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so this is where i hope and pray that my computer that has just been fixed because it had a big crash does what it needs to do today so no it’s all good okay he looks really nervous now actually i’m nervous for you mercedes but i was just gonna ask you do you want me to record locally so you can have like a pristine audio version and want me to send it over um should be easy for you that could be a good like just in case yeah if you’d like to i know the problem is that with zoom we can either break it into three different audio

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tracks or layer uh honestly at the end of the day right now i’m recording it as one track because it’s just been the easiest for but if you want to record on your side just in case my computer crashes feel free i have my ipad in case anything happens here to like jump onto this but it’s not the most ideal setup so ah man oh i have i’ve a lot of sympathy for you right now mercedes the tech side of it is not my forte and just not fun generally but it’s all good all right so we are recording we’re good

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to go so let us hit this thing off okay and dom real quick you have your hd camera on i just want to double check because i know sometimes if you perfectly yeah i’ve got my i’ve got my um logitech webcam yep okay all right fabulous greetings boys and babes it’s the magic hour a place where we navigate through life’s peaks and valleys with all the vulnerability and shamelessness we can muster with the help of world-class guests from all walks of life we uncover new truths and valuable tools for

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manifesting our highest potential i’m your host mercedes terrell along with my partner in shine jade bryce hey you guys today we’re having on a man that we are both so inspired by in our own work with men and we are so excited about the path he is laying out for others to follow he will tell us his story when he gets on but i’ll start by saying he attended sex addicts anonymous for four years and has truly become a role model in healthy sexuality for men which is so needed because in today’s

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culture most of our role models are you know pickup artists or porn stars or players and when it comes to men you know when it comes to men being successful in their sexuality and that is a very dangerous thing so the work this man is doing is tearing down that old model and we are so so honored to have him on the show today let’s get him on mercedes yes our guest today has a passion for helping people become the best versions of themselves as an international speaker author and executive coach for high-performing

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leaders in pressure-rich environments he helps successful and incredibly busy professionals connect to their purpose communicate bold visions and lead meaningful change he hosts the great man within podcast a show for high-performing men exploring the realms of purpose masculinity and sex he also runs the great man the great man mastermind which is a tongue twister but i like it a community of high caliber and high character men living their greatest purpose he is a two-time author of design your future and on purpose leadership his

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mission is to lead 10 million men to their potential over the next 10 years what a great goal he is truly filling the void this world has of healthy sexual role models so please help us welcome dominic cortuccio to the magic hour yay mercedes thank you jade thank you and i have to say the homework that you two did in advance of this and the questions you sent me your audience is in for a treat because you’re going to be diving and you talk about vulnerability we’re diving in at the deep end so yeah we really really

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are we have so much we want to ask you yes one of our passions uh jade and i for sure is raising men into kings essentially and that means you know the men in our lives especially in our romantic partnerships um and elsewhere so the work you are doing is super close to our heart and we’ve just been really soaking it in since getting to know you via social media so we appreciate you yeah so dom tell us your story um of really how you came to this very important work of leading men yeah um it’s it’s interesting i never

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aspired to talk to men about my four years in sex addicts anonymous and ever aspired to talk to men about my insecurities and failings because i grew up like a lot of men do which is don’t show any weakness have all the answers you know be the top performer so the quick and dirty is i mean you two introduced me where i am today where i was before was i kind of grew up playing all the sports smart one of the smartest kids in class was a leader in fraternity in college and then when i went on to the corporate

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financial services world where i spent 15 years i had a pretty successful career made good money was a leader in business and hit some milestones a lot earlier than i thought i would and in my best year ever this was 2009 where the backdrop of the world was the great recession everything was like falling apart i tripled my sales goal that year i’d made more like life-changing money bought this apartment that you know i’m living in manhattan and with that contrast i still was like this is as good as it gets

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you know like i like it was a fleeting moment of success and then i felt um empty restless unsatisfied and when i thought about the next 30 or 40 years of my life it scared the [ __ ] out of me which is what began my path on personal development but where it really took off was the three years later in 2013 where i bottomed out entered sex addicts anonymous um which would have been shocking to anyone else in the rest of my world because they would they saw me as this perfectly presented you know meticulously designed leader

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who said all the right things did all the right things who had had integrity in his life but behind the scenes what i used to keep like the glue the duct tape and glue that kept it all together to navigate my emotions because i never learned how to navigate my emotions was using sex and sexting and pornography any time i felt bored alone frustrated anxious and through that journey of healing myself i started to notice that i was having an impact on others and the more that i talked to other men behind the scenes about it the more i

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knew i needed to share my story and that ultimately ended up you know with me leaving the corporate world and then doing some of these more public things like a podcast like masterminds that help men with all this stuff that’s amazing really beautiful stuff yeah and i love that you mentioned integrity it actually has to do with um a magic trick that i’m gonna give later in the show but integrity is just this major part of of what anyone man or woman um i don’t like to [ __ ] on people really should be walking toward you know that’s

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what we’re trying to do is what we call remember that’s what we’re all craving in another yeah and uh well at least the the role model in another right is someone who is integral and has put their pieces back together so to speak so i’d love to to go into that a little bit just what that word integrity means to you as a man or for a man yeah yeah i’m glad you went here with it so integrity can be boiled down to you say what you’re gonna do and then you do what you say right and and also to have integrity there needs

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to be a deeper understanding of what it is that you stand for um what it what are your values and what are your boundaries and i would say that in all areas of my life most areas of my life i had integrity where i did what i said and uh and i knew what my values were it was this one area of sex where i was out of integrity all the time every time i would make a commitment to myself to say i’m not going to masturbate today and then maybe i would like and then i’d make it to like nine o’clock but then i

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couldn’t or ten o’clock that i couldn’t fall asleep and i’m like i need to go to bed so i’m gonna jerk off and good night morning i’m not going to watch porn because my girlfriend’s coming over tonight but then i would break that promise and then eventually as my compulsive behavior escalated then it became i would step out on my partner it was the one area of my life where i couldn’t maintain a boundary and so that was that was paradoxical to me because i had discipline and willpower

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in all these areas and i think a lot of men i think a lot of people period have like an area of their life that just seems to be the most challenging to maintain and hold integrity whether it’s with work commitments whether it’s with food whether it’s with alcohol drugs these kinds of things we all kind of have that one area that like we’ve been given as our as our biggest challenge in life so i think the last piece i want to say on on integrity is we constantly find ourselves out of integrity it’s it’s just a matter of like how do

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you name it how do you own it and then how do you restore integrity and i think that’s one of the things that doesn’t get taught quite about quite enough is how do you restore your integrity when you’ve been out of it and one of the best ways i can one of the best examples i can give you too is i joined this relationship and intimacy program it was a nine-month course with john weinland yeah he’s he’s amazing and he’s a disciple of david dada and there’s it’s a mixed group men and

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women who come to practice like depth relationship intimacy and every two weeks we have a zoom call together now i’m usually on top of my stuff like i have everything calendared schedule i’m never late all that kind of like i hold that value there was this one week where i just completely forgot to calendar our event and then i missed it and in the facebook group i did this three minute video apology and this video apology like i was trying to restore my integrity but it was all about how busy i am how like you know this felt like the you

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know how this fell through the cracks i dropped too many plates and the women in the group tore my head off and they tore my head off because they’re like i don’t want to hear how busy you are how many men have told me that like they’re busy all the time i’m tired of that and what they wanted to hear was my recognition of the impact that my absence may have had on the group right and and to instead say i’m sorry that i didn’t show up and honor the commitment that i came here for and the fact that you had counted on

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me to be here and when i didn’t show up you couldn’t practice with me you don’t know if you can count on me that must suck for you and also what else came up for you i’m here for it tell me and and when they taught me how to restore my integrity in that respect i’ve been able to be out of integrity come back and clean it up and move on that’s really beautiful it actually brings to mind something someone we’ve had on the show michael brody wait i was thinking that too yeah he so he’s a recovering drug addict um

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he spent a lot of years in the 12-step program and so i don’t know if any of that same integrity building concept flows into uh sex addicts anonymous that i know you’re familiar with um but he broke down this process and it’s something that jade and i use a lot in our own work um with men and it’s basically three steps it’s to uh practice rigorous authenticity surrender the outcome and do uncomfortable work and i know a lot of that was based in that 12-step program um and that is an integrity building

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skill set right like being able to see where you [ __ ] up and then announce like hey i i did this i’m going to claim responsibility for this surrender the outcome of whatever that might look like because being honest is really hard work and you do have to surrender the outcome whenever you choose to be honest and be in integrity and then do the uncomfortable work of picking up the pieces or in your case letting these women you know bash into you and then tell you all the other things that this brought up for

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them in their life so that’s really uh such a beautiful example of that yeah yeah thank you yeah i also wanted to talk about how you took an 11-month break without sex or masturbation and just what that did for you um [Music] i know i i took a nine month um celibacy but i’m sure it’s so different for a man than it is for a woman yeah yeah celibacy well i i can’t speak to a woman’s experience but my goodness this celibacy like like truly changed my life so to provide some context ever since i stumbled upon this thing called

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masturbation at the age of 14 which was you know most guys stumble upon masturbation by without even knowing what the hell is going on my parents left this movie white men can’t jump right rosie perez right rosie perez has no idea that like the dramatic role that she played in my sexual blog like becoming um but my parents were like a very strict household like they never let me watch mtv and they left this like they made this one mistake and i can’t i just jumped on it and i remember watching that movie back and forth and

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like that sex scene and eventually i’m using the remote to rub my boner through my pants and then bang all of a sudden something happens i had no idea but that in that moment at age 14 whatever it was was my introduction into this powerful force this almost like this unlimited supply of heroin that just kind of sat between my legs and i could pull on that crank any time i felt alone frustrated bored you know like insecure and believe me i used that and so i’m talking about being a four or five time a day kind of guy when i was like

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in my early teenage years and then as it got into like my 20s and 30s you know sometimes you know two to three times a day very rarely that i go a day without it right so you’re talking like 20 years 20 years of of consistent effort of of of sexual pleasure and release and then i answer sex addicts anonymous in 2013 in january of that year and now i’m being told i remember my first sex therapist was like okay we need to put you on a protocol of no sex no masturbation and no pornography and i looked at him

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and and i was like he must have just seen the deer in the headlights especially he’s like what do you think you’re going to spontaneously combust i’m like yeah i i do like here here’s my last 20 years man and you want me to go right to this cold turkey and and and so it was a challenge but during those four years of sex addicts anonymous i actually did not masturbate to ejaculation there were times where i did masturbate but i didn’t ejaculate so for four years four years of no porn and then inside of that period of four

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years there was that 11-month period jade that you’re talking about where there was no sex either so this was at a time before like i’d really learned meditation or breath work to circulate the energy um and so i’m like the term that’s used in like the 12 step rooms is like white knuckling right like you’re just kind of hanging on for dear life you’ve got all this energy and this excitement and during that 11 month period all these times that i would have just pulled on that crank that release valve

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anytime i felt anxious or whatever that energy now stayed inside of me sometimes i felt like a bottle of shook up coca-cola just like ready to explode but what ended up happening was and this was life-changing i started dreaming about leaving this really lucrative 15-year corporate career because like it wasn’t light in my fire anymore right and i had these fantasies about starting my own business becoming a speaker being a coach and in the past i would have dreamt those things and then the anxiety would have come up around not knowing how to

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do it and then i would have jerked off and then let that energy go or i would have had sex or you know now all that energy had nowhere to go and so now instead of like a kleenex or a condom that energy had to go into building something and so what i started to do was i started to to actually lay the bricks the foundation taking training courses learning how to build a business online launching an online video blog and then a blog and then incorporating my business and then during that time made the decision to actually like

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leave so i look at that 11-month period and i say had i not gone through that and i don’t know if i’d be here today and it gave me a new sense of understanding that this energy this sexual energy is a man’s life force creative force and we dispose it like without a thought you know we just dump it everywhere without a thought and you to talk about like speaking to a king that’s kingly energy and i treat my seed now as kingly energy and if i’m going to put it anywhere like it’s going to be with intention

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and it’s going to be with a deeper sense of understanding of why it’s leaving my body versus staying in here to build something whether it’s connection intimacy something with my business a workout and that taught taught me to respect that energy at a whole different level yeah that’s so beautiful the quote we have from you is are you going to dump that life force into a kleenex or are you going to [ __ ] that life force into the world and i think that’s so beautifully illustrated in your story

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um [Laughter] so now like because of that discovery and feeling like your sexual energy is your life energy do you practice um not ejaculating even when you have sex you do okay yeah yeah and that’s so how often would you do you ejaculate now if you don’t mind me asking yeah how what would you guess jade if you had to put it if you had to put a number i would guess once a week is that less about about once a month and and and i’m not always like that yeah if you listen to a montage montage wrote the book the multi-orgasmic man he

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says a man in his 40s and i’m 42 years old um he says i think once a month is about the right amount of time now your listeners may be like that’s crazy right but it doesn’t mean you’re not orgasming and a lot of people pair the two together mm-hmm correct there’s a and i know we want to get into that as well because montauk chia talks about there’s a difference between ejaculation and orgasm and most of us conflate the fact that when you ejaculate which is when you know when everything comes out

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that that’s the orgasm you can actually orgasm without ejaculation this is actually not a state that i have been able to achieve because i haven’t necessarily needed to practice i haven’t necessarily felt the desire to practice it but if you were to squeeze just kind of like if you’re trying to stop your pee as a man will understand this like if you’re taking a pee and you stop your pee and you squeeze the tip and you squeeze your perineum that place between your i guess the taint area right

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while you’re about to let it orgasm you can actually breathe the what would normally come out as ejaculation you can actually breathe it up your spine and that energy stays in your body comes up your spine up over your head down the front um what i tend to do is like when i’m when i’m masturbating or if i’m having sex i will breathe that energy all throughout my body so it won’t just get concentrated in my [ __ ] i’ll learn to breathe take these big breaths which is also great for having total

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command and control over how long you last choosing when or not to orgasm and i’ve also found that with women when i’ve been with partners and i started doing this about eight years ago um where like some women don’t understand that i don’t always want to ejaculate they’ve they’ve they they’ve um become so accustomed to it that they think that i’m not being satisfied and and i’ve had to have conversations i’m like no i’m not trying to race towards some outcome here what i have learned is actually by

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withholding ejaculation not only can i you know go after it more and more often and keep that energy inside of me i can now appreciate those little things about you like how your body smells in different places what your hair looks like when it falls down your back or across the pillow i can hear the little sounds more different you know like the sounds that you make when i hit your nipples versus your clitoris versus rubbing your feet like those little things when i’m not racing towards some outcome now it’s kind of all about like the

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alchemist that booked the alchemist it’s about the journey not the destination like i can truly experience that and and when she experiences that too she wants that yeah so i want to touch on this because i feel like a lot of listeners especially our male listeners may hear this idea of slowing down which i think is a lot of what you’re talking about here like being able to slow down with those little moments or slow down enough with his own body in order to experience something else than the euphoria of the the orgasm or searching

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for the orgasm and i think that there’s probably a lot of fear around um changing their method right like they already figured out the method of how to get to an orgasm this is the best thing they ever discovered in life that they can do at any time really for themselves so i want to know is there a part of your story where there was like this this moment where you overcame the fear and how the fear of like okay i’m going to actually set this aside for a second and see if there is something else that i can do here and maybe you already

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touched on that a little bit in the beginning of this talk but yeah does this some like point come up where that fear was like you know you had the fear in the you’re looking in the face of the fear and you said i’m gonna try it a different way i’m gonna seek the edge here yeah mercedes you ask a really potent question here because i think the fear that most men would have about breaking from routine is that they’re going to go soft yeah that’s the big fear especially when men who move very quickly

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the fear is if i slow down there’s not going to be as much excitement there’s not going to be as much energy or sensation and then i’m going to go soft and when i go soft i’ve either if i haven’t gone soft i’m afraid of what that’s going to be like um or if i’ve gone soft before i’ve been ashamed i i’ve had someone say some stuff to me right that that has caused me shame and um and so i think that’s the number one thing that we have to really talk about here first and foremost is

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one of the reasons why men don’t want to change up their like their tempo or the thing that they know has worked or the program that they’ve run is because there’s that fear that they will look bad or their performance will suffer and that’s a real concern so my my guidance for men who feel that fear is let’s talk about how you practice and the number one practice you know arena that you have is masturbation self-stimulation and like i shared before you know i started masturbating at age 14. which you should probably

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rushed through so you wouldn’t get caught this is exactly it jade it’s like if you think about how most men i i surveyed 50 guys like about the first time they ever masturbated right uh and 80 of these men so 40 of the 50 men had their first experience between the ages of 11 and 14. now i’m 42 and this group of guys were between the ages of mostly were like 30 or 40s i would i would posit that guys today are much younger than that you know you may get guys who are even younger because porn internet these kinds of things

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11 years old is young like if you look at an 11 year old and you’re like you’re masturbating are you kidding me and so if you think about a kid growing up in an environment many who don’t feel safe like in their household so you’re doing it as quietly and as quickly as possible and if you get as many reps in as i did and i think i did like the math on that i had 5 000 masturbation reps in before i actually like had physical contact sexual contact with another human being 5 000 reps of going fast of going quiet without

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another human being without talking to anyone about it like what do we expect to have happen like do we expect good things to come from that right um how especially like you know when there’s another human being involved later like how am i supposed to know what her needs or desires are how am i supposed to be aware of her pace her tempo these kinds of things so yeah i mean like i would encourage every man who’s who’s kind of looking back at his past like how did you learn your pace your tempo um how are you practicing now

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and i had this great conversation with uh with a guy who interviewed me on his podcast he’s 24 years old his name is jake um and he just had a sexual experience with a woman like a new woman for the first time and he popped off too quickly he was embarrassed about it he’s like what do i do so he started i talked asked him like how are you masturbating right now you know and how long does it take you when you jerk off you know from point a to point b five minutes well you know how long does your sex last

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five minutes okay so let’s take your practice sessions and let’s start to slow down let’s start to elongate it let’s start to instead of going right in on the porn that you watch like right in the the heat of the gang bang let’s actually like maybe start with a little bit of touching petting like watch that warm up stuff warm yourself up commit to doing 10 or 15 minutes every time you get to the edge like you know right before you tip over disengage take some breath circulate the energy allow yourself to go soft if

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that’s what happens re-engage like you actually need to start a new practice and work out some of those fears you know like like test yourself differently so that when you end up with a partner you you’ve already worked out some of the kinks but you also may be able to communicate hey you know i don’t know about you but i would love maybe to slow things down a little bit i would love to focus on your pleasure i’d love to enjoy more of you i don’t want to race towards any outcomes and leave you unsatisfied

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and this is new for me and i don’t quite know how my body’s going gonna respond and i may go soft at times and that’s gonna feel weird for me and i don’t want you to think it has anything to do with you um are you down for something like that in my experience you know like most men who have been able to communicate that to their partners they’re like hell yes how do i sign up for that yes oh that really really makes sense so much vulnerability it does but it’s so powerful that vulnerability is courage it’s what looks

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extremely brave too and it’s with themselves because we’ve said in past episodes men aren’t like you hear pleasure practice and you think of women you don’t think of men you know so it’s like vulnerable with themselves and then yeah with their partner yeah and brave i think that’s a really important word to highlight here because i think uh guys get so caught up in their own method and in needing to do it fast and stay in the performance mode or whatever and they lose that um they lose being in touch with themselves

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and their partner and uh you know anyone who’s taken any sports or even just been in the world of having to practice anything you know we have a lot of mma people who listen to our show so whether it’s jiu jitsu or muay thai or whatever it is you’ve probably heard your coach say perfect practice makes perfect because it’s true that the way you practice is going to be the way you act in life you know or react in life or respond hopefully in life um something i wanted to touch on and bring us to back to that you you spoke

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about when you were talking about how you um kind of came to this the slowing down was well you brought up your dreams and that’s what really stuck out to me because you specifically said and i don’t know it was your literal dreams or not but we can get into that um you said you started dreaming about a bigger business or a different career or like going a different direction entirely and really maybe embodying your purpose and what you came here to do what your your damon was you know has been guiding you

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to to do and it looks like it’s very much to do with the work you’re doing now um so i wanted to know the dreams specifically i don’t know if those are literal dreams or not but during the time that you were not um masturbating and during the time that you were having this this really inward journey with yourself that’s a good question yeah did dreams come up for you were they more vivid yeah was there a change for you because this is something i’ve talked about a lot on the show we talk about dream journaling a

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lot on the show and dreams for me like during ovulation get hypersexual so i just wonder for a man what the experience is there when you’re not you know you’re not dumping that life force into a kleenex yeah cool very cool um and by the way if you two wanted to ever get into the conversation around the stages of the of the menstrual cycle and how men can play a role in that like one of our most popular episodes is actually the number one most download episode on the great man within podcast is a man’s guide to

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the menstrual cycle beautiful and it’s been shocking like the awareness that that’s brought to some of the sexual relationships that i’ve had and also intimate relationships so if you want to go there happy i would i would say when it comes to my dreams like from a sleeping state i’ve always had a difficult time hanging on to like the memory of them right like they’re vivid when they happen um and then like as soon as i wake up i i have not cultivated the practice of like you know journaling and remembering

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them but one thing i will say that happened that had never happened before in my life that i i do believe is a direct reflection of like keeping this energy in i was just starting to learn things like meditation and start practicing buddhism i i’ve been disconnected from spirituality for 15 years i grew up catholic i had a lot of animosity towards it so i pushed it away was spiritually homeless for 15 years and then during recovery i started taking on some of these deeper forms of meditation and buddhism this one day

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i was doing a chanting meditation and it’s from nichiren buddhism and for 15 minutes i would sit with my hands folded and i would i would chant over and over nam yoho renge kyo renge kyo renge kyo and i would set this intention of what i wanted for my life and then to chant that with the force of galloping horses so i would do it really powerfully and it took a while for me to build up the endurance to keep that chant for 15 minutes with that power of of um of galloping horses and during this this one chanting

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experience i was envisioning breaking free from the shackles of my corporate life and then going off on my own right and what ended up happening was and this was during the 11 month period of celibacy this electricity like entered my body in a way that i’d never experienced before and you have to understand here i was still at that point in time where if anyone would have told me like electricity entered their body or like they talked to angels and like i i would laugh at you you know like i would i would have um put you down

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that’s my that’s when what my mindset was back then so now i’m experiencing the very thing that i deemed impossible that i looked at other people like they were crazy there was this electricity in my body and all of a sudden these flashes these images that were all you know similar to dream state of like like this cage boom breaking free from it shackles chains bang and leaving this corporate world blazing this trail as as my own renegade right as an entrepreneur and and and as that was happening that that that like sunk into my being

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at a deep level where this one thought though about 15 minutes in this one thought floated into my mind and it said yeah but you can never make as much money doing that as what you’re making now and the electricity like a circuit breaker bang turned off all of the energy left my body and i i came to and i was just like whoa what the hell was that and i kind of just chucked those 15 minutes up to a well that was kind of a cool experience and i accepted that limiting thought as a truth you know like yeah you’re right i could

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never make as much money so for six months i just kind of walked around not really doing much other than feeling like that that fantasy was was something interesting but a seed was growing inside of me six months later i was chanting again had the same feeling the same electricity came back saw all the same visions that thought comes floating in again yeah but you could never make as much money doing that as what you’re doing right now but my meditation practice my awareness practice had deepened and i caught that

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thought and i was like who the [ __ ] says and sh i pushed that off and and i was like well what if i could make 10 times as much money and the electricity kept going and i didn’t know how i could make 10 times as much i couldn’t see that but like i just kept the electricity going and when that session was done that those visions were clear as day the the knowing was deep inside of me the how i was going to do it was was was light years off i did i didn’t need to know the how i just had to have the feeling

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and that was the day that i made the decision that i’m going to be leaving this 15-year corporate career and everything after that was like letting the mystery unfold of how hmm ooh i can feel it yeah awesome my uh my intuitive one of my intuitive says that also that when a man is having sex it’s like releases him from feeling his feelings and so when he’s like abstaining that he like gets really clear on his feelings and um i have another friend that when he did a year celibacy he said like he wasn’t masturbating or anything but he

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would feel his feelings so much that he would this is how he put it that he would like feel almost like orgasms in his heart and i think maybe it was just he was a sex addict prior so he just wasn’t used to to feeling you know um and i know for me when i did my celibacy i just felt very in my body um so um i love too that you walked us into that story with this this you painted that picture of growing up in a very catholic family and then resisting that which i think is such a common route for a lot of people i know

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myself included uh and then you had this period of what you called spiritual homelessness which i’m gonna use i love yeah uh where you were kind of i don’t even know if you’re would you say you were soul searching or you were just kind of floating about and that’s the opposite of soul yeah you were like rejecting right soul rejecting yes so then you come about this practice of meditation and these different modalities of really getting back to spirituality maybe i don’t know how you would phrase it today but

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um i think that’s so beautiful that then you’re having this this very spiritual experience with yourself and your soul where you have this moment of electricity and you witness all these things happening i just love how we have to pendulum swing you know we have to go sometimes from maybe a a methodology a methodology that isn’t suited to us in our life like catholicism might not have been or the way that it was being shown to you in the moment when you’re younger and then we have to swing all the way away from

37:45

it and bounce off the other side to find our center that’s right that’s right and i mean jade this is probably what you experienced when you did your year of celibacy right is is kind of those out of balance um you know these swings and uh i think i think it’s the buddhists who say like the middle path is ultimately what we end up striving for right like so so we don’t have to if you think about someone who’s running if someone’s like swinging their arms way to the side to side like you are

38:12

inefficient right you are not you’re not winning you’re not winning a sprint it’s the one who can like go straight forward so sometimes though mercedes you’re right like we have to go through these radical out of balance experiences to understand where is the center and that’s why i do think things like periods of abstinence temporary periods of abstinence whether it’s around alcohol sex masturbation you know watching television are extremely helpful because they do allow you to understand like why

38:41

you have such a troubling relationship with those things to begin with you know like it’ll show you those micro moments that lead to that the thought or the feeling that leads to that action that’s troubling and you know mercedes go back to your point about like you know growing up in this household i i think it’s important to note especially for your listeners like to really inspect the forces that shape that shaped your sexuality at an early age and we talk about this on the podcast it’s you know three three key forces are

39:14

your faith your family your friends and then there’s also the fourth one which is porn you know and we can talk all about that too but you know faith or lack thereof you know my faith early on was catholicism seven years of catholic school altar boy and and my particular faith taught me that like premarital sex or sexual desire you’re going to hell that’s scary yeah my family and our household my parents are amazingly loving people but they didn’t know how to have the sex conversation they were the kinds of

39:42

parents that if we were watching a movie on friday night and like there would be a woman and a man kissing on television her top would be coming off they would lunge across the couch and and like try to cover my eyes they’d be like no and then like and then for the next 10 minutes the collective sphincter of the room would tighten and it was just this really uncomfortable feeling but at the same time i felt this like like i wanted to see that like like you know look at her and at the same time making like feeling

40:12

like there was something wrong or bad about it this conflation of this ambivalence of this natural powerful force of energy that is clean that is natural is automatically labeled bad and and we can see how these judgments around sexual energy can create ticking time bombs uh recently and i don’t know when this podcast is going to air but a week ago by the time this recording robert aaron long was the man who went and killed eight people in atlanta georgia six asian american women or asian women at the massage parlors

40:48

outside of atlanta georgia and there’s a big part of his story that you know that he’s a sex addict but one of the pieces that is not getting talked about enough is that he the church that he belonged to had strict rigid oppressive beliefs around sexual desire and if you have sexual desire then then that’s the devil um they they classify having sex outside of your marriage um sex homosexual behavior transgender along the same lines as pedophilia incest bestiality like that’s how rigid they are and what i can tell you is from being in

41:29

four years of sex addicts anonymous the rooms are filled with men filled with men who grew up in rigid oppressive fear-inducing shame-inducing sexual beliefs or had home lives that rejected sexuality and so like we grow up with that feeling and it’s made wrong which creates an ambivalence which leads to self-loathing and if self-loathing has enough pressure over time turns to self-hatred and if that goes on for too long then one of two things happen a man will implode on himself or he will explode on the world

42:06

and we saw what happened with robert aaron long he exploded and took the lives of eight innocent civilians so i don’t know how i got here and i’m sorry if i went way off track but yeah yeah i think the point here is like we have to understand like the judgments that we’ve placed on ourselves and and where do we learn that and if it’s here today let’s let’s let’s do the work to unremember that stuff because um sprinkling a little bit of love on on anything makes it better yeah and shame is such a big factor in

42:41

there especially with the church and things we’re talking about here and something beautiful that got said to me recently was that shame is always a lie so if you feel shame and in other words if you feel that part of you is bad or that you are innately bad somehow that’s shame in action and it’s always a lie there can be guilt which is something that something you did might have been bad and that is recoverable you can go back and and change that thing you can go apologize or whatever you need to do but shame is always a lie so if it comes

43:20

from the dogma you grew up in if it comes from a partner you with who was projecting their own shame probably onto you or any other way that you got some shame on you just know that it’s a lie and it’s a story that you can rewrite uh it’s a it’s a fairy tale but not the good kind yeah and that’s a good transition into our our next topic yeah so we want to go into dick size shame with you yeah um this is such a this is such an interesting topic because i feel like we’ve we’ve talked about it on the show

43:59

before amongst just jade and i but really it hasn’t been something we’ve been able to talk specifically with a man about so i love to feel what you have to say here and really get into that um you know jokes in the locker room uh a woman asking if it’s in or not after she’s you’ve already entered her dick size has got to affect a man’s self-worth um and i’m sure it’s probably usually is something that triggers on top of something that comes from childhood even like there’s places you can dig into

44:34

where this all stems from how does he start to identify that shame and then heal it yeah that’s a great question and maybe i would love to ask you two a few questions too just yeah yeah that’d take you so let me start by answering your questions first um from my own personal experience you know growing up again 42 years old didn’t have access to high speed porn or internet like that kind of thing and for most of my formative years like i only had access to seeing my own penis and i have like i happen to love my penis um

45:06

and ha and and didn’t really have a basis comparison you know it was just not a thing it was only when you know maybe i went to college and i had some like free time free space high speed internet and porn was more available that i started to watch porn and see like all these other penises that were way bigger than mine you know like the average dick size you see in a porn video is eight inches mine’s not um and and many times is often bigger than that and so it gets started to call into question like wow how come i’m not that

45:37

big or how come i’m not that thick and i know that there are a lot of men um who have similar experiences especially the younger generations who grew up you know like from a very right around 9 or 10 years old you’re probably seeing dicks on video and one of my friends is lisa ann who is like one of the top 10 most downloaded porn stars even today she’s no longer a porn star she gives me a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff around pornography and she says that she’s had kids like eight to 12 years old emailing

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her because they found her like on their xboxes there’s like a pop-up ad that leads to porn and and you know they’re learning about their dicks you know through watching porn and she’s just like you know blown away by that so i think it’s it’s porn is one of them um you nailed the mercedes like a locker room uh is definitely another thing like i remember one of my earliest experiences with that was freshman high school football you know we would do these two a days and then you know you’d

46:33

end up in the showers and you’d see all these guys with dicks and at the time you didn’t all these guys with dicks like i didn’t know about the you know like the grower or the shower so if guys don’t know about this like either you’re a grower or a shower which means in your flaccid state if you are a grower then that means like you you typically present smaller than you actually are and it’s like when the blood flows then like you kind of move out to your full length but it may look like you’re small

47:04

goers just seem to hang longer um when they’re in their flaccid state and don’t fill up as much you know as as like say but if you’re if you’re like in a shower with a whole bunch of showers and you’re a grower you may naturally think you’ve got a small dick right um i just interviewed a guy on my podcast his name is jason gaddis he runs the relationship school and he he wrote an article five years ago that went viral which was called a letter to my [ __ ] and he had an experience from an early

47:36

age like 11 or 12 years old where i guess a couple of older guys in the neighborhood like they all pulled their pants down and he was the small one you know he was he’s a grower and for his whole life he was ashamed you know he got shamed other guys like made fun of his dick for his whole life he thought he had a small dick there was a story about it he doesn’t he was just a he was he’s a grower and it took him into like his i don’t know early 40s he like for 25 years this man walked around into every sexual relationship thinking

48:07

he had a small dick so i think maybe one more thing i’ll sand this and then i’ll pause because sometimes i get really like wow but esther perel who’s like the number one you know i would say at least in my in my eyes the sex and intimacy relationship therapist um in the world talks about how like the number one thing the number one problem that men face today is shame and when it comes to masculinity men don’t understand that like masculinity is this thing that we’re not just given it’s something that we have

48:42

to earn femininity is not something that like women have to earn it’s kind of like you know like you’re a feminine being it’s not like you get your feminine card pulled from you but men con constantly have to earn their masculine card their man card and it could be stripped from them if we don’t finish our beer in front of our group of buddies we’re a [ __ ] if we don’t if we order the petite filet at dinner you know if um and if our dick goes soft or if our dick is too small and when a man

49:10

has too small of a dick we get emasculated therefore we’re no longer a man and then our identity is shattered like this is where the shame comes from and a guy can carry that around um into every sexual relationship that he has which really can make it challenging and i’ve heard some heartbreaking stories from the men in our community who have smaller penises micro penises who have been told by women i can’t feel that it’s in you know like that kind of thing and it’s it can be it could be really

49:39

heartbreaking because what does a guy do about that yeah so what does a guy do about that yeah so one of the things that that we’ve had conversations with um some great sex educators on our podcast is we have reduced sex to this penetrative act like dick in anus dick in vagina like it has to be especially for men like a penis has to be going somewhere whereas that’s just like a fraction of the landscape right we’ve got we’ve got hands we’ve got fingers we’ve got tongues we’ve got mouths

50:18

there is so much more to the to the sexual landscape than just the penis and for a guy who let’s say maybe doesn’t have a big dick and um maybe maybe with his partner is unable to fully satisfy the partner with the size of his penis great this is your opportunity to become like magnificent in in in learning all the other parts of that person’s body you you can start to ask deeper questions around where they like to be touched figure out their erogenous zones create environments where you don’t have

50:52

to use your penis to deliver sexual pleasure get really curious about how your mouth and your tongue work and the parts of their bodies that you know that light them up and invite that person into a broader awareness of their own sexuality because that partner may only may have reduced it to sexual penetration also and it’s like what else would feel good let me here’s one thing let’s sit down today for a half an hour let me lay you down for a half an hour today and there’s gonna be no penetration with my penis

51:27

but i’m just gonna explore your body for the next half hour are you open to that and then you know you tell me as i go to different parts of your body is it a green light a yellow light is it a red light do you want more of it do you want harder softer faster slower and let’s just explore what else is available and i think the reason why that that gives me this gives me faith is we interviewed a woman named shayna james on our podcast she runs the man alive podcast and she interviewed a couple where the man

51:56

went impotent for life impotent for life i couldn’t like talk about my worst like fear right like this man’s penis no longer can get hard and he said that saved his sex life with his wife because they then had to explore all the other areas that they’d shut off and their sex life is thriving now and they can use toys and other things like that um and he can please the [ __ ] out of her without having our dick ever right so i mean maybe maybe go check that episode out too yeah that’s a beautiful

52:29

inspiration too it brings up well that that story not specifically but just what we’re talking about here brings up um i guess the question of how much of this idea of i have to have a certain size penis in order to satisfy a woman or in order to satisfy myself with a woman if i’m a man is a story that’s been told in society versus some sort of primal or instinctual part of being a man you know what i mean that’s a total story i mean like where does it come from like like i said before i mean for i don’t know from porn

53:08

yeah right like 18 years i didn’t i didn’t know anything different and and i was thrilled with my p and i never even thought to question it and then it was only like when the porn thing entered the world and did i start to to look at this misrepresent misrepresentation of penis eyes and just started to question and ask you know different things so i i believe it’s totally story um now listen there are women who are naturally inclined to love bigger dicks absolutely like i’ve spoke i know a number of women who want that i know a

53:40

number of women who couldn’t care less about the size of a penis as long as like there’s a man who’s attentive who knows how to hit different spots and i think this could be really kind of interesting to get into maybe to flip the script here and ask the two of you like if you were to kind of go back through your own sexual histories what role did penis size have in in like your lives and was there an expectation that you ever is there an expectation or were there certain kind of desires that you had for

54:12

the size of a penis or did you come encounter with a really small one once and not know how to like what are some of your two experiences in that respect yeah i love this question because i think it does vary so much you know person to person um i think at the so so i’m going to answer this question a little backwards so i think at the end of the day if any woman was to get really dig deep and be conscious with her own truth i might be just projecting all over all women right now but i’m gonna do it anyway

54:44

um she would probably say that i would much rather choose a conscious man attached to a small penis rather than an unconscious man attached to a large penis because oh you’ve heard you know the motion of the ocean not the size of the fisher i don’t know how this thing goes size of the ship maybe so yeah we we definitely i think as women and i’ll speak for myself i definitely want a person who’s going to be present and attentive with me over everything else however i do think that there is this um piece of the story that is important to

55:24

touch on too where uh you can talk about it like how men may think about boob size for instance although boobs have much less of a role play in insertion in any way like a dick you know has this other thing that happens and children come from it but um boob size versus dick size right like that’s a conversation that i think is interesting as well so i think there is this because like men are allowed to like big and small yeah yeah and do we rob women from saying like i like the the pain of a big dick or you know

55:58

when we say well we have to be really we have to take this story all the way down to the the the roots and figure out what’s really going on here so i think there’s there’s a lot of layers here and so from my personal experience i think um i’ve been with different sizes and it hasn’t been as much about the size where i ever was like oh this is never going to work for me i’ve never said that to myself even with a small penis um or with a large penis i’ve never i can’t i’m not going to do this you know but

56:31

it’s been a it’s been a inner conversation with myself a lot like i mean this is a thing that i think for me maybe more than a lot of women that i know um has been um almost an obsession where like a big penis is excites something in me that i have come to um try to try to delineate where that spawns from so for me i don’t know that it’s like one particular instance but i think it is something where my experience of our culture even before porn has been this like we praise phallic symbology in our culture a lot of the

57:14

time and in many cultures actually this is this phallic symbology of like the large even like you’ll see um uh a statue of a large phallic looking you know thing for for for a tribe that this is the thing that they usually put up during uh the summertime months when it’s about bringing uh plentiful bounty to their harvest right and you’ll have this phallic symbolization so i don’t know how much of that you know i was conscious of growing up but i know that it definitely seeped in somewhere along the lines do you have a question

57:52

tommy look like you want to yeah do you mind if do you mind if you’re possible if this gets too personal then like you just stop me here right so the the two of you obviously gravitate towards uh mma right where there’s a lot of like energy there’s a lot of masculine force there’s a lot of power right so there’s there’s some clues there right around like what you two gravitate towards and then mercedes um would it be fair to say that it might take some work for you to surrender fully into your feminine with a man right

58:26

there’s got to be some level of like masculine aggress but but the conscious that allows you to drop back into your feminine and fully surrender absolutely yeah i would say i am more masculine usually like i’ve always attracted more feminine men and i usually stand in that masculine role more often right and that can be exhausting for women who maybe have like if at your essence mercedes if at your essence there there is a desire to be in your feminine then maybe one of those elements that pushes you there is

58:57

like when you feel dominated by a big dick right there’s like there’s a fullness there and um and if you are used to being out if you’re used to out masculining other men then having that like maybe a bigger guy do do you go for like bigger guys who are like physically bigger than you yeah i normally would i mean i’m married now and my husband isn’t actually a huge guy but normally my you know what we’re talking about is my trajectory here of dating men always dated big football player type of guys

59:28

so yeah yeah and so like it might have something to do with this this this craving this longing to be deeper in your feminine and that’s just like one more element that allows you to surrender into it absolutely that makes so much sense that you put it into that context for me um that really does resonate for sure and i’d say that idea of um it’s so funny how the subconscious like works stuff out for you it’s like look here’s what’s gonna make this thing that you’re trying to fix in yourself a

1:00:01

little bit easier with you know by bringing in this type of partner um so anyway yeah i guess that is a large part of where that might have grown for me and i wouldn’t say i’m still in that mode now but i i i still see it in me you know what i mean if i’m just being open and honest about where i am like it’s still something that is exciting for me or is a fetish if you want to call it that or something i’m drawn toward yeah and there’s nothing and jade i want to come to you too because i think your

1:00:33

listeners would love you know to get this like the side of you as well but there’s not there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it right mercedes it’s just like there’s absolutely nothing wrong with men who like big breasts it’s also the way we talk about it if we only idealize the big breasts then we marginalize those who don’t if we only idolize the big dick then we you know we make others insecure about the size of their penises and um oh there’s one more thing i wanted to say about this oh

1:00:59

the difference between the boobs and the dick is that like we can clearly see if you have big breasts or not it’s it’s not a mystery the penis is you know it’s kind of like like there’s like this moment of reveal and if like you’re someone who who like wants it like who who craves a certain size penis um you don’t know until you’ve already made the commitment to getting there and and there’s something about that that’s both exciting but also nerve-wracking um right for both sides because let’s

1:01:31

just say like if you’re if you’re a woman who can either only be satisfied with a big penis or just like is looking for that you’ve got to kind of kind of go all the way or maybe ask someone you know before it happens whereas if you’re a man who or you’re someone who like a person who likes big breasts you figure that out right like that yeah i don’t know how we get around that until maybe there’s a day that we get less was that the dick pic epidemic is that where that’s born i mean what is

1:01:57

that about i don’t know i mean the the dick epidemic is like i don’t like we all seem to be just fascinated by our dicks yeah it’s just like i love my dick and i want you to love it too you know and so it’s like here’s mine and you know you’re talking about the phallic statues it’s kind of like being built it’s like i want to build a statue that i want people to salute to um so it’s i think we as guys just want our our penises saluted um you know and that rarely yeah i do love that that we have really come

1:02:31

to well for me it’s a semi-revelation here of seeing dick size as a symbol of overt masculinity um or masculine energy even and in a conscious person knowing that that’s something that you might be making a story around being able to dilute that into it down into what it really is because that opens up a huge uh opportunity to be able to say okay dick size obviously doesn’t indicate whether you have masculine energy or you know you’re able to stand in the masculine and be energetically agile and these things

1:03:12

uh that’s a story and a man with any dick size could be a very masculine man of course um so i don’t know just i think for anyone listening who is wondering how where do how do they navigate their own insecurities around dick size um and masculinity if it’s related because for me i i love how we pulled out where that’s related for me so it’s not related it’s a story i just want to underline that yeah thank you and and jade i would love to hear your perspective on it too yeah i’m curious if maybe it’s um

1:03:51

because you talked about your first for men it’s like the first penises you’ll see happen to be in porn and so you tend to think that they’re big or that you that they should be bigger yeah because for me my first sexual experience because i never watched porn prior to sex and then had a really religious background waited till marriage and my first um experience with sex was with an uncircumcised man that wasn’t very big and so for me after that it was the larger ones that scared me kind of like i remember the largest one

1:04:28

i saw i refused to have sex with them because i was scared it would hurt so i like avoided it and you know did all the other things um but i will say that the two largest part sexual partners that i have had were the um least enjoyable not because of the size but because the sex was just not great it was like almost like maybe they thought because of their size that they didn’t have to do anything else or try you know anything else and i will say that also the um more average to smaller sizes felt better to me because it seemed like

1:05:09

something about that size hit my g spot in a different way so i preferred that and um also it’s like no position hurt you know and so i always lean towards that and i don’t know if that has something to do with my very first sexual experience being you know um like that but also i will say that i never went into sex thinking that they may be feeling insecure about their size i was always feeling so insecure about things on my body like um in my 20s is when i felt like all my friends started to get fake boobs and it was like i felt like

1:05:45

most men were like talking about fake like how beautiful fake boobs were and so because even though mine are double d even because they were natural and didn’t like just sit still i felt very self-conscious about my boobs and then um i also felt because i have like a larger labia i was like always really nervous for people to see it girl or actually i was more nervous for women to see it than men because men i was like well like they probably haven’t seen as many as women have seen and i remember one

1:06:13

time being in a car and the girls in the back seat were like looking up this porn star and they were like what the hell happened to her labia and like making fun of her and and i looked at it and it like looked like mine so i felt so much shame and i also had girls like make fun of boobs being you know super big in high school because i was i was a double d by eighth grade so people would like call it gross or you know so i had so much shame around my own body that i it never occurred to me that like men were feeling any shame on theirs i was

1:06:44

just trying to like stay in the dark you know on my own so yeah i mean this is such a beautiful conversation like i i can imagine the men who are listening to this and then and even all people who are listening to this right now can feel really hurt about like the insecurities that you’ve experienced um the like that first experience and i i’ve heard so many of those first experiences that women have had like what if the first stick was really big had a big had a big impact on either like they wanted that from that point on or they never

1:07:18

wanted something like that ever again you know it’s like that first experience does kind of create some sort of imprint in many cases not all and jade like my heart opened up to hear about your insecurities like you’re like man i didn’t even know these guys were bringing theirs because i was so worried about my own and let’s just talk about like women’s labia for a minute here if we can yeah like i can’t tell you how many women have that insecurity because like there are so many porn stars who have

1:07:46

that labia surgery that make like you know the one size fits all yeah i had considered it did you and what what made you ultimately end up deciding to stick um i just well first of all i was afraid i would hurt that was like the main thing yeah but also i just felt i felt like it was an opportunity to love myself more and um i remember the first time that i really stepped into that i took mdma by myself and just like stood nude in front of a mirror and like did some affirmations towards myself and that was when i i

1:08:25

really was like i don’t care if my boobs you know look weird when i lean to the side or something like that and i i remember just feeling accepting of it and so i don’t know that if i hadn’t done mdma that time and did that practice if i would have gotten the surgery but it was something that i at least looked up and like figured out how much it was going to cost and things like that just because i felt so uh so just the shame is the right word but i remember the very first partner i talked to about it

1:08:57

acted weird about it too and so it made me feel like i was gonna be with him for a while so it made me feel like i had to get it for him it wasn’t really so much for me thank goodness that like you didn’t do that just because of him like his inability to have a that’s why it’s so important for people to have grown-up conversations around this and you know i had a partner a few years ago who um she her sister had shamed her for her labia like and and like she has full meaty labia and i loved it like i i think that i thought

1:09:30

her [ __ ] was beautiful but she had so much shame around that it took like months for for like her to believe me you know like when i would get in there and dig in and like you know and and take time with and there were times where she just wanted to like pull my head out and move on to something else because it was like so deeply entrenched um so we’ve all on some level got these insecurities and i think if we’re going back to where we started around this like dick shame dick size stuff it’s it’s

1:10:00

having the conversations about it opening up recognizing i think mercedes what you said like that that shame is always a lie it’s always a lie and and recognizing okay like i’ve been given this thing this is this is like for this life this is the dick that i’ve been given and how am i going to work with it and how am i going to have conversations about how am i going to learn to love it that’s that’s the game that we’re playing right now yeah beautiful stuff i you know we talk about cutting off parts

1:10:30

of our body and it brought to mind circumcision for men and how you know women there’s shame around that too yeah yeah so much shame around that and it’s such a it’s a it’s madness it’s honestly like it’s basically insane at some level where we decide to cut off the most sensitive part of our body um i don’t know if you have something to speak to that or you know have anything you want to speak to on that but that is something we have brought up a few times here in this space and and i think it’s important that we’re

1:11:02

talking about it so yeah yeah yeah i think it’s it’s something i could probably get more well-versed in and do more research on but um i am circumcised you know i didn’t even really think about it for most of my life just because it was just what was the choice that was made for me um all most of the penises i ever saw you know in porn were circumcised and i remember like one like the first time encountering an uncircumcised penis on porn i’m like what the [ __ ] is wrong with that penis that that was like my

1:11:31

first interaction with my first reaction was like what the [ __ ] wrong with that cause i’d never seen an uncircumcised penis so i like i don’t know why we circumcise penises um i think maybe at some point in time there was maybe they thought it was like for health reasons and then maybe it was religious reasons after that but like now that we have greater information around like cleanliness and hygiene you know those those health concerns no longer exist um i certainly don’t know if uh if that choice should be made for a child you

1:12:09

know like if if if a man later on in life chooses to circumcise his penis that probably should be his choice so if like the baby is not an imminent risk or a danger like why is that choice made for that child um so i don’t know if i have a lot more to say about that mercedes because like i haven’t really i i tend not to hold strong opinions about things i haven’t thought about deeply you know so but but that that’s kind of where i am right now yeah it’s it’s just you know one of those things that i know

1:12:37

men hold so much shame around whether circumcised or uncircumcised now because there’s this this crossover conversation that’s that’s currently happening um and women who circumcise their child and then later realize that you know they have some other realization later and then they have shame so there’s just so many layers of this that i think is really all coming together now and i’m sure it’s going to coalesce into hopefully progress and growth here um anyway there’s there we have some

1:13:07

episodes where we discussed it especially one with river roaring i don’t know the number episode of lorraine yeah oh yeah i’m i’m curious uh if you have anything to offer for like maybe we’re with a partner who’s insecure about their penis size or about their labia size like if there’s anything that partner can do that can um that’s a good maybe ease that things up because i don’t even if they’ve like healed the shame i think there’s still this feeling of like nervousness that

1:13:37

comes up at times you know um i don’t know if you have anything to say about that yeah i mean you know penis size i mean this could also be wrapped into conversation around sexual performance too you know i i think i mean you you all asked the question in advance of this about you know some surveys that i had done and i remember these so if it’s okay i can wrap those two together sure um i asked these two questions uh to my instagram following and one of them was i asked the women have you ever been in a in a sexual situation with a man

1:14:09

or a person with a penis where he was unable to get or lost an erection and 83 of uh the respondent said yes right so 83 of people have been with someone who’s either unable to get erection or lost the erection so those are typically like shame shaming moments rather men feel shame in people with penises feel shame in that moment and the second question was did you feel as if it had something to do with you even if it was just a little i’m curious i always did i always thought it was something like i wasn’t turning them on i never thought

1:14:43

it was anything that they could control yeah absolutely even up until like just a couple years ago when we started doing this type of work i uh definitely felt like it was me i never shamed someone for it but that i could totally see how you could easily turn on that insecurity in yourself and self-worth you know worthiness wound and then project it on to your partner in that moment and be like oh it’s it’s your you know you take all this shame that i’m holding actually in my own being about my own

1:15:15

insecurities right now think about that now there are two people lying in bed who both both feel ashamed trying to communicate with one another right closed completely totally that that’s a recipe for disaster and i remember so i’ll just share a story with my life like most of my like most of my life i’ve been i was i was really lucky around like sexual performance it was never a thing that i had to worry about and a few years ago as i started to heal my sexuality like it was no more no longer compulsive

1:15:48

um some things started to shift one of the things that like i used to be able to do was like i would create these seductive experiences with women who didn’t live in the same city as me we would have like this courtship going on and then like in my mind i would have like this sexual picture of who she was and then when we got together i was going to have sex with that that that vision of her not actually like what was there in itself [Music] and even if like a like a woman would show up that maybe didn’t look the way i

1:16:19

expected her to or like you know the energy wasn’t there i could still like execute on and then after it was done there i would feel the disconnect after it was done once i healed that then the energy of that person became much more prominent i could no longer like i no longer had that like you know fantasy thing so there was a woman who was here who we had this courtship and i was following my same pattern and i could feel that like i wasn’t all that excited but you know i just kept going with it as i normally did you know

1:16:50

the program and we’re in my bedroom and we’re kissing you know that petting’s going on where things are happening and i can feel this moment where like her hand starts in my chest and it’s beginning the migration down slowly and i know where it’s headed and i am as flaccid at like like as unturned i’m not talking like a half chub i’m talking just like completely flaccid and and the hand is moving down and i’m like holy [ __ ] for the first time like she is like for the first time a woman is going

1:17:22

to feel my dick unaroused and i’m like do i stop this do i turn over and something in me said just like let it happen and she put her hand down and she starts touching my flaccid penis and she’s flopping it around and it’s not getting excited and then she disengages and she looks back at me and her face is pale and i’ll never forget it’s just like seared into my memory and she blinks a few times and the two words that leave her lips that left her lips that i teach like all partners of men to never say in a moment like this

1:17:56

what’s wrong i knew you’re gonna say that because that tends to be the like the reaction it’s like a flash addict there’s something wrong like there’s something wrong why does a flaccid penis have to be wrong right and i backpedaled i was all freaked out i didn’t know i’m just you know i i didn’t have words for it i felt ashamed she also thought it was something to do with her and fortunately like i had some techniques i had some breathing i was able to be like listen i don’t know what’s going on right now

1:18:26

um i’m not feeling like activation down here why don’t i just turn the attention on you and you know i was able to move through some stuff i ended up going down on her i found my like my mojo and i was able to get back into that moment but i think in those moments the thing that i want to let the the partners know is it first of all it has nothing to do with you it has no it truly has like nothing to do with you it’s there’s there’s something going on inside that like inside the man where either he’s nervous

1:19:00

he’s um he’s going through something he’s not fully aroused yet maybe there’s like you know some some warm-up that needs to happen for him that hasn’t happened yet and if like if you can recognize that it’s not anything to do with like your body or your attractiveness that he’s going through something then you can kind of take a deep breath and hold that space for him and a number of the the women who responded said well what i did was i loved on that soft dick the same way i would have loved on

1:19:28

a hard dick you know or like what else could i you know hey maybe i’ll i’ll start touching another part of your body that feels good for you that especially helped the men who had like who were emotionally like you know kind of stuck and didn’t know how to talk about it to just either relax some of them got back into it some of them didn’t but they could feel safe in their partner’s arms yeah and i think a lot of times like in our 20s you know the wind blows and a guy gets hard so it’s like we get so used to that

1:20:00

that then in our 30s and 40s when it’s harder for a man to to get turned on it just it doesn’t we’re not used to that yet you know and it i think with age comes stress hormonal things diet you know like so many things whereas like in 20s it’s like you’d hardly have to try so i think it’s just adjusting our mindset there too 100 and and that that kind of goes back to the you know the dick like the dick size conversation too it’s if a man is feeling you know person with a penis is feeling

1:20:31

that they’re like that they’re ashamed of the size and they’ve expressed that to you then i think some of the things that can be done are is you know like maybe in a non-sexual situation you know just like kind of sitting down looking deeply into that person’s eyes and just being like do you know i love your penis and and and what’s attached to it like or do you know that like your penis if you’re not in love with this person do you know that do you know that your penis is like i’m i’m happy with your penis

1:21:03

and the person that’s attached to it and and maybe even create kind of like uh like i said before a specific container where it’s like hey for half an hour i’m just going to play with your penis and you know maybe while i’m playing with it if anything comes up with for you you know around an insecurity let’s just talk about it you know or let’s just like let it come up and let it go and i’ll smile at you and i’ll you know i’ll i’ll i’ll blast some love at it and those could be the things that it

1:21:33

may take time it may take multiple situations for that to kind of overcome but to to create a space where a guy can feel it’s okay um can lead to some real healing yeah i love that and i it brings up uh you know like in the world of tantra i guess like using yoni massage and lingam massage and um giving a space like creating an appointment and a space and that opportunity to it’s okay like some of the techniques are not going to be the thing that makes you super rock hard they’re going to be just you know weirdly massaging your

1:22:10

penis she’s going to be just you know handling it in a way that isn’t the thing that’s going to be like you know getting you to have an orgasm but it’s going to be gentle and for your pleasure just in a different way and i think experimenting with things like that that yeah it’s all about making that container feel really safe for it to be flaccid sometimes and it you know to play to play it’s not going to be perfect it’s going to be messy this is about correcting the practice right yeah

1:22:39

and that makes me want to ask you too i know we’ve already you’ve already shared some but if there was anything that you wanted to share about ways men can upgrade their sex life yeah um you know it’s so for a man to upgrade his sex life there’s a few things and and i did say this before but i want to want to double click on it which is most men have this unconscious expectation that every every sexual interaction must end in an or like must end in ejaculation and it’s it’s it’s not even questioned

1:23:11

and so when that outcome is already predetermined then you’ve kind of like short-circuited in in like an entire universe of other possibilities chances are it’s going to probably be quicker than you would normally wanted to so i think like one thing i would say to upgrade your sex life is to release this idea of ejaculation as needing to be a requirement for every sexual interaction second thing would be you know porn and and i know this is something that we had on the list to talk about and you know porn was

1:23:45

something that when i gave it up for four years one of the fastest things that i noticed that came back were all of those like micro sensations that made being with a woman beautiful you know like you know like most porn guys aren’t watching porn from like the very beginning because it’s like it’s cheesy and it’s stupid like how am i gonna watch these people act with like the pizza delivery guy or you know the pool cleaner and i’m gonna listen to him talk about no guys like fast forward and

1:24:13

jump into it’s just like now we’re ramming each other it’s down the throat and and when guys condition themselves to that and then go from one clip to another there’s a desensitization that happens right so what happens is guys will bring that into their sexual experiences where they have to pornify their partner and pornify the sex so everything has to be fast these positions have to be ridiculous many guys will play um videos of what they’ve what they watched before instead of connecting with their partner

1:24:49

and i i talked to countless women about this where they’re like oh i know exactly when that moment where i turn into just like he turns into porn guy and i’m just being banged around kind of like a body for him to masturbate into like like women can feel this and where he’s disconnected or he’s in his head or he’s performing and it sucks so if a guy wants to upgrade a sex life a part of it is like how are you practicing you know like can you wean yourself off of porn take a seven day hiatus you know

1:25:22

maybe downgrade downshift from bukkakes and gangbangs and whatever else you’re into so something maybe soft or core and can you condition if like if if softer core porn can’t turn you on there’s a problem with that there is a problem if you cannot be aroused by something that’s softer it means that like that you have gone way too far and you’ve conditioned yourself which means that like when you get into bed with a real human being and we’re finding especially with the millennial population they’re getting into bed with

1:25:51

fewer human beings because they can like so easily satisfy themselves with porn they don’t have to face rejection or risk or these kinds of things their fantasies they can indulge in without having to worry about expressing it to someone who thinks it’s weird you want to upgrade your sex life then you really have to be meticulous around the kind of porn that you are watching and no one else no one else is going to be watching this like is going to be making these decisions for you you have to be the one

1:26:18

and if you don’t feel like you have the discipline or the willpower to unwind that then you need to start talking to other people another men that can serve as accountability partners for you to say hey guys for this next week can we do a challenge no porn or software porn only or whatever um and i found that like when i stopped watching porn and i was in a relationship at that time my god like her body like the softness of her body i could feel like the pads of my fingertips used to be like numb like when i would touch

1:26:51

her body i wouldn’t feel anything wow like then when i would touch her like i could feel her softness and when she would touch me on these different parts of my butt i could feel it versus the numbness and like her scent and her hair like all those little things so i um and since then and that’s been eight years of really practicing like when i’m with a woman man those little parts of her and there’s an endless there are endless parts of a woman to be explored like that that curiosity that that mystery goes the way

1:27:28

when when we’re just like programming with porn yeah sorry when i got on my high horse there no it was awesome yeah i think for me what brings what it brings to mind is this um this other piece as well so like this the porn addiction is so real so real and we’re getting deeper into it as you explained um there’s also this piece that i guess i don’t hear it really talked about often in this space but we’re gonna do it now so so for me a lot of the reason to show up in sex with men and to have a hunger for sex with men in

1:28:14

my life has been about getting validation from the man which means i was completely uh like subsetting or just completely denying pleasure receiving pleasure like the ability for me to receive pleasure for myself and instead i was receiving pleasure by getting validated by him which is a kind of ass backwards thing to be doing and extremely unhealthy and i think that’s also born through this porn culture but also can be born through many other traumas in our early life um so that piece of validation i think when

1:28:54

when we talk about conscious kings you know and awakening the king within and being a conscious lover and um getting to know yourself and becoming integral having integrity all these parts play into that that as well um of being able to recognize when your partner is like if you’re a man and you’re able to recognize when your female partner or whatever partner for that matter is coming at the uh sexual encounter with you from a place of seeking validation versus her wanting to receive pleasure that’s some magical [ __ ]

1:29:34

you know some serious shift can happen i think there and not to put it all in the man because obviously me as a woman i needed to recognize that for myself take responsibility for myself and that but if you happen to be the more conscious partner in relationship guess what it’s your responsibility to kind of start laying that path so yeah you want to touch on that some dom totally um so thank you for bringing it up and thank you for sharing that part of your experience mercedes i’ve i’ve been with a number of partners

1:30:03

who are like completely open and conscious and totally receptive to receiving pleasure and i’ve been with others who i think would fall into the probably like would relate a lot to what you just said and what’s what’s been kind of interesting is some of the women who have been similar to what you experience mercedes around like they used like they used my pleasure as a validation for them i found a theme that many of them wanted to be tied up and handcuffed because it would kind of like be the only way they could surrender to like

1:30:34

just not ejecting from when i gave them pleasure like it kind of became kind of a sign i looked for um so bondage happened to be not for all of them but like for some of them seemed to be this thing makes sense um and yeah it goes back to again uh if i’m the more conscious partner and in many cases like i tend to be in that situation it’s like really having to create an environment and a setting um to say today this this sexual experience is going to be about you and you only mm-hmm i’m not even taking my boxers off

1:31:09

you’re not touching my dick laying you down here’s what we’re going to be doing what else would you like and i’ve got some surprises in store for you right and we’re going to be here for a while and you know again something that you all brought up in in your pre questions were you know the like there are three types of potential orgasms that a woman can have i didn’t know that until you i didn’t know that until i heard that from you yeah and then that’s not mine i mean that that’s one of the things that i i

1:31:38

learned from um reading david dada’s book and let the enlightened sex manual and if you don’t mind i’d love to read you a passage on this because i think it may relate to short one and then we’ll talk about it so okay here we go there are three types of women’s orgasms there’s at least three types of women’s orgasms at least okay clitoral vaginal and cervical most women and men know only of the clitoral orgasm which is a relatively superficial pleasure a shard of trembling quickness without intimate knowledge of vaginal

1:32:16

and cervical orgasms many women remain unsatisfied without ever knowing why this dissatisfaction may extend far beyond the sexual occasion a woman may feel something missing in her heart she may feel an emptiness a yearning that her man doesn’t seem to be able to touch try though he might so what goes on to be explained in here are the three different types of orgasms so the cervical orgasm is is is kind of compared to a man’s a man’s orgasm it’s it’s quick kind of surface level and then it’s

1:32:51

it’s potentially depleting you know like after it’s done you’d rather kind of go to bed uh or lay and cuddle than you know then then go go further a vaginal orgasm uh and in a cervical orga sorry a clitoral orgasm may take like 10 to 15 minutes of stimulation can happen relatively quickly some some women take longer than others the vaginal orgasm is something that happens deeper it happens on the inside um typically like referred to as the g-spot orgasm some women have like a very well-defined g-spot others not so much it’s it’s not

1:33:25

as well-defined and may take some some searching um from what data says it can be like 30 to 45 minutes of stimulation and it may take for a woman who’s never had a vaginal orgasm it may take like weeks of practice maybe even months for an opening to occur because there could be closure there around wounds trauma not feeling safe with a man there could be stuff that’s you know in there that needs time and and those can be more replenishing orgasms full body energy shifting and then the last part would be the

1:34:02

cervical orgasms which i haven’t experienced with a partner yet because i just learned about these too um and i heard you say it’s like connecting to god or something like that yeah like these are these are described as like those transcendent earth shattering like like you know kind of god experiences where if you’ve had one you know like you know it’s not kind of like i’ve maybe i’ve had it and you know it’s some someone when i said i just got [ __ ] open to god um and and that can take you know up to an

1:34:33

hour of stimulation and and so that that requires like a partner who’s committed to creating that space to being there to holding that space um and it takes and it takes you to fully surrender to allow that amount of time and attention and that nurturing and that care and not having to feel like there’s some ledger that’s like okay now that i’m getting an hour of this i have to give an hour-long blow job tomorrow like like that that kind of stuff um so yeah those are the those are some of the big ones

1:35:09

there’s a yeah there’s a beautiful practice that we did with maddie moon who you know um in her sisu society when that was was an active workshop which was about basically how you can uh [ __ ] yourself open to god yeah and it’s my favorite practice yeah i didn’t know where you were going but um and she talks about yearning and longing and that the feminine energy is this essentially this void that’s never going to be fully satisfied by a human man and that the thing that you need to bring into your

1:35:53

sex and your especially relating with a romantic partner is you know the masculine god or however you want to look at it this god essence that will allow for the satisfaction that women constantly crave for i think she calls it the four foot [ __ ] of consciousness so it’s kind of well that’s very visual that’s the oh show name and but yeah or the osho name is the divine [ __ ] she calls it the um divine lovemaking or something like that yeah something like that anyway it’s a beautiful you know image of what that

1:36:25

means right like you’re you could not be more full of this energy and that’s really what um you’re receiving if you can bring god into your your sex so i don’t know i thought that was kind of it’s worth it’s worth uh buying sisu society just to be led through that call and then and then dom does a um art of revealing is that what it’s called with her that was really powerful as well um i also love how you you’ve talked about like holding a woman after she comes and that is like i had never

1:37:00

again that’s another thing you introduced me to because i had never even heard anyone talk about that until you know to ask for it yeah like didn’t know we were missing that well usually it’s like it doesn’t end until the man comes and sometimes she hasn’t even come but the fact that you stop and hold her after she comes makes i mean that’s just a completely different practice than people are used to yeah yeah it’s um you know i’ve found a lot of when i say a lot of like i don’t have a

1:37:28

lot of partners i have like most people think because i have like sex addiction in my history that like i’m just prolific um but especially over the last like you know six or seven years i’ve had very few partners and but i found that many of them have never had this experience of having an orgasm and then being able to just like bask in the afterglow of that orgasm because usually they’re they’re just kind of thrust into the next sexual situation you know like the guy now the guy is going to be taking her in a different

1:37:58

position and and so there are times where i’ve been with partners where they’ve come to a they’ve come to orgasm and you know like there’s that there’s that climax there’s the breathing it’s coming down and as they’re coming down you can almost feel them like turn their attention to me and then start whatever riding up and down again or wanting to you know go down on me and i’ve had to be like stop stop stop stop just feel that just feel that keep your eyes closed you know breathe that like

1:38:28

feel that in your body let’s just hang out with that for a little bit and just like just drop your body onto me you know or i’ll you know just lay there on the bed and for moments just like guiding her through just take the deep breath where do you feel that i feel that in my belly great can you circulate up to your chest and down your legs feel that in your head and sometimes we’ll just end it there you know like we’ll we’ll continue to do that and i’ll be excited i’ll still be hard but i can sense that like she’s really

1:39:02

enjoying that piece and and then i’ll be like hey why don’t we just take a little break and cuddle how would that feel for you and and she’s like you sure and and and it’s like yeah um that feel has felt really good for some of my partners so my partners are like nah let’s get back into it yeah okay i’m ready to go you know but but that if you want to talk about upgrading a sex life right you know like one thing a man can learn to do is hold the partner after the orgasm she trusts the [ __ ] out of it

1:39:39

that’s over right because she now this is one of the things that david data and john weinland always talk about take her deeper than she’s able to go on her own [Music] and like jade you just said i’ve never had that experience of being able to have an orgasm with someone i didn’t know that was a thing if you were with a partner that created that experience for you like and took you deeper than you were able to go on your own out of all your sexual experiences what would that do for your desire for

1:40:08

that man oh yeah so much trust is born there it’s just such a script flip of what we’re used to in a relationship with men especially in our younger years where men oftentimes don’t care about the woman orgasm well they don’t even want to hold they don’t even want to be like after they’re done orgasming it’s not even like the hold it’s the rush off to the shower or you know whatever it is and the magdalen manuscript it talks about how like you know it has this whole like awakening kundalini process and all that

1:40:44

and then um but it talks about how like you can awaken your kundalini and do all that but if you rush off after like being in her egg or her bubble or you know giving her your seed whatever it is that they um turn uh worded it but if you rush off after that then like the process is not complete that like that’s one of the main most important steps is that you stay in each other’s presence after after that and that’s that that too was like that’s really hard to get a guy to do so for a guy to stop

1:41:16

before he’s even come and just hold is so much about it so much of it is about slowing down and don when you described you know you walking her through this process and then saying like would you want to just cuddle and just leave it there to me that brought up this even like a fear sensation i could feel from my stories of am i being selfish am i like i need to give more than i receive essentially all right you know what i mean like i wear the mask of saying yes when i should say no like this is a core wound for me but

1:41:52

um that comes up for me and i think for women a lot of women they’ve experienced that where it’s like your needs and your pleasure are secondary to this man finishing whatever he’s going to do here so here’s a great story so there’s a um so i i have a sexual partner right now we’re not exclusive she lives in the west coast in los angeles and she has another lover that’s local who’s you know she’s 27 he’s 27.

1:42:19

um he’s not conscious yeah at all right and he’s also he also falls into that category jade of like the big dick guy that like has like has not learned anything other because he’s just so used to having a big dick you know says um and he’s one of the guys that falls into the category of uh he wants her to orgasm for his ego not because he’s actually sad there’s another thing you’ve said that really stuck with me yeah i think one of the posts i put on instagram was kind of like there’s two types of guys you know the one type of

1:42:49

guy who wants you to orgasm to satisfy his ego and there’s another type of guy who wants you like who would love gets pleasure from your orgasm because he loves to see you in your pleasure know which guy you’re in bed with right yeah and you know like mercedes i think there’s a lot of uh you can tell which kind of guy you’re in bed with even on an unconscious level right you know and what what i love to allow my partners to feel is i am so here for your pleasure you know like like when you are in

1:43:24

pleasure and when you are going deeper than you’ve gone before when you’ve had an experience that’s fulfilling to you like there’s nothing that lights me up more than that and and because i’ve also trained myself to not need an ejaculation every single time that i have sex it’s like like this watching you reveling and and say that example like mercedes if i was with a woman who who’s had like your like your life story yeah where she’s sitting there in bed and now reveals to me wow my whole life like i

1:43:57

felt like maybe this is selfish and cool let’s sit through that let’s just let that come up yeah let’s let that come up in that that worry and then allow that to pass what’s on the other side of that you don’t even know yet trust he’s on the other side yeah trust cool and then when that happens then what happened then then what then where do we go on the next sexual interaction exactly now we’re safer and we can you know journey into unknown territories and be adventurers together but yeah no

1:44:26

i mean i feel it you know as you say that and it’s something i’ve what we’ve played a lot with um here today but also just generally in my life that’s something i think i’m really playing with now is seeing those stories come up like during a yoni massage for instance i know a lot of women like get weird about yoni massage because you have to be so intimate with yourself in that moment yeah like for me my first yoni massage was like all this emotion flooding out it was not about like having an orgasm not even one

1:44:58

little bit about it was um and i didn’t know what to expect going in but then all this emotion came up all this you know i could see the stories of shame i could see like where i had been like robbing myself from receiving pleasure and to have a partner who has even just a molecule of consciousness you know to be able to like hold space i’m not saying that’s my husband i’m saying generally like out there in the world if someone can just hold if a man can just hold him a moment you know like slow down for a moment and say like what

1:45:34

is here and let it happen without trying to like fix it even just let it happen and come to the surface he’s holding space that is going to create a kind of trust that most women are not privy to in their lives yeah so when a man can become masterful at holding space like like the feminine partner can go to dimensions that like a guy has no idea how to go to right i mean like and so i get to witness that i get to i get to take part in that um like i marvel at the feminine’s ability to experience bliss and pleasure i mean

1:46:12

you have three at least three different types of orgasms and we can have multiple ones and multiples right very easily yeah come on i mean like you know i don’t have that kind of access and and even just like watching a woman transmit her pleasure like i like i can watch a woman sip a coffee and eat a pastry and if she’s like sexually connected and she’s biting into it you could see like the you can see the pleasure i can feel that in my body women can transmit in a way that like enters my body that

1:46:42

like if i watch this like a guy who’s really enjoying a pastry like it it doesn’t have the same kind of radiance or electricity yeah so if a man can get really good at holding space and allowing her to go to depths and to like then that ends up cycling back into that sexual union yeah and i’ve gone to some crazy ass places just because i’m i’m riding like i’m on the ride yeah i think you can treat them and listening yeah exactly as i was going to say it’s such a beautiful invitation to

1:47:15

create that space so that she can get into those realms and you can travel with her yeah i know we’re running out of time um i wanted to touch on i want to go back to porn addiction a bit because i know you pull 200 women on three questions um so i wanted to talk about that poll what the questions were and what your realizations were through that poll um and then just you know other things on porn addiction whether it’s tips for men who have the porn addiction or um i’m guess i know a lot of the men that i know who have

1:47:55

porn addiction were exposed to it by an older man like either like let them watch it or almost like made them watch it and so there was like this um i don’t know if that goes into if the way they’re exposed to it if that goes into how they become addicted um [Music] yeah and then lastly i’m curious too how women can support men in that journey and when it’s time to just go you know because i all the women i know who are with men and porn addiction or they’re hurting you know yeah yeah cool

1:48:29

great question there’s a lot of ways to approach that those are all the things that i wanted to bring up and i know you also brought up like um something around like you know you can use ethical porn you can use um only fans and i know a lot of men like you you had brought up like any time you were having anxiety or wanting to turn off or tune out you would use um porn or masturbation or sex thing we mercedes and i both have an only fans and i think a lot of times men may come on for that reason and we may entertain it a little bit but

1:49:06

we or we may entertain it to you know get them um in conversation with us and then we also invite them to be more vulnerable with themselves and and to um do things like what we talked about on this episode so um i love that you brought that up as an option yeah and here’s the thing i’m not anti-porn i’m really not i mean like you know for four years you know texas anonymous everything was like porn has been villainized and i’m not anti-porn you just need to be we need to be a lot more intelligent about the kind of porn we’re

1:49:39

watching why we’re watching it the effect it’s having on our sex lives the fact it’s having on our sexual identities and when you’ve been able to answer all those questions then you can start to decide like what role porn plays in your life and i i still very rarely but i still engage in porn every so often but it’s it’s it’s it’s you know usually when i’m not with a sexual partner so anyway um i would ask most guys and the guys who are listening if you think about the part of you that

1:50:07

you bring to porn is it the best part of you like is it your best self like when you sit down to watch porn are you showing up as the greatest version of yourself or is it usually the part of you that’s feeling tired overwhelmed anxious lazy i mean it’s it’s usually the part of you that’s like on some level broken or [ __ ] up and if you can recognize that that’s the energy that you’re bringing then you also then it can start to cultivate an awareness of what’s going on at a deeper level in here right like

1:50:41

like kind of put a pause on that so that’s the first thing i just want a guy to even think about is like who are you when you sit down and you watch porn it’s typically like some part of you that’s in a negative energy so i’m going to ask the three of you these questions uh these three questions to the two of you okay that i asked the women in our audience number one do you believe that most men have an unhealthy relationship with porn yes or no yes yes 64 of women said yes um out of the 200 that responded to mine

1:51:14

so 36 so basically two-thirds of women believe that most men have a bad relationship with porn number two have you ever had a partner who seemed to desire porn more than you no desire porn more than me uh yes definitely yep okay forty percent i should say not that i know of would you suspect jaden i was with someone who uh was a sex addict and a porn addict um but it seems the desire seemed equal got it got it yeah 40 of the the respondents said yes they had a partner who desire seemed to desire uh porn more than the sex with them and then 60 said

1:51:56

no and then the last question i would have for you is a man who watches porn a deal breaker for you no uh if it’s a regular occurrence for me yes but like you said if it’s like every now and then then no okay so and mercedes you said no it’s not no but i’d like to add that it does change dependent on how he’s using it and what he’s like i i’m so involved in the sex trafficking like china and sex trafficking and i know that there are that that that money goes hand in hand even if you’re

1:52:34

watching free porn the ads are generating money and that fuels sex trafficking um that’s a really big topic but because that’s such a passion of mine i there’s no way i could be with a man that that does that so it’s more of so it’s not it’s not about like that he’s watching another woman it’s more about where the money’s going to jaden and like i i celebrate that part of your work i’ve seen you know a lot of your posting about that and most guys don’t even stop to consider like the the

1:53:07

system that they’re you know that we’re perpetuating um there’s a documentary that lisa ann uh turned me on to it’s called hot girls wanted on netflix yeah i’ve seen it i’ve seen that yeah heartbreaking you know heartbreaking and it doesn’t get into the child sex trafficking but it does get into kind of like how vulnerable women are are manipulated into this industry chewed up spit out you know abused put in violent situations and guys like if you’re watching porn with like you go into these big porn

1:53:36

aggregators pornhub brazers red tube or whatever else is out there right now and you’re just indiscriminately going on it’s you know you are perpetuating a system where there are like child sex trafficking and other things so you should be asking the question like where is the ethical free range organic porn and you need to know that before you go in there because like when nike was using child child labor to build their shoes or you know these other companies like you voted with your dollars and until we

1:54:07

stopped and demanded better did the be the did some of those conditions change so i i needed to put that in there jade because you brought that up thank you yeah so when it comes to porn especially in partnership here’s one of the problems that i see so many guys like are not in partnership and they’re indiscriminately using porn building a habit and it becomes a ritual and like a lot of guys use porn daily and that’s where they’re getting their sex tips and that doesn’t it’s like i’ve heard that saying um it’s

1:54:38

like watching uh what’s that like race car movie that everyone with vintage knights oh uh uh that’s a furious it’s like watching fast and furious to learn how to drive is like the way i’ve heard it yeah yeah so they’re getting their tips that way but they’re also building a habit pattern throughout the course of the day they’re checking porn three six 12 times and now they end up in a situation with a partner and all of a sudden you’re supposed to take all that energy that you’ve

1:55:05

dedicated throughout the course of your day that’s been reinforced into a partnership and to go cold turkey like that like taking six cigarette breaks a day and then getting into a relationship and stopping smoking it’s it’s very challenging to do and most guys don’t know how to bring it up in their sexual partnership because their partner may be triggered by sex or by by porn so it becomes a secret and there’s also you know like when i pulled when i pulled the women in my audience a lot of women were very

1:55:36

triggered by porn and would have like destroyed a man for bringing it up um and so guys just kind of keep it a secret they continue to watch it the partner doesn’t know but kind of knows and it becomes kind of like this thing that never gets talked about but it it there’s a wall in between the two so what would my guidance be in that situation especially as like we’re talking about having better intimate relationships men need to understand the habits that they’re building and and like if if you are in if you’re

1:56:12

single but you want to end up in a relationship you got to understand the habits that you’re building right now and if like if you’re showing up every day 6-12 times a day like it’s like it’s not going to turn off when you end up in a relationship and you got to be willing to know how to talk about that with your feminine partner and when it comes to women who end up in partnership i would say even if you don’t like porn and you’re triggered about it you have to learn how to be safe to talk to yeah

1:56:41

because if like if you explode when a guy brings it up and he realizes that it’s like the third rail same with your sons yes exactly like if you want your sons to talk with you about it but then you kind of come down with the force of god and then then like you’re no longer a safe place yeah he’ll never bring it up mm-hmm yeah uh your second question will you state your second question again that you asked and have you ever had a partner who seemed to desire porn more than he desired you yeah so this is i think something that

1:57:16

a lot of women deal with that don’t realize they’re dealing with so in the sense of um i’m gonna use it in my own personal relationships uh i know that in bed with me the sex is desired and when we get to that place where we’re connecting intimately like that the sex is desired however the slowing down is what becomes the undesirable part which is because of the the practice of porn that shows you the fast and the furious you know method and the slowing down and taking time with a real human being woman

1:57:59

is what i think a lot of men or especially men that i’ve had this experience with are almost like allergic to just because they don’t even they first of all don’t know that it the the benefits that can come with it i think right and then uh they already know this is the way i get off and it’s easy and quick and i don’t and they built up all these other reasons to not be intimate with their partner or themselves which is the bigger part um because of their own [ __ ] that they need to do shadow work probably on

1:58:30

um and they have brought that into the bedroom and said oh this is taking too much time oh you’re gonna take 30 minutes to to get to a place where i can enter you and finally have penis and vagina sex like that’s just too much time i don’t desire this it’s not that they don’t desire you as a woman if anyone’s listening and can relate to this it’s that they don’t desire being intimate with themselves because it’s [ __ ] scary and to slow down that much would mean that they would have to actually

1:58:57

experience self-intimacy and and and one of the things mercedes to make this even more po like poignant for for the man who does exactly what you’re talking about which is he’s learned what’s made him pleasure like what like he’s learned his pattern and then he’ll do that with you and every guy will have like like a ticking time clock where it’s hey it’s two months it’s three months and six months where that becomes boring for him yeah and then he needs a new partner because he’s running the same pattern

1:59:24

and when he’s doing and he he’s he’s pigeonholing you into like that old one and and i’ve seen that with so many guys brian stacy my podcast partner said that like that that used to be like what how he used to roll i used to roll that way too when when you learn how to slow it down when you learn all these other realms of sexual exploration then you realize that like your partner she’s got like you could you can be the kind of guy that has sex with a thousand different women or you can be the guy who has sex with

1:59:57

one woman a thousand different ways right and every like i believe that every every feminine partner has the ability to have an infinite number of sexual ways that we can explore together but if you’re running one pattern as a dude you’re going to get tired of the partner you’re going to blame it on that partner and it’s not that partner’s fault it is your fault [Music] yeah yeah that’s it’s so slow what i’m hearing here is slowing down leads to birthing creativity into your sex life

2:00:29

the the variety that you’re seeking for is actually the slowing down is what can create that in whatever relationship slowing down to not have like a slow death basically yeah oh i heard a comedian the other day say something about like y’all men are complaining about [ __ ] a dead corpse in your wife you know your wife is like a dead corpse you killed her that’s funny who said that i don’t remember i have to look it up i forget i wanted to we have a lightning round of questions uh right before we close off

2:01:07

and i i did want to go into um how you talk about like if you want the king and your man then like to speak to his king energy like tell him you’re my hero and i love that but i did not know that you know so much about the menstruation cycle and and men’s involvement in that so i rather if you have time i’d rather touch on that um if you don’t then we understand hell yeah i’m always here for a good menstrual cycle conversation okay anyway before we do that um i will i’ll say we’ll probably just cut this little blip

2:01:40

out because jade enter that that maybe in a second just enter the menstruation conversation bring it up again but i do want to also ask you on the end of this porn addiction conversation specifically about sex workers because like jade mentioned we consider ourselves sex workers in the field of working in only fans and having men enter this work um the work that we do we end up doing with them but enter this work through that sexuality on the forefront piece since so many men are willing to go there they’re not afraid of that people try to

2:02:15

shame us for you know being on only fans but mercedes and i always joke like if your boyfriend’s on only fans you better hope he’s on ours because we’re like telling him to read david data and things like that that’s awesome so i guess my question to you is being a okay so so being a um you know sex addict or having come through this this world of of of looking into how you have gone into sex without intention right without consciousness necessarily um for a for a large part of your life and then getting confronted with

2:02:57

knowing porn stars like you said one of your good friends was a former porn star or now knowing us who are sex workers and we have our only fans for kings is what we call it um how and not by the way there’s a lot of girls with only fans that aren’t thinking about how to make up yeah we’re not saying we’re doing it better that’s right yeah right but men are entering this space because they’re comfortable with the the sex work worker on the forefront and the sexiness on the forefront they’re really they know that well you

2:03:31

know through porn and what we’ve already discussed here what is your outlook on that and is there are do you see that there can be a bridge from uh uh sexy sexy looking um work and translating that or sexy looking uh something can that also lead to liberation is what you’re trying yeah can that translate can you enter something like we’re trying to do with our with our only fans and with our workshops and that type of thing can you enter something that’s sexy at the forefront and allow it as a man to

2:04:09

to to be a bridge for you to get to inner work and get into intimacy work and this type of thing yeah a thousand percent i mean i i find like most guys need a trojan horse to actually get into the inner world and you know like all trojan horse things like how to last longer in bed and five practices to be a mentally tougher man you know like these kinds of things that will eventually get guys into their hearts and their emotions and then thinking about purpose and these kinds of things and sexuality absolutely

2:04:36

is one of those ways i mean for me you know when i hit my like my first bottom one of the first books personal development books i ever read was the way of the superior man by david and a big part of that is like mastery around sexual energy which is what taught me breathwork which has taught me how to last longer which has taught me how to hold space for women in being a masculine man and so like when i recognized that i was having better sex through these inner work uh components then i got really curious about what

2:05:06

other these other dimensions of inner work that was that was really truly one of my entry points and so if the two of you are at the forefront of hey come to our only fans we’re two beautiful women we know how to speak to kings and you know like i’ll meet you where you are because you think you’re just going to get like this beautiful woman with a beautiful body who knows how to speak centrally but i’m also going to hit you over the head with a little bit of re-david data and do some of this thinner work stuff

2:05:33

too yes like you’ve met them where they are and then you start to guide them where they need to go and one i do think that like one of the the cool offshoots of this covet era was like the explosion of only fans and how many people you know how many new sex workers ended up in that space and how it’s actually broadened the the sexual experience where it’s not just this like one size fits all porn totally right like th there’s one woman who’s a listener of our show her name is anna winters who does like these uh

2:06:09

audio um erotic porn that like i started listening to every so often i’m like oh that’s cool because it actually requires that like i visualize and it’s just down and i really like that actually you’re using your imagination um what i a common a common message i get from women is that using sexuality is manipulation and basically it’s like witchcraft um you know it’s like the religious programming um but that uh from men it’s mostly and this is mostly like men who care about us but it’s mostly like well they’re not going

2:06:47

to take you seriously like they’re that’s not what they’re coming there for um so it’s like those are the two common um messages but i know that those are all true i know that what my intuition but i don’t feel that it’s that it’s witchcraft um well it is witchcraft in the sense of why were witches burned at the stake in the first place right because they were so powerful with what they were offering that it was scary especially for you know the patriarchy that was being born i don’t even like to use that term as a

2:07:19

as a negative but this dogma that was being born that we can’t have these women that are intuitive aka magic or psychic able to express their power in the world because we can’t contain that yeah well scary when i was getting a lot of those uh messages from men and women i i did like take on that shame and i got a lot of pain in my left shoulder blade for a while that i couldn’t get rid of and um my the intuitive that i spoke of earlier in the show her name is mary margrave she’s amazing she um

2:07:52

[Music] the message she gave me that really resonated with me was um like sexuality in its purest form is when you like merge it with spirituality so like you know post the sexy images and bring with it your gold you know it’s when it’s it’s when it’s in its lowest form that it’s void of spirituality yeah is when it becomes the porn addiction and the sex trafficking it’s it’s when you come at it and you’re using both that it’s like that is that is like um the highest form yeah and even

2:08:25

biblically that like jade you’ve talked about this a lot mary margrave maybe one of the people who brought it up into our lives as well is mary magdalene right of the bible the [ __ ] and the holy woman she is a witch of all witches like she literally was able to take those two concepts that in our world right now the world you know society sees it as contradictory but they can live together that’s what we’re doing with our work you and i jade especially with our only fans and saying like yeah you know what this

2:08:57

is existing we are alchemizing well she was called the [ __ ] she was called a horse she wasn’t actually a prostitute she just was autonomous doesn’t matter teacher i know i don’t want people to discredit everything you’re saying just because of that one word so i want to clear that part up yeah the thing is the people who are going to discredit it are just not ready for the work they’re just not there yet and they’ll come around because this is where they’re getting the exposure you know

2:09:23

and it’s probably something that’s taboo enough to interest them anyway i mean i i think that um you know go back to the witchcraft comment like i do believe it’s witchcraft but i believe witchcraft is like a powerful thing it’s a beautiful thing it means it means it’s like you can like you said alchemize and transmute witchcraft is given like this bad term they call it sorcery the male version and suddenly it’s okay and and i mean and here’s the thing it’s like because we live in this world where

2:09:48

like sexuality seems to like there are these powerful forces that want to control sexuality and have like a very strong opinion about how sexuality should be portrayed and show and these are you know in many cases religious institutions these kinds of things right cultures verses like you two get to choose exactly how you want to portray and share your sexuality that is your choice and yes there may be many men who have been conditioned to looking at the way that you portray your sexuality as i’m not going to take you seriously

2:10:21

but that’s their conditioning right that’s what they’ve learned and there are plenty of other guys who look at what you’re doing as empowered as beautiful as and and then and then are open and receptive to like the deeper levels of spirituality that you’re embedding in there so i do believe that like we’re having some sort of sexual renaissance where what you two are doing in the next few years is gonna be much more um prevalent yeah it’s gonna be much more embraced people are going to see beyond

2:10:53

because most guys are not used to seeing like two beautiful women like you who are also have this kind of depth who are also ringer you know who also do mma stuff like they’re not used to seeing that they have like a very specific box stereotype sure first um so it’s just about like breaking that box and then showing them what you got and i’m sure like you know like some of your bigger fans longer longer tenured fans like see exactly what you’re doing right for sure yeah and i think you know just

2:11:25

to finish this little combo this piece of the combo off is you know we talked about this a lot jade but we are pioneering something we’re at the forefront of this adventure you know and so we are the ones who are going to be burned at the stake so to speak luckily it’s not literal like it was for for quote-unquote witches in the day um we get to try again essentially and take you know what our grandmothers and grandmothers grandmothers uh worked for for a long time and bring it back around like this is i think the right time it is the

2:12:04

renaissance of this work and and it might come with um like i always say objectify me like feel free to objectify me it has literally nothing to do with how i subjectively feel sexy in my own body when i took this photo and posted it and put this caption with or whatever my you know however i’m putting myself out in the world and when someone man or woman comes to that and says you’re just gonna get objectified no one’s gonna take you seriously your your plight is going to be completely fruitless that’s

2:12:37

their projection onto my work it has literally nothing to do with me because i know exactly my intention i know my particular worth and also that i subjectively feel a certain way in my body when i do the things i do and when i give the work i give so it’s really it doesn’t affect me but but i also see that for women and other people that are going to come to this work and i i think there’s going to be a big movement you know create a whole hopefully it’s a huge movement where we all can adjust i think that they do need

2:13:12

to understand that bad objectification that’s going to come at them is something that they’re going to have to figure out how to separate themselves from that it isn’t actually about them it’s just like when your man loses his boner it’s not about you it’s his own work the person that’s their work do you still have time for demonstration now that we’ve talked on that for so long it’s okay if you don’t i actually i actually do um i have to jump at maximum two to four half an

2:13:39

hour from my from right now okay okay we’ll just cover that real quick and then we’ll close off with you we’re so sorry thank you this is this has been great okay good um so i’m just going to copy and paste my question from above to here because it’ll be easier to edit so you can just start where you’d like okay the menstrual cycle yeah okay um one of the one of the one of the delights about running our own podcast which is called the great man within podcast is we cover these topics that i never would have you

2:14:12

know sought out otherwise and we ended up interviewing these two brilliant women who wrote a book called wild power and it’s all about like unleashing the power of your menstrual cycle and the book was published by hay house they’ve been doing this work teaching women how to align their energies and their lives around the four seasons of their menstrual cycle and what we what what brian and i my podcast partner and i you know we’re really curious about is you know this thing that we’ve been taught is mysterious and it’s a woman’s

2:14:44

business um that we’re not supposed to have any role in like how can a man play a supportive role in that how can we understand it more and you know most guys have been taught that it’s like oh you know like like these are some of the off-color jokes that most guys grow up with which is don’t trust anything that bleeds every 28 days and doesn’t die you know what i mean or she’s pmsing and like these are like these are like you know these are real things that guys are or guys will even like when you’re not on your period

2:15:11

be like are you on your period or something like that yeah something like that um or your period is a an inconvenience towards sex you know like it’s like to a man that the menstrual cycle has inadvertently become just like this evil and and and what i’ve learned in like my conscious communities over these last few years and i’ve seen so many women like just talk about the magical powers of it and how they’ve transformed their entire lives by understanding the four seasons of their cycle like winter spring summer

2:15:43

and fall and how each of the um the different periods or the different parts or the seasons of this cycle can can dramatically affect the energy the sex drive the spontaneity and so when when i started to read the book wild power with my partner the 27 year old who’s you know living across the country what what we started to learn was that when she’s in her let’s say autumn phase which is typically known as the pms phase right she gets really tender she gets really introspective and she’s got a [ __ ]

2:16:21

bite to her man i mean like you know it’s like the stuff that she’s been holding on to those resentments that stuff comes out there’s no filter and she and she’s sharp digs it in right and she is not at all sexual or like let’s just put like her sexuality like drops like off off a cliff so the days leading up to you know her fall her autumn cycle you know are kind of like you know her ovulation which is like the highest point of her sexual energy so we could be doing all these sex you know sex

2:16:56

pictures fantasies phone sex and then it drops off a cliff and i’m left to not know what’s going on she doesn’t know what’s going on because she hasn’t read the book you know but now now that we see here’s what happens at these different stages of the cycle she’s like hey dominic i’m in autumn now and and i can feel her asking these deeper questions about her life she’s not at all concerned about sex she doesn’t want my dick pics she doesn’t want to talk about her she’s gonna watch the videos

2:17:23

that we film together you know like these kinds of things but i can meet her there and then like you know hear some of those things that she’s been holding on to that i’ve done or that you know she wants me to know about when she moves into the winter cycle which is like her bleed um something else starts to happen she’s not as um she’s not as i guess you could say she’s still introspective she’s still kind of like in her inner world but she becomes a little bit more sexual she wants to engage more

2:17:58

she’s deeply intuitive at that time like these are where some of her bigger visions come from and then as she merges into spring and summer she becomes like the superwoman extroverted energy she’s a fitness instructor and now she’s out creating everything she’s redecorating her entire apartment she’s really concerned about what’s going on in my life and asking me a lot of questions about me um whereas like during the winter and the fall she’s much more like kind of inwardly consumed so that has brought

2:18:26

an entire new level and depth of intimacy in our life to communicate with our sex with understanding what she needs and how i can support her during that and also not to take some not to take [ __ ] so personally you know because now i know where she’s at so i would rev it’s revolutionized not only how she’s like organized her day and her energy um and giving herself permission to relax like when she’s in those autumn and winter phases but it’s revolutionized our dynamic too from a sexual and relational perspective

2:19:02

yeah i will say my own experience there is coming to one of my most passionate places that i study is in is in the endocrine system and hormones especially female hormones and in learning some of that work i would share with my husband like hey i really want to get you on board with like this app that kind of tells you where i’m at and what symptoms are what’s the symptoms what um you know things you can look out for and how you can navigate better with me or i can anyway for two years he was extremely resistant

2:19:38

to that so just to speak to that story in men you know in our culture of like i don’t want to look at this thing it’s not for me and he’s raised by a woman he’s had women around him his whole life like he is more exposed to this than most men so i can imagine it gets only worse from there as far as the resistance goes but yeah was that something you had to overcome yeah well i mean a lot of a lot of women don’t understand their menstrual cycles don’t understand like you because it’s been so surprising like the menstrual

2:20:10

cycle has been vilified absolutely from you know from a societal perspective think about like how our business world is set up it’s about hyper masculine aggressive hit goals like you know and go go go go go and the menstrual cycle is like truly a 28-day like ritual it’s like a like a death and rebirth and like the hormone the the hormonal fluctuations are are are tremendous during that period of time and we expect someone to show up the same way every single day so like when the system is set up that way

2:20:42

um then then like it can it can appear that a woman is unstable or crazy um especially like when it’s like when we set it up and that’s in that sense and women are uneducated so even though like your husband’s been raised by women around most women not educated on that yeah educated right so it just it just filters like they probably feel like they’re on some level and this book and the podcast that we did like just made it so clear and there’s so many answers here and okay so like like the case to be made

2:21:15

why should like if you’re a man listening to this um well if if you want to underst if you want deeper intimacy with your partner if you want better sex with your partner if you want to be a man who can lead in his relationship right and like with with my partner that i’m not exclusive with i was the one who brought wild power to her you know like and i signed her up for the six week course that they offer online and and she looks at me as like holy [ __ ] this guy you know like like i’ve never had a guy

2:21:47

bring something like this hair about this yeah she’ll never forget you [Laughter] one of the biggest complaints i hear from women is my man leads in every other area of his life except a relationship he leads in business he leads in his physical well-being he leads in his hobbies he leads in his passions and then he just kind of like you know he’s like a like a limp dick when it comes to running so many women feel that way so if like guys one way that you can show up is like like read this book um you know you can

2:22:29

you can you can google like our podcast the great man within podcast listen to the man’s guide to the menstrual cycle i would start there because it’s like a 50-minute episode it’ll blow your mind and don’t force this aside don’t force this book upon your woman but just like get to know it and then maybe just kind of like lob out some breadcrumbs you know seduce her see if like she has an interest in it and and maybe buy the book and well most of us want to feel less crazy so i don’t

2:22:55

know any women who won’t be into it yeah yeah but but most women you know like women have to come to it at their own time as you’re trying to awaken kings that like a guy who has stuff forced upon him is just like whoa slow yeah and it can also seem like a man asking a woman to read a hormone book is almost like the man’s like please like right yeah right be less crazy and it can’t come off that way it’s got to be you know from uh hey like the way that it worked for me and my partner was just like

2:23:30

you know these last three these last three winters of yours these last three times where you’ve been menstruating i can tell like you know you’ve asked some really difficult questions about your life and you seem to be you know kind of down and you need some support and i want to be here for you i just read this book and like there’s a lot of answers here can i read a passage to you that i underlined what made me think about you and and she was like yeah and then when i read it to her she’s like wow and i’m

2:23:55

like guess what she said what my book’s coming your way and i’m like liking like no pressure to read it but like when it’s there and you’re ready to go for it and um and then there was there was an event that happened that like kind of created this thing where we both decided to read the book together and you know what and sometimes i think it’s okay to have a little bit of pressure from your partner in that sense of like i do want to show up for this person i mean that’s okay you know yeah um

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this is such a i’m so glad that we got to address that with you i think it’s so important and i wanted to throw a caveat really nothing we have to comment on but i just the thing that gets left out most in this work with men and women talking about menstruation talking about the menstrual cycle and how all the ebbs and flows work is the the wrench that gets thrown in is birth control where now we’re on a hormone that doesn’t allow the the regular ebb and flow so you have to also consider that there’s a lot of beautiful

2:24:55

books um to look at with that one’s called your brain on birth control so if that ever interests someone who is on birth contour is with a partner on birth control can help you kind of guide through that too because it’s a completely it’s a whole nother layer of this thing um okay so we’re gonna get into our quick staple questions here with you dom um and the first one is if you could hug your younger self right now what would you say i thought about this one for a while and you know the thing that eventually came

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up for me was the most important part of that hug is not what i would have to say it’s how it would feel for my younger self and we rely so much on words when oftentimes it’s like really about that feeling the the warmth the embrace the [Music] the grounding and i think about how we hug today it’s kind of like these chest to chest kind of crotch out hugs where we’re baby burping people on the back and and like my younger self would have really wanted that like that long warm as long as you need it kind of hug

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and and i think if i were going to use words for my younger self the words that i would have wanted to hear is no matter what i love you gosh i love the fact that you bring up needing to feel held as a man too i think that’s something men are really worried to to be able to voice or even be with is to be held like sometimes that is what you need and that’s okay yeah we still have that inner child inside of us that needs to be held and most guys have no idea what it feels like to be held and you know the

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feminine partner can do that or other guys can can hold that for you too that’s why men’s work is helpful but it’s it’s cathartic yeah i love that if you could have the whole world read one book which would it be outwitting the devil by napoleon hill oh i’ve read um you know probably 300 books over the last decade and that is the number one most influential book of my life and the reason for it is napoleon hill’s most famous for the book think and grow rich and outwitting the devil he interviewed 25 000 people over a

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20-year period think about this 25 000 people that’s 2500 people uh that’s uh over 20 year period over a thousand people a year at the end of their lives who felt like their life was a failure wow you know what i mean they didn’t live their purpose they felt their life was they left chips on the table and he mined their secrets he wrote the book out winning the devil to help prevent those of us who don’t want to let end up in that space and it’s a conversation like the the devil it’s like a conversation with the

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devil which is this distillation of 25 000 dreams lost it’s kind of like the field guide for how to break free from meandering through your life and how to live a life of intentionality that’s that’s just outwitting the devil yeah outwitting the devil i thought you were going to say the enlightened sex manual um because they see you reference it so much but um i’ve never heard of this other one i’m excited to get it me too yeah bread think and grow rich that’s the thing you have but mercedes if you like if you liked that

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now winning the devil will just like knock yourself it was it was a book that was buried uh out think and grow rich was was released in like 1938 1939 during the great depression outwitting the devil was buried by his family for about 70 years because they were afraid of of what was in the book and it was released during the great recession in like the 2011 time frame that’s fascinating especially because we are in in you know another renaissance of us finally a lot of us actually going after our bliss listening to our damon you know letting

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our soul guide us to the work we’re here to do and all of that and i could see during the great recession where it’d be like nah like we need to just get to the grindstone and just work whatever it is to survive here wow that’s fascinating okay if you could whisper one phrase to everyone on the planet what would it be like the like if you were to take the 32 year old dominic and hear what i’m about to say i would have smacked this version of me upside the head but the three words i would say one phrase

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over and over again is love heals all and this past weekend i actually um i did my very first lsd trip and i’ve worked with psychedelics like mushrooms in mdma and ayahuasca this is my first lsd trip and i had a friend come over and supervise and hold space for me and i had a chance to really see at the very like most microscopic of levels the reason why we we hate the reason why we have violence the reason why we have so much pain the reason why we hurt is because there are these like tiny little fears unmet needs

2:30:03

that with just a dash of love like like we can short-circuit that that trajectory that leads to violence that leads to pain that leads to self-loathing and and we’re really shitty at that right now we know how to yell at people we know how to argue with people we know how to condemn people we know how to cancel people and and i understand that there are a lot of oppressed groups that absolutely need voices heard and so like there’s an anger that’s rising there that needs to be heard in a different way but there

2:30:32

are a lot of other places where like there is more capacity to love and if we can learn how to sprinkle a little bit more love on these situations even when we’re right we think we’re right or we’re justifiably angry um that we get to a much better place much faster than we do with anger cancelling trying to beat someone in argument so love heals all right we love that um if you could have the world or sorry before we let you go i thought i had these memories before we let you go where can people find you online

2:31:11

i would love um i would love people to come over to the great man within podcast um we it’s it’s specifically designed for men who want to listen and learn about purpose sexuality masculinity habits these kinds of things um how far but i also enjoyed it as a woman yeah absolutely that’s what i was going to say like half our audience ends up being women because like you all want to be a fly on the wall for like conscious man talk and what we’re doing right and we want to understand men more yeah why the [ __ ] do you guys do that

2:31:42

not saying we always know what we’re doing or how we’re doing uh we give our best attempts there so the great man within podcast is number one and then um on instagram at dominic q is like i’m just starting to kind of build out that social profile and and uh my kind of my daily thoughts go there so at dominic you would be the you know those are the two places i would point people okay gorgeous um dom thank you so so much for spending the time today and not just with us but just generally your work has been

2:32:15

such a inspiration for our own work that we’re doing in this space um and your example of being being on your throne you know like setting that example of being a king is huge in the world um we’re so so needed and we hope that people go over and listen to your show and figure out what your work’s all about because that’s that’s gonna make us all so much better like just wanting to seek that integral man out of yourself so if you’re listening to this man or woman go over there find out how to masturbate

2:32:51

like a king you know find out how to uh bridge the gap to your fully integrated self because it’s all there waiting for you appreciate you dom thank you thank you so much thank you to your incredible interviewers and space holders it was it was a pleasure to be able to hang out with this kind of like go this deep with the team yeah thank you thank you so this will air um we got way behind because uh we’re organizing a men’s workshop we’re having next month so um this is actually our first podcast back in a while so this

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will air on monday actually so really quick yeah i gotta work fast what’s your men’s workshop well we’re having or you want to explain that mercedes uh it’s called awakening the king within and um yeah as you can imagine with all that talk here and it’s basically going to approach four different we’re doing it as live calls instead of doing or lifeguarded yeah so four live calls we’re gonna approach the four archetypes the union archetypes king warrior magician lover we’re gonna approach the four attachment

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styles uh most of the men coming onto this call have never heard of these things though because it is like our only fans guys gary 101 you know and um a lot of it will be about the four turn-ons which are like what we consider the most the the things that would turn on uh women most seeing in men and a lot of it’s about number one is integrity yeah about integrity building about being able to communicate all kinds of fun stuff um and what’s up what’s the forum the other four i’m leaving out uh four habits of

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or it’s before [Music] earlier with michael brody wait with the something that comes from like the 12-step program and then we’ll interview him as well so yeah four principles so you know eric godsey by chance his work i think i was reading through one of your um reviews you would like him a lot yeah yeah he’d love him i mean he likes union psychology yeah okay yeah um but yeah we launched on april 19th so i bring him up because he’ll be part of our work with the archetypes and that type of thing so it’ll be all part of

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that workshop and it’s our first one so we’re super excited uh we’ve been working very hard on building it and getting the launch ready so yeah it’s exciting i know you’re a month away or so but i mean i’m always curious like how’s the reception been with you with your men around something like this well we haven’t posted a single thing yet because well not the workshop yeah but we have so like we’ve been on only fence for a while now and that’s the way we speak about it on free

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social platforms it’s kind of like come over there and we will deep dive with you or just come and see the sexy stuff we have posted over there that’s exclusive men go over there of course like the majority of them are going to just be there for the sexy stuff and they’re off to wherever else they go but we have our vips you know like our core group that we can that basically subscribe and show up on every comment section and all that and those are the ones that get in the dms with us and that’s where like the magic literally

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happens and they start just divulging everything that’s going on in their lives their porn addiction has been a huge thing like hey i’m addicted to porn and this is how it’s affected my relationships um they’ll go listen to our podcast or we’ll like send them to listen to one and then they’ll come back and be like i listen to that podcast and this is what came up for me so it just opens the door to so much of this oh it’s been awesome yeah i mean i would brian and i would love to have the two of you on to talk about

2:36:24

like that perspective i think it would be really great to oh that’d be awesome yeah because just um hearing i mean i don’t know anyone who’s kind of doing what the two of you are doing in terms of nobody we looked yeah i was gonna say you know and it’s just like hey we’re here offering this thing and then we’re taking guys down this path and like you were saying mercedes that there’s a certain group that’s just gonna go that way yeah but then there’s like this group that’s

2:36:48

emerging that’s coming this way and now you’re offering a awaken the king program um maybe i’m just thinking about the timing of this i mean it could be cool maybe to bring you all on like when when when that program’s already been launched that’d be awesome yeah or maybe like before the next launch of it i don’t i don’t know because like i think it would be cool to hear the aftermath of that absolutely so i think that we since we’re gonna do four live calls over a month it’ll be in

2:37:16

one day yeah so at the end of may for instance we’ll kind of been able to gather some of what has happened over that workshop and that workshop’s going to live you know indefinitely on our website and that so i think that would be a really cool time to kind of recollect and talk about what happened in there and how because i mean the vision has been really clear i think for now a couple years but finally we’re coming you know bringing it to fruition with finally having a a real place that’s specific for them to go

2:37:48

where it’s only fans and they’re like i’m not sure what i’m gonna get here and then it transitions into this thing then they get invited to this workshop and then they go and do the work and that’s where it’s gonna be like oh [ __ ] like this might have been something we’re like we’re pioneering we have a mission we know what we’re going to do here but if it can actually translate that’s where the proof is you know in the pudding that they can enter this work through the sexuality piece and end up a

2:38:11

more conscious being on the other side so yeah beautiful if you if there’s at any point in the way where you are are structuring the program and you want to run it by like a different set of eyes it sounds like you’ve already got eric godzi but you know like this is kind of my skill set yeah like one of my gifts is like how to structure space containers curriculums for men and um if there’s anything i could do to support yeah that would be amazing just yeah yeah yeah thank you so much appreciate that yeah

2:38:44

um we’re definitely taking a call in a few minutes so i want you to be able to have a bathroom break and all that so i’m shocked to be able to hold it this long i know that’s my next stop thank you so much we’ll send you the promo videos in the next couple days for uh the episode yeah thank you too bye bye talk to you soon bye all right whoo that was really good oh my gosh i feel like we’re just really um we’re bringing in the people and the voices in this space that are so needed and also so supportive of the

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work that we’re doing with our own with our own men’s workshop and such and it feels like alignment you know it feels like okay universe you’re listening you hear us you’re guiding us you’re giving to us we’re experiencing the abundance and i [ __ ] love it yeah and i know your magic trick today has to do with dom and so does mine why don’t you go into yours yeah it doesn’t it has to do with our conversation with dom for sure because um so much of the work that you know we’re asking men to do and that

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generally humans like men or women it boils down to having integrity or to becoming integral right and and being integrated and as a man or a woman being integral is what makes you a valuable part of society it’s what makes you undeniably attractive um and it’s what allows you to walk in life as a king or a queen really so it’s it’s one of those those parts that we can embody it’s the embodiment it’s hard to to verbalize it really but it is what embodiment actually means integrating the parts of you that you

2:40:33

may have lost along the way so my magic trick today is to discover what inner work is needed in order to become integrated in order to find the places of you that you have lost so i have some questions here to ask um you can ask yourself in order to gain some clarity on where your attention is needed and where to begin your work so pay attention to which of these questions sticks out to you and and let that be an indicator for where to begin pulling a thread okay so here are the questions what does having it together mean to you

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how in alignment are you with the true essence of being human can you give and receive love and i’d also add can you give and receive pleasure can you let yourself be supported do you have people in your life you could call when [ __ ] goes down could you be completely yourself with somebody shadow and all and be held in that do you have any unhealed relationships do you have a close relationship with your family do you have a perfect relationship with your romantic partner so i’m sure i don’t know if anyone else was

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listening to all that but i was like uh i gotta look at a lot of those places in my life um but this is where we we begin to gain clarity by doing this work so it’s about knowing what your triggers are what your fears are and what is and isn’t right for you so that we can make decisions from a clear place which ends up creating a better and safer place for us all and uh that’s really what we want isn’t it i mean we want to have uh the ability to live in a world where we’re all living a full spectrum life getting to experience

2:42:36

all the good stuff yeah and those questions are really good my magic trick is also questions but there are five uh journaling prompts or questions to get to know your sexual self so the first one is how did you discover your sexuality so you can think about whether it’s your earliest influences this is pulled from dom’s instagram by the way um you can think about who your earliest influences were what your earliest memory or turn on was um what beliefs you know formed your sexuality um and uh so that for so the the main question

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though was how did you discover your sexuality the second question is what are your peak sexual experiences so think about what like your most memorable or enjoyable sexual experiences were um and what the elements were that contributed it to it being your peak experience um and then what was nourishing about that for you okay the third question what part of your sex life do you keep secret so what what fantasies or behaviors do you keep secret what motivations do you keep secret um do you feel a sense of shame around those um

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what would allow you to feel a sense of safety in um no longer having no secret the fourth question is how has or does porn affected your sexuality so um what is the quality of your porn consumption compared to one to three years ago so you can also compare it to the past um what kind of porn do you like how has the kind of porn you consumed changed from the past to now um [Music] and how has your porn habits affected like your desire for connection and intimacy with others and that might be a harder question to ask because you

2:44:31

have to really like have some self-awareness and introspection but that that original question was how has or does porn affect your sexuality the last question is how do you feel when you have an abundance of sexual energy so are you overwhelmed by it and seek for an immediate release or do you love the power and magnetism you feel and allow it to continue building and do you know how to harness and use this energy for non-sexual outlets like dom talked about in this episode um so yeah those are the five questions

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and um i think they can be used for a man or a woman i i know we think of um men more when we think of dom’s work but those can be used for either yeah that’s really beautiful stuff and and i know that question about porn um the type of porn you consume and how often and that type of thing uh might not that might not fit for for some like women maybe aren’t as porn you know are watching porn as much i know some do but some might not so i was thinking you could even use an alternate like with the same

2:45:36

energy of how often do you seek elsewhere for that stimulus right yeah that sexual stimulus whether that be looking at your ex’s photos on instagram or you know like i don’t know the different ways but i’m just thinking if that didn’t fit for you there’s probably another way that you’re seeking the same thing essentially the same escape or the same um way to to jump in and out of a intimacy with yourself right yeah um anyways i love that i think i need to journal that myself i love it love it love it i need

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to journal those five prompts for sure good all right magic moppers thank you so much for tuning in and taking this journey with us if this episode held some magic for you please share it with your friends and family this would mean so much to us and don’t forget to join us on our magic hour page on instagram and let us know what your favorite episodes have been so far we appreciate all of your feedback and want to know what is lighting you up yes guys and that handle on uh instagram is the magic hour spelled m-a-j-i-c

2:46:43

guys we release a new episode every monday we have been fantastically consistent it is almost a miracle so if you enjoy our effort that we put into this show and you want to show us how much you love it please go check out our podcast library now and uh find another episode that speaks to you and we will meet you there until then be a lie