I know many of you have asked me what I believe in, if I’m religious, if I believe in god, etc.
Here’s my current answer: I’ve been on a spiritual journey for literally my entire life. I was raised by two unwavering catholic grandparents, an extremely spiritual non-practicing-catholic mother with agnostic tendencies and an unquenchable thirst for cosmic knowledge, and to round it out a science-minded atheist father with a somehow endless supply of answers or at least analogies…
I was not baptized as a baby. My parents never steered me in any direction when it came to religion, I was never told by them that I needed to believe this or that. My grandparents, however, since day one were extremely directive in their desire for me to latch on to their religion; When I was still young, but old enough to think for myself, I did go along with them to church and went to Sunday school in order to finally be baptized and take communion, which I eventually accomplished. I subscribed to the catholic ideals and lived as though “he” was always watching me… despite the fact that I often caught myself questioning the bigger picture. There were many questions trapped down deep inside of me for years that I kept suppressed, all in the name of “faith”… Well one day that all came to a head. I was in 7th grade- a rather transitionary time- and one night as I was laying in bed all of those bottled up questions made their way to surface. I still remember that night, I started crying for seemingly no real reason, and one question after another pelted my mind like a storm of unanswered thoughts, emotions, and energies. My dad found me crying there that night. I asked him the one question that stood out amongst the others knowing that with an answer the storm would finally stop. I asked: What is the point of life if death is certain? Why are we here? What are we here for?(all ultimately the same question). Unfortunately, he didn’t have an answer… The man with all the answers didn’t have one. It wasn’t that he was stumped, he’d obviously thought about it before, he just didn’t have an answer. Knowing my father was raised a catholic, and over his lifetime had studied every major religion, plus he’s an incredibly book smart individual- his opinion on this matter, or lack there of, weighed heavily. I was utterly despondent. I cried for a full seven days, I couldn’t even go to school. I was searching for an answer that I knew might never be found; that thought was so hopeless I couldn’t see outside of it, it literally consumed me.
During those seven days I devised a sort of life-strategy, a way to at least move forward after being so stuck in my self-made purgatory; I answered my own question as best as I could with my 11-year-old brain. I decided the purpose of life is to be a part of the human race and see to it that it continues to thrive. I wasn’t a Star Trek fan yet but my internal slogan ultimately became “live long and prosper”. I know it doesn’t sound extremely profound, but in my 11-year-old mind it was the closest thing I could find to an acceptable answer.
I’ve carried that epiphany with me all these years, and though I’ve expanded upon it exponentially, it still holds true to me. In essence I believe that the purpose if life is to search for the purpose of life; And in order to do so we must, collectively as the human race, be concerned over all else with prolonging our existence.
I don’t currently subscribe to any one religion. I do, however, see value in many of the beliefs in almost every religion(mainly because most religions follow a similar set of morals and beliefs). I understand why the stories behind different religions were put in place; I’ve had plenty of experience with analogies via my father. It’s unfortunate that instead of practicing what their religion was actually set in place to inspire, people often narrow their perspective in accordance with society and miss the entire message their “god” was trying to convey.
Do I believe in a God? No. But do I believe in the word “god”? Yes. I believe that one of the definitions of the word “god” is legitimately something I could model myself after and strive towards being. God: the Supreme Being, understood as Life, Truth, Love, Mind, Soul, Spirit, Principle(definition #5 on dictionary.com).
Something not many people know is that I was a straight ‘A’ student in school, I carried a 4.0 GPA… I hung out with the popular kids, did drugs, went to all the parties, made stupid decisions, etc. but before any of that I always got my homework done. Unlike most of my friends, I was good at school, it was pretty easy for me. Unfortunately, I never talked about that much. I was an undercover nerd, who was insecure about delving deeper into the minds of my peers- mostly because I was afraid of looking dumb! When I look back on it now, the paradox is almost comical. I was missing out on so much in the name of protecting my ego, …such a shame.
However, as my life has taken shape over the years I’ve been fortunate to meet so many unique individuals who’ve inspired my way of life and my way of thinking immensely. I’ve let go of many of those insecurities that caused me to hold back, but I feel I still have a long way to go. I look up to people who live freely in their skin and are comfortable sharing their most inner thoughts with others. I strive to be someone who can set aside her fears of being judged in order to spread knowledge, share thoughts, and grow alongside these inspiring individuals. In efforts to nurture these goals I read a lot, watch documentaries, and I no longer hold back my urges to have “deep” conversation with those who show interest. It took years and years of self-motivated re-conditioning my mind to even accept that talking about these things aloud wouldn’t cause me embarrassment and regret. Now the only regret I have is how much time was and is still wasted not discussing things that matter most. It turns out I’m not alone, most people are a little bit hesitant to “go deep” but once I finally wrench the doors open it all just floods out! I don’t mind the surface level chitchat, I understand there are cultural and societal mind-conditioning that have been instilled in all of us since birth. But I want to be part of the movement that changes our perspective as a society. I want to be united with my fellow humans and feel the common energy that flows through each one of us. I think it’s extremely important that we find our way back to each other as a society. One love, one people.
I’ve been soul searching my entire life and I expect that will continue on throughout my eternity- wether in my human form or whatever from my life energy takes on. My favorite part of my current life is searching for the answers to the seemingly unanswerable. Hope for vindication is what drives me; finding out it wasn’t all for nothin’ in the end.
I do believe there is a revolution of enlightenment happening right now; one by one humans are letting the light in.
We are all at the cusp of an awakening. Isn’t that always the case? We are all now and have all always been at the cusp of awakening. Each and every one of us sits on the ledge our whole lives with the ability to huck ourselves over, and wether it be out of desire for answers, or circumstantial need for something more- some just choose to take that leap sooner than others. And I get it, we’ve all been pre-conditioned to avoid change and risk but …the only way to open that door is to open that door yourself. It’s one of those things no one else can do for you. You will live in the dark until you decide to make the effort to let in the light. And don’t you want to see? The truth is only waiting for those who are willing to risk the lies.
For all of you who are deterred or intimidated by words like: revolution, enlightenment, awakening, spirituality, renaissance, self-activation etc. -Google the definitions; what you find may surprise you. We are so conformed by society that we, ourselves, have unknowingly re-defined words in our psyche in order to segregate ourselves. We pass judgement on others too soon which causes us to separate ourselves from others, and we are constantly afraid of being judged ourselves. In reality we are all alike. We all have these common fears and reactions. We all just want to be accepted by others; if you stop to think about it it’s extremely simple: in order to create acceptance you must breed acceptance. In other words, being accepted with others starts with you accepting others.
Humans are both compassionate and self-destructive beings. Almost fated for failure. We use deflecting, and self-segregating as protection when in fact those tactics result in the exact opposite of what we actually desire. It’s my belief that our only true hope to succeed as a race is to embrace today as a renaissance; a new era where we put our yesterday’s behind us, we stop worrying about being judged, we practice compassion towards others, and we search for truth together. It’s a lot easier said than done, of course, but it is still possible.
If you’re changing for the better the term “hypocrite” does not apply. Being a better you is called: growth. Don’t be afraid of it. People in your life who don’t understand the difference haven’t yet had their growth spurt. Be patient with them and maybe your growth with help plant the seed for theirs…and in the meantime, you just keep blooming.
If this blog made you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself why. There are answers in there(inside you), you just have to want to seek them out.