside and figure out how you can create that for yourself or create the space
(19:23) for it for yourself or create something be open to it at the least yeah yeah i have always felt like a like like a kind of a needy person um and always like um i’m too much but also not enough which is so complex and i’ve always felt like i’m just too much for someone to understand um there’s too much depth in different directions in here and um so i really really relate to your message um and um i wanted to ask um about how to prevent passing trauma onto our children but um really quick i was gonna
(20:03) share with you this last weekend at an is ceremony um i was feeling that way like feeling like i can i can’t be mis i can’t be understood by people and that it was one of the reasons why i lose my temper with my kids and raise my voice is because if they’re not hearing me it like triggers that can anyone hear me can anyone understand me well it’s because you weren’t heard right i mean that’s a simple trauma of not being heard right 100 yeah so um then i spent time with four people the medicine took me to
(20:35) spend time with four people mercedes was one of them um who do understand me and i felt that connection and it was very healing one of them was my best friend tom shadyac and when i spent time with him i became this like really intricate like game of thrones looking ship that had every animal you can imagine that made made it up and instead for the first time ever instead of feeling like this is too much for someone instead i felt who could get bored what an adventure you know and it was really really healing so um i know
(21:05) as women we tend to feel like we’re too much and not enough like i said but um that can be also such a great thing yeah and you know this idea this feeling of too much so let’s break it down again in childhood you know if a baby is crying and they get their needs met if a baby is angry or a toddler is angry and the mom gets angry with the toddler this is called mirroring right like when a baby is crying and the mother is holding nurturing um that’s called like holding but mirroring is a special skill of like if you’re
(21:42) efficient you should try this sometime you know jade if you don’t already it’s like when your toddler or your child is throwing a tantrum to throw a tantrum with them because what’s happening is you’re showing them heard you’re showing them what they’re doing we don’t have that self-perception as a child to know what we’re doing so when a parent or an adult or a caregiver mirrors to the child what they’re doing you can do this also by saying it like you’re angry right now right we’re
(22:10) mirroring to the child what they’re experiencing what they feel is that you can contain it that you can hold it right that you that you have the capacity to be with their feelings the too muchness comes when we don’t get that when we feel like our anger pushes away our parents when we feel like something that we do or say this makes them turn away from us in some way now we’re told that this feeling that we’re not being mirrored is too much because it cannot be contained the consequence of it is detachment
(22:43) right it’s a rupture in the attachment and we can’t tolerate that and so then we feel like we have to suppress it and then we feel like it’s too much that’s when we feel like we’re too much and so there’s an important distinction that i want to make particularly around trauma you know you’re saying jade that you don’t feel heard there’s a difference between our feelings our data not direction right i say this often that our our feelings are information but they’re not telling us what’s actually happening so
(23:13) sometimes we get confused we think i’m not being heard no one is hearing me but that’s actually not what’s happening what’s happening is that you feel not hurt and there’s a huge difference because when you feel not hurt and you can own it that it’s your experience you can explore it and you can determine if it’s actually reality based or if it’s just a feeling if it’s trauma it’s all you see all you see is that you’re not being hurt and then you react from that place
(23:39) so giving ourselves space to feel however we feel honor what we’re feeling tending to the little girl within us who’s not feeling hurt allows us to then open up to the ways that we are actually being heard and in the ways that we’re not being heard communicate our expectations and our boundaries clearly um but while we’re operating this narrative that i’m not heard and having that be a truth instead of your own experience of it the reality right then we’re going to be continually perpetuating the pattern
(24:07) from childhood of not being heard you know and then pushing away and then shutting down and then getting angry you know and then whatever the pattern happens to be so how do you tend to that little girl so um this is called like re-parenting or learning how to parent our inner child and um this work is like really really really profound and what we’re acknowledging when we’re doing this work is recognizing that we all have a little person inside of us who’s frozen in time at a time when they didn’t know how to
(24:37) process what was happening um so like you know it could be something very benign to the adult um adult brain like we can look back and be like that wasn’t such a big deal but to us as a child it may have been a huge deal we didn’t know how to process it and so now that part of us is frozen in time unable to move on um and so re-parenting looks like learning how to tend to her and mother to her the way that we were not mothered the way that we were not tended to so for you jade it would look like listening to her wherever she feel like
(25:10) whenever you feel this energy of like i’m not being heard you know taking a moment connecting with her within yourself and tending to her and hearing her what is it that we’re i’m not hearing from you let me be here let me support you let me mirror to you or let me hold you let me be here with you as you’re throwing your tantrum about not being heard um and as we do that what we’re doing is we’re cultivating two things we’re giving ourselves permission to have the shadowy messy part of us that we are all
(25:37) trying to kind of deny and pretend doesn’t exist and we’re also actually cultivating our our capacity to be adults right we’re developing an emotional maturity of being able to hold a part of our experience without letting that be all of our experience and we’re also learning how to relate to ourselves in a different way we’re in an aspect like unhooking ourselves from an expectation that our caregiver particularly our mother is going to change and somehow not be who we want them to be and instead we’re reorienting
(26:07) that energy into how we can nurture ourselves hold ourselves in the way that’s supportive yeah so what does the actual action look like with the toddler i mean you have the tantrum with them for instance and then how do you end that so that they understand you know how to process what just happened um so you know there’s so first let me back up so the best way that we kind of start this work this is new for anybody who’s listening you know the best way to start this work is through a guided meditation where you’re guided to
(26:43) me your little girl or your little boy or you know your little non-binary child within you you know this is a this doesn’t have to be a gendered experience but um you are guided to meet this little being inside of you and there’s so many meditations available online all over free ones um i have one on my website i mean there’s so many amazing things resources out there so doing a guided visual like visualization meditation of your little girl helps to you introduce yourself to her because what you’re
(27:11) doing is you’re developing a new relationship with her um so in order to start a relationship you have to meet her right you have to get to know her you have to introduce yourself to her um usually in particularly my guided meditation but most guided meditations you’re invited to meet her in a place that she feels very safe so recall in your mind’s eye a time in your childhood where you felt very safe maybe that’s a childhood bedroom or in school if home didn’t feel safe for you or a playground
(27:37) wherever she felt most safe and secure and typically when you close your eyes and meet her after the guided meditation that’s where you’re going to find her and so okay so in the moment that jade is feeling unheard the invitation of course is to take a few breaths um if you can step away step away if not kind of deal with the situation the best way that you can be very tender with yourself that you’re activated kind of acknowledging that there’s an activation acknowledging that there’s some flared
(28:04) up feelings um giving yourself the opportunity to kind of navigate it with grace knowing that it will be imperfect because you’re activated and then doing your best to kind of step away if possible if not at the end of the day where whenever you can take a moment close your eyes and see if you can bring her her her image into your mind’s eye and yeah so in that moment let’s say if jade was able to kind of step away she closed her eyes you know and she saw her little girl throwing a tantrum about not
(28:30) being hurt and so like what would you have loved your mom to have done at that moment you know maybe you would have loved for your mom to mirror you and throw a tantrum with you or maybe just to be there present with you or maybe it’s to hold you right it’s whatever you want or you wanted your mom to do that’s what what you’re now invited to do um and so it’s giving yourself it can be 30 seconds it can be 5 10 20 however long you want it to be or just doing that of doing what you really feel like you wish you are
(28:58) caregiver did to you to yourself so that may mean um holding her um and just letting that be a part of the experience and then saying kind words to her like you’re okay this is okay um and then being able to move on i like to also remind myself because i know my inner child comes out um you know in conflict or when i’m feeling abandonment i like to remind myself that i also now have this wise woman that when my inner child speaks up or cries out that because i now have this wise woman i can have her tell that that
(29:35) inner child you know what she needs to hear in that moment like right at that moment and if i call on that wise woman there’s like i feel my anxiety kind of you know i love that that’s so beautiful yeah i love that very much so with the um having the tantrums with the top with your your toddlers um not the one within but the ones in front of you would that be your number one tool for how to not pass on the trauma i think the mind i mean okay so first off i’m not a mother so i bow to mothers i you know do not pretend to know anything
(30:10) about being an actual mother you can’t even like um but i would say that my number one kind of thought around how to not pass on trauma to your child is to do your own work 100 100 that’s it it’s like you know if things you’re going to mess up your child that’s inevitable it’s i think a part of the human experience we’re not here to have the perfect human experience we’re here to kind of navigate our brokenness and so we get to thank our mothers for passing on their brokenness unto us and we’re going to pass on our
(30:46) brokenness to our child so we kind of have to be tender with that fact because i know that that’s hard and i know that there’s a lot of perfectionist tendencies that i hear around um circles with mothers and there’s a lot of resources out there on how to be the perfect mom there’s a lot of shame yeah i hear all that um but the best thing that we can do is do our own work because when we do our own work we develop a deeper relationship with our partner and our relationship with our partner is the
(31:11) most important thing that we can do to show a child how to have intimacy how to have connection how to deal with ruptures and repairs you know so like it’s so important for us to be committed to doing our own inner work um that it’s not a bulletproof kind of thing of course not but it’s the best i think the best thing that we can do for ourselves and um the generations to come yeah yeah i think that probably bleeds over into all relationships we’re involved in even with our own parents in front of
(31:43) our you know our kids watch those relationships too i’m sure a lot or any anybody even our friends you know close friends in the family all that yeah so um i know we already talked about this a little bit but um you did an amazing series on your show about reclaiming worth um can you talk to us about that about and the worthiness wound as you like yeah yeah it really resonates with me so um i loved that series that was a lot of fun um so the worthiness wound right is this deep sense of inadequacy it’s an emotional wound um
(32:19) and so the reclaiming warf series was all about how to kind of understand it unpack it navigate it different concepts different ways that we can look at ourselves um and i think the most important thing that i can say is that i think most of us wherever we have this place where we feel inadequate and kind of um broken and insufficient etc i think our tendencies want to diminish it it’s kind of there’s a lot of shame around it so we want to kind of tuck it away and pretend like we’re fine there’s
(32:46) a whole mentality you know faking it till you make it type thing like pretend like you’re not inadequate and then you’ll over you know you’ll gain the confidence but personally this is my kind of perspective on things i don’t think any time that we try to pretend like there’s not an experience happening inside of us that that’s the most effective way that we can kind of navigate our lives um i think all experiences within us is informing us it’s all information um and it’s not
(33:14) always the appropriate time but there’s always a time to find a moment to do the work of investigating what is the inadequacy here you know what is the fear here and so i that’s this is what i call like exploring our shadows is like instead of pretending like we don’t have these uncomfortable experiences or emotions what are these uncomfortable experiences and emotions were literally the doorway to our greatest healing you know this idea like okay so like let’s back up so like if we’re like just
(33:43) starting yoga for the first time or like entering the spiritual world we kind of hear this phrase a lot of like go within right like all of the answers are within which i love that like that’s so holy so beautiful so amazing but what does that actually mean right like if if we think of again if we’re talking about spiritual concepts and we understand that like our internal landscape is as vast as the universe right we hear that i mean the universe is a really vast state where where will you be going you know
(34:11) if you don’t have direction like it’s just easy to become lost and so this idea of the answer lies within can be very confusing if we don’t know where to start overwhelming for sure yeah i’m always under the kind of understanding that like great so where are you most triggered like where are you most activated where are you feeling the most uncomfortable where are the feelings that are coming up that are feeling the most yucky inside right i don’t like the idea of negative or positive emotions i don’t
(34:37) believe that they’re negative or positive but there’s feelings that are more uncomfortable to feel that’s where i think lies our work it’s the invitation for integration right so it’s like wherever you’re activated with it wherever you’re triggered that’s that’s the invitation to do the deeper work yes take that direction yeah it’s right there it’s arrows pointing towards powerful yeah and i think once you uncover that and you can work through that it points you in the direction next of whatever
(35:07) the next layer is you need to 100 get involved in and it can that can be so um useful just in daily life like it doesn’t have to be this huge um you know inner searching it can be like that one person that bothers us at work okay well they’re a mirror why do they trigger me what are they you know what is unhealed in myself that makes them bug the heck out of me especially especially when it’s a pattern that you notice or something that’s reoccurring that you notice you get triggered on maybe by multiple
(35:38) people maybe by the same person maybe it’s you know a parent or someone really close to you that you don’t talk to anymore because they trigger you so damn much you can’t even look at it anymore that’s probably first on the list of what you need to look at yeah and like i will say i don’t know i personally have sometimes a little problem with this idea of saying that people are mirrors only because i think that we’re we’re not mirrors in that if you look at me you don’t see yourself you see a
(36:08) different person and i think that we forget that i in in the relationship there is you there’s also me and then there’s a thing that’s activating in you there’s a thing that’s activating in me and so when we look at as things are only mirrors then it kind of unhooks the other person from the damage that they may be doing you know so if we say oh that person is you know bothering me at work it’s because they’re near for our own stuff then we’re not maybe taking we’re not really
(36:35) looking how they may be responsible for certain actions that are hurting us so in some ways it’s the martyr a way that we’re kind of taking on all the responsibility and i’m not saying that that’s what the meaning is i’m just saying that’s what i think many people’s propensity is like we’re already kind of um quick to take responsibility well with me because then we also aren’t choosing to become a victim as well um because the the two instances that i can think of with this is like the two
(37:06) um two people that i work with that have a very similar personality that seem to bully everybody they trigger the heck out of me and i close up around them and so my whole perspective this whole time has been well why am i being triggered maybe i bully myself maybe um i still need to heal from bullying i had as a child instead of you’re right instead of maybe um maybe it’s them maybe exactly serious authenticity yeah and surrendering the outcome all those things are valid and true and what’s also true is that they’re jerks
(37:45) is that the opportunity here is to put in place certain boundaries or at least communicate your needs in a way for them to know that you’re not going to let them jerk you around right so it’s that’s what i love about thinking of life through a lens of relationship where it’s always what’s mine and what’s not mine and i think sometimes we’re too quick to take everything on as mine you know i had i just had this conversation earlier with my partner where i um been thinking i’ve been
(38:12) having some health issues and i was talking to him and i was like you know like i just have to think about like what’s the spiritual lesson here like what am i thinking about or doing that’s like contributing and like you know somehow there’s a lesson to learn here you sound like jade [Laughter] me a little bit and he was like oh so you want to make this your fault oh so this is not your fault okay so now this gets to be your fault that you get to fix and then you get to feel in control and then you get to feel better
(38:41) about life right and like that’s i think what we’re doing if we’re just not thinking about also that some things aren’t our faults and some things are other people’s things yeah i agree that in especially in this space very liberating yeah because you’re definitely working in this space you see it the most you probably witness it in yourself or you have over time over the time you’ve been studying this but we are act acting sometimes as human ping-pong balls where we kind of go from
(39:11) one extreme to the next where we might have always blamed some external thing and been externalizing externalizing all of our pains and problems and then we hit that sign was like okay obviously this isn’t fixing anything i’m going to have to change my mindset so then we start realizing well if i take responsibility i can start healing [ __ ] and changing [ __ ] but then we go so far into that now we’ve become like you’re saying jade almost a victim of our own response you know responsibility taking yeah and
(39:37) what’s so wild about it is that when that’s actually as it continues to be a way that we’re not taking responsibility because when we take it all on as it’s all me then we feel really really crappy that it’s all me it’s all my fault and then when we’re in that spiral there’s no empowerment there’s no like lens of like okay what’s mine and what’s not mine what’s you know what can i deal with what i it just becomes this overwhelming like i’m bad i’m broken
(40:04) boom worthiness right it almost relates for me to the the glorification of busy the way that people are so involved with all these things they got going on they’re too busy to do anything else and oh my god look at me my my workload is so intense and crazy and it’s almost like a pity party in a weird way but they think it’s the opposite you know to me it’s always come off like a humble brag like how are you oh i’m so busy yeah well i see busy as an intimacy issue you know and i think that we have an
(40:37) intimacy issue as a culture we’re terrified of actually being intimate with ourselves oh so true that’s really good so we want to remember that yes yes yes yes people are mirrors in that we’re constantly being activated by things from other people and it’s also fair to say that we live in a society with other people and not everything is our fault and that is actually truly empowering because then we get to play discerning what is mine and what is not mine and in that we now have a tremendous
(41:09) amount of opportunity to both surrender and take action cultivate boundaries and communicate things that i think were kind of really it’s hard to do and when we take everything on then it’s cut we get to cop out from doing that hard work of putting up boundaries of communicating um you know this idea of like for example an empath right this person that is so so sensitive and like takes on everybody’s emotions i mean what we’re really seeing is that empath is a response to trauma hmm enlightened yeah
(41:40) being experienced it’s actually a deep inability to hold boundaries because you’ve been taught that if you weren’t hyper aware of what’s going on at any given moment you could be in danger and so now we’re constantly monitoring the feelings and emotions of others we have to because we believe that we’re in danger and so we’re always walking on eggshells so being an empath like we get to use our our um kind of our coping skills from trauma we get to use it as our strength of course i don’t want to take that away but we do
(42:15) have to be aware that it’s a response to trauma and therefore unchecked empath quite dangerous um boundaries is is very very important to learn because that’s the only way that we’re going to cultivate the type of safety to find healing in our nervous system [Music] let that sink in [Laughter] i love that yeah that’s really really good yeah we have a lot i don’t want to move on to the next topic i have i have so many people in my life that i would say consider themselves especially an empath and i’ve seen in
(42:54) pain they you know suppose because they feel so um embodied in other people’s feelings or so embodied in whatever way that other people affect them you know and so we’re putting this like holy kind of um label for a really um inability to have a structured sense of self [Music] yeah we’re totally enmeshed in other people and so the opportunity now is to move towards individuation learning how to be our own self in the midst of connection yeah again that’s where the opportunity lies particularly in
(43:34) intimate relationships we have so much learning that happens in intimate relationships because so much of our stuff is activated and particularly our understanding of connection how can we need somebody else because it’s a valid to need something from somebody else again in the spiritual community i think we have this sense of like meet your own needs and like it’s all on you and you can’t need anybody else because you have to meet your own needs and i think that we’re missing the fact that again
(44:01) biologically we do need other people and it’s fair to want other people to to meet certain needs or else we wouldn’t be able to be in a healthy relationship there is a trade-off there is a give and receive in relationships and so the more that we can acknowledge that there are needs that we need in a relationship instead of taking it all on us ourselves we start to cultivate a deeper level of boundaries communication responsibility and a way of then being able to more deeply connect to ourselves [Music]
(44:32) your message is really comforting been really liberating i feel like um it’s uh so different than what people are used to hearing and and it can make what people are used to hearing can make them so hard on themselves and then it just is the site i mean that’s where i was that’s the only reason why i know all of this and i’m talking about this because that’s exactly where i was you know and i think that there’s so much beauty in these lessons um but it’s hard to kind of take in the beauty
(45:04) if we’re not owning the shadow parts of it as well it’s a lot of vulnerability yeah yeah and then it can go to a whole nother extreme though too i mean you see the other side of this where um more often than not it’s in men where they’ve become so hardened that they are literally toxic to themselves and the people around them and in a different way than an overly empathic person might be rigid and it’s it’s like um those are both uh a trauma response um neither of them are better than the other
(45:39) sure so let’s i know we’re supposed to move on to the next thing jade but on that end of of the spectrum when you’re so rigid what is what does that trauma look like that brings you to that place because i know a lot of people that could heal from figuring this out in their life yeah so often types um oftentimes uh rigidity is a sign of a wound um first off that’s for anything no matter how we relate to our needs wherever there’s rigidity there’s a wound so if you’re rigid about your gym uh schedule
(46:12) and it has to be this way and if it’s not this way you kind of go into a spiral there’s a wound underneath you know there’s an invitation there to explore because ultimately the opposite i think of of trauma response is a softness is a flexibility um is a resiliency and ability to kind of bend and be flexible um so so rigidity um or a kind of a shut off um is basically it comes from a childhood where we’re taught that our needs our needs are diminished um and our independence is more revered um so it’s like why you
(46:46) don’t need a hug like don’t be a [ __ ] you know that type of attitude of like you shouldn’t need to be loved like um typically feelings aren’t expressed they’re diminished they’re made fun of if you cry then your name called that kind of environment it doesn’t even have to be that extreme for us to kind of learn that our feelings are unacceptable that vulnerability is too overwhelming and the only way that we know how to now navigate the world is by valuing independence and so i think the reason like we live
(47:18) in a very patriarchal culture right and like uh the kind of patriarchal uh from our culture typical understanding is that emotions are um messy that you know being emotional is being um in uh like you can’t be counted on you know your burden exactly and so our culture tells us that feelings aren’t acceptable our culture tells us to be independent so we live in a highly independent environment where we can’t need other people or that scene is weak we have to value our intellect over everything else and so that’s what we get we get a lot
(47:57) of people um men and women and all the you know um people in between that feel like they can’t tap into their emotions they don’t know how to tap into their emotions it’s really unsafe and so it’s better off to not even have emotions kind of that rigid blocked off i don’t have emotions being needy is um seen as too much yeah i feel like we talk about this idea in one way or another on the show and and depending on the the direction of expertise that our guest has they all use different words
(48:33) from you know here we’re talking about empathy versus rigidity but sometimes it’s omega versus alpha or feminine versus masculine but it’s these polarizing parts of that live in each and every one of us and it’s figuring out how to land somewhere in the middle that is feels the most healthy and good for you to reside in yeah i love that you said that because so much of what i’m saying isn’t new and can be seen in so many different ways you know that’s the beauty of language and the beauty of
(49:02) being human is that we get to understand similar concepts through different lenses and kind of land in whatever feels good for us you know um but in terms of like feelings what because again the worthiness one is an emotional wound and so developing a new relationship with our emotions is a critical component of feeling worthy in our body and in our lives and ourselves um and if we’re not taught the language of emotions as children and most of us aren’t um we distrust ourselves we distrust our emotions and so
(49:31) you know learning the language of emotions is critical um to learning how to develop a different relationship with ourselves but it’s kind of like learning a new language it’s like learning french you know or um italian it takes practice it’s not gonna happen overnight and it feels awkward at first and you have to like work really hard and it doesn’t make sense and then pretty soon it gets easier and easier um but having a flexibility around our emotions being able to kind of let our emotions
(50:02) flow being able to tune into our emotions and information that we’re um kind of understanding from our emotions is key you know something that i mentioned at the very beginning is that trauma is in the perception of the event not the event itself and that’s really important um because we are we can’t assume that something is traumatic just because it would be traumatic for us right um there’s so many things that happen to siblings where one sibling understands what happened as trauma the other doesn’t right it’s because it’s
(50:28) our perception of it it’s how it lands in our nervous system and how it lands in our bodies that determines the trauma and so we can’t be invalidated in our trauma in that we can be people in value all the time what i’m saying is that like no one can determine whether or not something was traumatic only weekend that’s fascinating i feel like maybe that’s something to really try to get your kids to resonate to with is the fact that it’s like what you were saying the beginning too whatever your feelings are
(51:01) or acknowledging whatever your kids feelings are so that they feel heard is i guess doing that in a sense where they now feel like they can be in that feeling and be respected the fact that that’s how they feel even though you might have different domestications and don’t feel like that was traumatic your sister brother whoever who’s witnessing this situation might not feel like it’s traumatic it’s doesn’t matter what anyone else is feeling because we’re in our own chemical body bags you know these skin
(51:31) suits that we’re wearing we all have different makeups we all have different things that bring us to this very moment and we’re experiencing life from only our eyes so if we feel like we’re feeling yeah a terrible way then it’s that’s how we feel that’s our reality yeah and then that needs to be tended to and that’s valid um our emotions are always valid first no bad or wrong emotion second there’s no such thing as negative emotions or positive emotions there’s only emotions that are more
(52:02) comfortable and not comfortable for some people happiness is a very uncomfortable emotion you know some people um sadness or depression or hopelessness is more comfortable so it’s more helpful because it we get more information by kind of understanding if it’s comfortable or not comfortable yeah all emotions are valid how you how you perceive something how you understand something is valid there is what isn’t valid is acting out right it’s there’s just because you were traumatized doesn’t mean that you have now the
(52:33) excuse to be abusive i mean none of that is valid um but what we get to do is develop a relationship with our feelings where we get to learn more about ourselves and have a container where we can then allow those feelings to have a space that doesn’t need to be let out yeah create an arsenal of tools to to deal with our [ __ ] yeah and the inner child is one of the many many many tools that we can kind of put in our tool belt sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn’t help you know but it’s just one of many
(53:04) things that like we can access in those moments when we’re feeling so overwhelmed by a feeling when we can because what we’re essentially doing is we’re making that feeling and we’re kind of putting it into one part of ourselves so we get to separate ourselves a little bit from the feeling so it’s not so overwhelming and when it’s just a part of ourselves now we can tend to it versus when it’s completely consuming us and it’s overwhelming us there’s nothing we can do in those moments
(53:31) exactly exactly beautiful so we have a question from our magic mob ruth says i love when tais speaks about white fragility how can we talk to people about white privilege in a way that helps them understand ooh talk about a shift here yeah so one of the things that i think is really really important when we’re talking about the worthiness when we’re talking about psychology trauma is that they’re not all human experiences are the same we’re all one we’re all same and we all have very different lived experiences
(54:05) um and our culture kind of privileges those that have certain lived experiences over others right so the more that we kind of identify or appear um towards more identities that are accepted the more kind of privileged position we have in our society so for example if we’re white you know for a native english speaker if we’re thin bodied you know if we um are male have male anatomies or identify ourselves as a man um all those things kind of give us more privileges if we if our skin color is black if we are a woman if we are um
(54:45) fat bodied or uh you know if we um kind of are more towards identities that our society doesn’t find acceptable or beautiful or productive for capitalism where there’s more um kind of oppressive forces that are at play that hinders our ability to have the same lived experiences as the ones most privileged i hope i made sense with all that but i guess what i’m trying to say is that like all of us have different experiences how we are in the world as a woman is different than how we are in the world as a
(55:20) point blank how we are as a white person is different in the world and how we are as a black person period point blank so if we have these now assumptions that were that were stating as fact because that’s the way that our society is now we get to think about what are we going to do about the fact that some of us have identities that are more privileged than others what’s our responsibility in all of this right because while we may not choose to have been white we weren’t born white we are born with a certain responsibility that
(55:48) comes with being white um and that means understanding our privilege as a white person it means understanding how the way that we see the world though the wind on our back per se makes us see the world in a totally different lens than a black person um and that’s really really really important um because it’s very much um it’s easy for us to believe that because we see the world a certain way that everybody sees the world a certain way i think women have been fighting for thousands of years to kind of point out
(56:21) to the fact that just because man see the world in this way doesn’t mean that that’s how women see the world right and so now the kind of big conversation in our country right now is around racism um you know particularly because we have a president who is so overtly racist you know he’s really bringing the to the to the limelight what has been existing in this country for a very long time which is white supremacy um so he’s nothing new there’s nothing new about what trump is saying or doing um but he is speaking to
(56:54) what’s been kind of insidious and overt um which is that people with white skin are seen as superior and so what do we do about this you know and like first i find through my my research that the more marginalized identities we carry the bigger our sense of unworthiness the bigger our worthiness wound um because our societal our the narrative of society impacts our psyche you know we are deeply connected with our culture and if our culture is telling us that you’re not acceptable you know because you’re not a man we’re
(57:31) going to internalize that right and then that cultivate that creates that um worthiness fund so we have a responsibility first to kind of wherever we have the marginalized identities we have an opportunity to kind of um reclaim what it means to have those identities and see ourselves as not um weaker or bad than the uh privileged identities but seeing ourselves as like truly worthy beautiful individuals that’s our opportunity for those of us that have more marginalized identities right for example as women
(58:03) our invitation is to do the work within ourselves um to kind of really understand that we are of equal part if not more brilliant uh than our male counterparts okay so that’s kind of like the internalized experience of that now the privileged opportunity so those of us for example that are thin bodied our opportunity is to do um the work of understanding how our lens as a thin bodied individual has affected our ability to um respect and honor and see the dignity of those who are not in a thin body suit for example like fat phobia is
(58:44) everywhere it’s pervasive and it’s our opportunity always to be investigating where we’re biased towards thin people for example assuming that if you’re fat that means that you’re unhealthy or that you have lack of willpower etc when it comes to white privilege when it comes to whiteness there is an insidious belief that white is superior and it plays out in every single system in our country and so doing the work of understanding our bias understanding how we’re seeing things from a particular lens
(59:14) is really important if we want to honor the dignity of all humans and then as we’re doing that work we get to decide what that advocacy activistic you know work looks like in our lives i don’t know if i even answered the question to be honest but i just kind of went on and so i know it all makes sense and it’s um it’s a great answer i’m sure what ruth was looking for um but for like for me i get really really worked up over racism like it um it’s something that can um make me pretty emotional and i can get in very heated
(59:48) conversations so i’m curious in what way like what do you mean getting into heated conversation so um if someone if i feel and again our lenses can be very different but if i feel someone is white privileged and um they’re not seeing what people of color are going through i can get really worked up with this person not being mean to them but in a very heated discussion and i’m curious how we can help someone understand without being too aggressive and offensive because i do feel like that’s part of
(1:00:25) our our calling right now and it’s part of why trump is our president is so that this is broken open in our country and people who care about this stuff can speak out and [Music] it’s i think if you ask that question you will get a different answer to everyone you ask right because i think there’s so many different perspectives on how we need to be approaching these conversations for me personally and i’m not saying that this is the right way i’m saying this is just what i’ve landed on in my
(1:01:01) life right now is that what’s important to me is to not drop someone because they don’t hold the understanding that i do because by dropping them i’m doing a disservice in the long run because then they’re going to be even more closed off to hearing you know um so what do i mean by dropping someone you know again i i think this is one perspective and there’s always a lot of um caveats to this but i don’t think that like cutting your grandma off or making a racist comment necessarily going to be the best way to
(1:01:39) support her in changing her mind again lots of caveats lots of exceptions but overall i think cutting people out because they don’t necessarily get it in the first first conversation is a little short-sighted and we need to be holding each other right now you know we can’t be dropping white people because then they’re going to go towards the other way you know we have to hold our people up to the fire and the minute if we’re dropping them if we’re too quick to drop them then we don’t have an opportunity
(1:02:08) to re-engage so how to do it without getting heated i don’t know i i hope somebody learns and can teach me because it feels it it’s very easy to get very heated about this and i’m i’m learning how to not but i find that attempting to listen to meet them where they’re at and then to slowly make some counterpoints some counter arguments holding their hand being like taking them gently i find it to be the most effective way sometimes again i want to make sure i’m adding lots of caveats to this because
(1:02:44) it’s not always the case and it has to be a case-by-case moment but i’ve seen so many people in my life that i’ve um kind of just held them loosely so to speak like you’re gonna change your mind i trust that you’re gonna you’re gonna come to your senses and i’m gonna support you they get there they usually get there the people in my life who have kind of been abrasive and i’ve kind of cut off and i told them that like you’re wrong and you suck um are now more entrenched in believing
(1:03:14) that they’re right um so it’s hard it’s hard though because sometimes this isn’t not sometimes this isn’t a topic to be taken lightly and we don’t want to be coddling white fragility you know and we don’t want to be kind of like oh you you’re racist oh that’s okay honey you’re still loving like we don’t want to maybe do that because that’s not okay and racism is killing people every day and like you know so it’s a delicate dance of like how to find our way through it um but
(1:03:46) what i love about what you said jade and i think this is what i would like everyone to kind of get out of this is that having the conversation is better than nothing yeah and that’s our greatest responsibility is to be having the conversation with everybody with the neighbor with the grandma with the colleague like ev we need to be getting into these conversations and holding people to the fire we can’t be silent about these things because if we’re silent we’re killing people right so like we can’t
(1:04:16) try to like figure out when’s the perfect time to say something it would never feel perfect we’ll never feel like we’re doing it right i don’t feel like i’m doing it right right now you know like this is not my lived experience you know i’m a white person so like i will never understand what it’s like to be on the other end of racism i i can’t even fathom it and so i’m always playing a delicate dance of how much space do i take up in this conversation you know as a white person and so it’s so imperfect
(1:04:44) it’s so messy but we’ve got to be doing it yeah silence is complicity you know silence is not our friend we’re not going to be saved by silence no yeah i think that something that can help us wake up to white privilege also is maybe um you know i hear a lot of people say like um i don’t have white privilege i worked my way to the top i worked for where i am but you never had to do it like if if we can remember that like for people of color there’s like that even though they’re black you know they were
(1:05:20) allowed in here they were they were in for a white person it’s like they’re never going to have to experience that side of it so we can at least maybe just remind ourselves that it’s hard when we haven’t experienced it ourselves to imagine that anyone else has experienced that that’s the same for anything it’s like if we’ve never experienced a rollercoaster ride then like it’s impos it’s impossible to imagine what it’s like and so it’s easier to kind of dismiss it and be like
(1:05:45) there are no roller coasters right um so it’s hard to kind of wrap our minds around the fact that there’s whole swaths of people who are having such a totally different experience of the human on the human plane than we are it’s hard but then we just got to remember that the same is happening right now in the genders you know the same is how like it’s very hard for men to understand what we’re talking about when we’re like we have to what like like there’s a meme of like what’s the a
(1:06:20) man’s i’m talking heteronormativity here for a minute but like what’s a man’s biggest concern on a first date like whether or not she’s pretty like you know if she’s gonna pay you know what’s a woman’s greatest concern on a first date like whether she’s gonna be raped whether she’s gonna get a thing in her drink you know like we text our friends when we’re gonna meet a stranger letting them know our exact location like uber we share our location yeah right so the fact that
(1:06:46) we’re so unsafe you know it takes a toll on us and so if we if we’re having a hard time kind of conceptualizing and understanding you know white privilege it’s always helpful to kind of go into what is our lived experience as a woman and try to connect some dots it’s not the same by no means but it’s at least something that we can start kind of understanding at like how hard it is to convince a man about our lived experience well you know people of color have been yelling at us about their
(1:07:12) experience for a long time and we haven’t listened and so how can we expect men to listen to us if we’re not listening to our sisters of color yeah i i agree totally that this is a super um i’ll say that there’s a lot of fear around the conversation especially for someone who might be white because they don’t know how to approach it without offending someone but having a messy conversation is better than not having the conversation at all and it’s going to get you better at figuring out how to
(1:07:42) have the conversation so that you can get across like jade’s asking here the point you’re trying to get across and yeah and the only way we get better is by doing it yeah right like the only way that we get better anything is doing it every time we talk about it we get better and better we understand more and more we learn oh i actually still have a lot of gaps in my knowledge here oh great now we’re going to do more research and more understanding like listen i am like in by no means an expert on this and like i’m still very
(1:08:09) much at the learning and so i appreciate talking about this with my friends because i get to be more aware of all the gaps in my knowledge like right now there’s so many gaps in my knowledge around um all the other isms that i’m now doing more work to learn more about because that’s my responsibility as a human being you know to honor the dignity of other humans is to understand their experience yeah i think there’s a way to to meet people where they are like you’re saying and and respect the
(1:08:37) part of the journey that they’re on even if that’s not where you’re at and plant seeds which they will grow into eventually or all you can do is really do that and then have that faith because that’s exactly what you’re saying that’s kind of your calling as a human being on this planet yeah yeah i’d like to say before we move on to the next question um that for any you know um any person of color who is listening that um you know i feel like a lot of times we forget that you know their ancestors were
(1:09:11) chained up together and and that their um family members were were raped and their children were ripped from them and it’s so easy to just forget that that’s a part of our history and that it was not that long ago and so um you know that we are going to continue talking about it and um that we’re sorry on you know the behalf of our country and our culture for everything that is is going on but that we will you know continue to be a part of that conversation it’s amazing i was listening to um because i’m from brazil i was born in
(1:09:42) brazil so i was listening to samba and samba actually comes from black culture and it was it was uh and so is the carnival everything that we know about like the cool brazilian culture it all comes from um african roots and um from slaves and from the culture that they kind of developed um in in south america in brazil anyway so as i was listening to samba and like thinking about i don’t know what made me think about it but i was like everything good like truly like culturally rich like the dot like um feijoada the black bean super
(1:10:18) brazil comes from again it comes from black culture and so everything good about brazil and then also everything good about the united states comes from black culture it does everything good it’s vital it’s beautiful it’s it’s dynamic and it’s so wild you know that we think that white people are superior yeah right like unconsciously um and some people consciously it’s just so wild at how everything that’s good about this country comes from people of color comes from immigrants it comes from you know
(1:10:48) our americans it comes from indigenous peoples that’s what brings the best and yet we have this understanding of the world that it was the white europeans who were the masters of humanity and who had the most that’s what they taught in school advanced technologies exactly and it’s such a it’s so wild if we don’t question that it’s so wild that most of us don’t question it you know like we learned about thanksgiving we learned that there’s this beautiful peace offering between folks and white people and and
(1:11:21) we every year are basically celebrating the genocide of indigenous people unconsciously so it’s everywhere it’s steeped in our understanding of everything and we must investigate it and interrogate it every moment we’ve got it’s the most important thing we cannot talk about trauma without talking about this we can’t separate the two yeah that’s good um a lot to sink in here in this combo already please all right so on a slightly lighter note we have a pic pick your poison so these are kind of just another questions yeah
(1:11:58) yeah that we do on every show so would you rather all conspiracy theories be true or live in a world where no leaders really know what they’re doing well that’s what’s true right now already yeah annual consultant for the government so we thought you might know so i was a boring consultant i did t management like nothing nothing truly exciting but i would say i would rather all conspiracy theories be true because it would just spice things up you’re ready for the other one to not be true oh god there are some really effed up
(1:12:37) conspiracy theories though though you’re right what would you choose i would be afraid to sleep um we already know what it’s like on the side of the political um not you know people in politics not knowing what they’re doing so um i think i’m gonna i’m gonna go ahead and choose that because at least we can try to do something about it whereas the conspiracy theories some of those we would be absolutely fine like you know trails were really a thing they were throwing chemicals at us every single time so i can’t can you imagine
(1:13:13) the gwen towers the emf waves i’m thinking because if if because you know aliens if we’ve had contact with them we probably [ __ ] them up and now they’re probably angry with us and wanted to kill us so there’s a lot of things that could go wrong with that um yeah i mean i guess we’re all going to be on one side on this because we are we know we have a slight amount of control with the leaders the situation we’re already in but um also do any of us really know what we’re doing i mean
(1:13:53) so at what degree did these leaders not know what they’re doing is what i need to know to answer them all right there’s a few short questions we like to ask everyone who comes on the show so first off if you could hug your younger self right now which it sounds like you do often she’s a she’s a gal you keep in her your pocket um what would you say to her oh boy um gender language um i would say you know i love you that’s it i just i love you i love you i love you i love you and i’m here for you
(1:14:35) hmm yeah were you told that you were loved a lot as a child yeah yeah i was um my mother um brazilian very expressive very um fast too is to show to say i love you and smother me with kisses yeah yeah if you could have the whole world read one book which would it be oh i mean this is the ass like okay if if you’re asking like the clinical side of me i would say the body keeps score by bezel van der kolk it’s a really important read um i think everybody needs to read that book um it talks about trauma and how it we
(1:15:23) understand it in our bodies but if we’re going more on the spiritual side i would say the alchemist by paulo um i i just for some reason that book just brings out all my warming tingles and like i read it every year and it’s just yeah it just reminds me of all the good things in the world i feel like every every time you read it to it you get something else yes i love the romantic side of it it’s pretty remarkable oh someone wants to join us hold up do you want to see who is that who is it hi you have to look over there
(1:16:03) right now what’s his name like i don’t have earphones on who are you talking to all right if you could whisper one phrase to everyone on the planet what would it be yourself [Music] yeah yeah that’s hard it’s good it’s good all right before we let you go where can people find you online uh you can go to my website uh tellysky.
(1:16:39) com uh to learn all about me you can also i’m on instagram and i’m loving instagram so you can join me there i am ty skye um i share a lot of your posts to my story oh thanks jade let me tell you thank you both for having this conversation with me having me on and um i think we went on like a really beautiful ride together and so i’m just really appreciative of both of you and the wisdom that you are both putting out in the world through this podcast and this platform and for the conversations that you’re having i think it’s not it’s
(1:17:10) not very i it’s not very usual to find two white women kind of talking about things like white privilege i think it’s important i think it needs to be continued to talked about and the fact that that was a part of this conversation is really important to me it’s part of my values so i really appreciate that that happened and also yeah just thank you for having me on yeah we’re i’m so thankful i messaged you back in like october initially to have you on yeah um i’m glad that you reached out yeah
(1:17:42) thank you so much for coming on thank you thank you we really hope this reaches a lot of people because it is a conversation that we need i want everyone to hear yeah yeah i mean not just the white privilege stuff but just generally like seeking within and then also uh as we need to stop doing not you know stop taking ourselves everybody else yeah we gotta stop we don’t have time for that like we gotta take responsibility for what is ours yeah and like we gotta move on you know we got work to do here you know
(1:18:18) we’re living on a damaged planet like we’re literally dying you know but well literally we are dying every second also like our planet is coming to like an epic demise there’s no words to describe the apocalyptic kind of experience we’re having right now and so there’s no there’s no time to waste like this is the do the work that matters internally and externally there is no time to waste and so you know getting out of your own way means understanding what’s in your way so like get intimate with
(1:18:51) what’s happening inside of you so that you can embrace it and love it and integrate it and become this person that you were born to be and release the intergenerational trauma and step into your fullness you know like we just we have to get to work well thank you so much for having these conversations comforting yeah both of you for being such a powerful voice in this realm yeah we appreciate you thank you thank you thank you thank you all right ty so from here you’re just she can just close out right yeah i’ll just leave the
(1:19:28) meeting um thank you both so much i really meant of course we’re gonna air this monday morning oh great so send me all the links so that i can share with all the things all the people we’ll make some good videos oh awesome yeah thank you both of you thank you so much and let’s stay in touch please yes i’ll message you soon okay bye bye okay mercedes so now we just need to keep recording on obviously okay so to pretend she just got off well she’s quite the light isn’t she that that was honestly one of the most
(1:20:05) conver one of the most comforting conversations i’ve ever had really yeah i feel really really comforted i feel like she talked to my inner child yeah like she had some stuff you needed to hear that’s awesome yeah i did too i mean i really um think she’s she’s got she’s got a really uh articulate way of putting the information that she’s she’s done all that studying around out there into the world and if you’re articulately willing to listen you can absorb some real magic i agree
(1:20:35) speaking of magic um our magic tricks are up yeah what’s yours well i was going to do one base around the moon but i’ll save that for another episode because something else came up for me um that i’ve felt on my heart so i’m just gonna wing it here but uh so my magic trick is to you know you hear about abundance and and to have a mindset of abundance and living in abundance and i don’t know i feel like for most people they tend to automatically think about finances and provision and i have always struggled with a mindset of
(1:21:16) lack um [Music] but not just when it comes to finances and provision but that’s all that i thought that it was on but i realized in these last couple weeks that it has bled into every area of my life that if i’m if i feel like my job is on the line i act like that is the only job that i’m ever gonna have the ability to have yeah instead of realizing okay if i lose this job there’s a better job for me there are so many jobs that i can work and um just like um you know now being in the dating scene which
(1:21:52) i’m not too fond of dating scene in all the terms ghosting and all this stuff that i know jesus i know like five years ago this wasn’t going on um so you know feeling like a connection with somebody um you know i feel like sometimes we tend to think like oh i’ve never felt this i like this connection is so strong i don’t know if i’ll find this again and when i thought that i was being ghosted by someone i started to kind of like panic and think like oh but i have such a connection and right so great and he he matches my
(1:22:27) dream guy list and i had to stop and think there are billions of people on this planet he he can’t be the only one that matches my list he can’t be the only one i have a connection with and i had that like really woke me up to wow i have a feeling i have a mindset of lack in all areas of my life and when i moved into the duplex where i was having the landlord harass me i jumped into that duplex because i thought it was the only place that was going to be available at that price and so i got myself in this pickle you know but there
(1:23:00) were so many other places available in austin at that same price and i moved into one that was way better so our mindset sometimes we don’t see we have blind mindset of luck yeah um so my magic trick is to ask yourself where do i feel lack in my life where do i have a mindset of lack in my life because a lot of times when we are asked that if we have a mindset of abundance we only think about our provision and our finances but take it outside that and say do i have a mindset of abundance in my relationships and my friendships and my
(1:23:36) um i don’t know what else mercedes i don’t know my career in any area area yeah any area ask yourself is there any area that you have a mindset of lack and then ask yourself why and then and then do the work that it takes to transition it into abundance can have that talk with yourself that i had about that duplex or that guy this is um this really hits home with me because i’ll say especially in the beginning of my relationship with my husband who i consider i considered my soul mate when i met him
(1:24:14) right and that’s not to say that you don’t choose him but if he doesn’t choose you you can get another soul mate right so now i consider him one of my soul mates and i actually and i’ve said this on the show before i do believe that we’re all soul mates waiting to be discovered by each other and it’s just a matter of alignment it’s just a matter of being open enough to align and the timing be right and all the things that have to happen for an alignment but that doesn’t mean that it
(1:24:41) only happens once in a lifetime it means if you’re only open enough for it to have been once in a lifetime then it only happens once in a lifetime or if you’re only um you know really open is is the word putting yourself out there you know it’s believing that that’s the case that there are more than i don’t know though that i feel like anyone could be a soul mate but i do feel like if i feel someone as a soul mate and i choose them just because they don’t choose me doesn’t mean that i can’t have
(1:25:12) that with other people you know yeah i mean i think in the mindset of abundance the fact is that we are all soul mates just waiting to be discovered and that means that’s to my mind the most abundant way you can look at things because it’s not like oh you’re gonna you know meet anybody on the street and you’re gonna go this is the person of my dreams no because they’re not necessarily aligned in this time and space however the core soul of who they are the god that lives inside of them is connected to you in some degree or
(1:25:46) another and it just might not be in this you know dimension or in this time and space but if you gave it enough time in space if you gave it enough openness and you grew into that you could probably grow a connection deep enough with anyone out there if you were open enough to do that and they were open enough to allow you to do that to become what we would consider or what i consider a soulmate which is someone who you feel deeply connected to and who who you feel understands you and gets you and you get them and that’s what i think
(1:26:20) that’s what a soul connection is so you know disney puts it out as this magical thing that happens and we find this one person and it’s him or no one but when like i was saying in the beginning of my little story here is that when i met my husband that became a really scary thought because mostly because of he could die he surfs like every day he could you know something could happen god forbid to him and then and then what so that’s it for me for the rest of my life now i’m [ __ ] bummed out for the rest and i do think
(1:26:54) i do feel like we all have that one person but if something were to happen like you’re speaking or if they were to not choose us then they’re no longer our person and then we may have another person and and we can have another person so just having that mindset of of not you know not lacking i also think that because we it comes to mind since we interview so many people in open relationships or in just alternate styles of relationships that there is other options out there that feel good and fit for people’s
(1:27:27) lives in the time and space that they’re utilizing that method like open relationship or whatever where they’re having multiple people in their lives that they’re considering these really deep soul connections these kindred souls of theirs and that’s allowed and okay and when we close off to that and say no that’s not allowed maybe that’s not for me right now in this time and space but when we completely close to something that’s that’s basically shunting your abundance off of you
(1:27:57) if that makes sense that’s how i see it so i think there’s methods like you know what you spoke to in your magic trick but also just there can always be more opening it doesn’t have to mean that because that’s true that’s a good way to with other people being in open relationship or other people out there being your soul mate it doesn’t mean that they’re going to come and steal you away or your husband has other soulmates that they’re going to come steal him away or anything like
(1:28:22) that it means that be open to all the possibilities because being close to them does not help you trust me it’s only your ego telling you that it helps you and that’s a big big ass lie it’s your ego saying no i’m the only one for him and he’s the only one for me and you know that’s how it’ll be forever and ever and we’re gonna death do us death do us part and and even after that i want him to not be happy and you know mourn my more the fact that i’m not here to be with him or whatever but the
(1:28:50) reality is it’s not what you want you do want people to experience as much love as they possibly can that’s what your highest self wants your ego talking some [ __ ] into your ear so yeah well what do you have for magic so i was gonna have a magic trick that also had to do with the moon in the sense that it had to do with maddie moon one of our former guests that we actually mentioned on today’s show but since you’re gonna move your moon one i’m moving my moon one and so long on your magic trick i’m just
(1:29:15) gonna do this super short one that i i really like so um found this little quote on my yogi tea bag [Laughter] and uh it’s as simple as this it said trust is the union of intelligence and integrity which you got to just sit with that for a while and i’m not even going to go in depth on that at all but just say it one more time yeah thinking about this idea trust is the union of intelligence and integrity and her advice was to trust yourself there’s that interesting world yeah isn’t that interesting too that
(1:29:59) intelligence and integrity so if you think about the idea that we as a as a human or as any sentient being that has the ability to trust right the intelligence to trust and combine that with integrity those two things that meeting point of intelligence integrity allow us to have this thing that literally is like a lifeline for all humans on this planet all all sentient beings on this planet trust if we can’t trust in the people around us in the gravity to hold our feet to the ground and the sun to shine every day we
(1:30:39) can’t trust in those things we goddamn lose our mind right away right right like i think about that when all of a sudden someone you feel like cheating on you you have something come up your trust is is lacking or you did get cheated on and now you’re worried every day that the same thing’s going to happen this is just for instance but you can think of almost nothing else we we are completely consumed by that so integrity and intelligence that’s strive for that strive for that and others that’s all
(1:31:11) that is all i like that all right you guys thank you so much for tuning in if you found this conversation as comforting and just as heartwarming as we did then please share it with your friends and family this helps us so much you guys we really want to have this conversation heard so please rate review and subscribe and don’t forget to be a light be alive wait i also wanted to tell them that we release a new episode every monday so you can catch it next week or you can go listen to some of our past episodes in
(1:31:48) our podcast library um and and like jade said if you guys rate review subscribe it really does help us continue to do this show and that’s what we want to do so please we love you so much for doing it thank you in advance all right guys big thank you to at rayton royal for our intro jam and to john garza from real in motion productions for producing the show stay magical friends awesome i’m going to reread one sentence that i asked her earlier because i heard some noise i don’t know if it was my dog
(1:32:25) or a dog outside or what but i’m just gonna reread it just in case we need it okay so i know we already went into this some but you did an amazing series on your show about reclaiming worth can you talk to us about that and what you call the worthiness wound because this really really resonates with me all right okay all right it felt good to record again we didn’t record it inside now and the whole thing out of the damn loop i know all right um