(00:00) record on audacity and audacity hold up hit record and then phone my phone is recording let me just double check it again make sure it’s on video and i didn’t turn it on some other [ __ ] on slow-mo yeah i always do that or on time-lapse okay and then let’s do a clap together for the start of the video because i think that might be hard for them to piece together later okay on the count of three one two three that always seems way off but that’s the point right because then they can just sink it

(00:53) no i guess we don’t know but we’re trying our best guys whoever’s editing this for us okay makes for good bloopers i guess okay i’m not muted yeah i’m sure everything’s charging it looks good yeah okay yeah okay um and obviously you know like our listeners won’t know you as well as i will so try to remember you’re answering for them and not for me because i know i was thinking about that i feel like you know the thing that we talked about and we don’t and then it’ll be like natasha’s interview that’s what i

(01:37) was thinking about today okay you good to go i think so i’m just i’m not i’m not here yet am i i know i know it’s already 6 22. oh lord okay good thing we broke these up into two days all right here we go what is up magic moppers welcome boys and babes it’s the magic hour a place where we navigate through life’s peaks and valleys with all the vulnerability and shamelessness we can muster with the help of world-class guests from all walks of life we uncover new truths and valuable tools for manifesting our

(02:24) highest potential i’m your host mercedes terrell and today we are doing things a little bit differently this is our show’s one year anniversary about work we’re basically we’re going to call it one year we’re right around that time so my co-host jade and i have decided to interview each other today instead of somebody else so it’s actually today is i’m going to interview jade and next week she’ll be interviewing me and this will hopefully give our listeners a chance to get to know us a little better

(02:57) probably a lot better actually so we’ll see how that goes okay so let’s do it if you’re a frequent listener to our show you already know and love her she’s one of my best friends who i com she’s one of my best friends whom i consider a sister and soul mate moreover she spent the better part of her life seeking answers to her darknesses bravely navigating through her pain and doing the uncomfortable work of sorting through her traumas re-parenting herself and reaching for an always-elusive sense of

(03:30) self-mastery this wild woman is a true empath who sees the world through eyes of compassion speaks and walks in beauty and is so vulnerably and authentically herself that she radiates light and with this she illuminates the way for others to do the same as an experienced psychonaut intuit and student of the psyche she’s stepping into her inner shaman while creating and claiming the undeniable abundance surrounding her now as the host of a top ranked podcast she has answered her calling to be a world renowned sacred

(04:08) space holder and a prolific healer by sharing her story of trauma and rising and by honing her intuitive abilities of clairvoyance and empathy to be a deeper and more patient witness for others a cherished mother of two precious toddlers and the co-parent of this podcast we birthed together she’s both a lover and a magician a constant vagabond journeying into the gray and reminding us all to be a light please welcome the yin to my yang my partner in shine jade bryce to the magic hour damn now i know what our cats feel like

(04:48) i never realized i had fun writing that way what it’s like to listen yeah does it make you red i feel like you’re pink oh am i [Laughter] no i’m gonna have to really uh do you justice so um i obviously had to ask everybody who i knew who listened to the pause cat podcast what they what they wanted to ask you when they could have the chance for this episode so i’m kind of going to use that as a guidepost today so i want to kick this thing off um kind of getting your story so if you’re an avid listener of the podcast you’ve

(05:28) heard jade interject with some of her own personal experiences enough to know that she’s been through some real [ __ ] in her life and um she’s used it to shape who she is today so i’d love it jade if you could take me and the listeners on a little journey with you through some of the the windy roads that led you here and of course as you tell your story i might detour you to dive deeper into one thing or another but let’s let’s start at the beginning and see what comes up yeah so um i was born in 1984

(06:03) on a dark and stormy night it all started on bourbon street um yeah my story um i’ve been trying to figure out how to share my story in a way that doesn’t hurt the people that may have seemed like the bad characters because no one is bad and i don’t want to make anyone feel guilty or pay for something that happened three decades ago so i’ve been recently trying to figure out how to share my truth in a way that helps others without um shaming those characters yeah um that’s a true look i think that maybe

(06:49) if i start out my story by saying that um you know all of these people who hurt me were were hurting and that they are already forgiven um and that they are not all but most of them are completely different people now that would never inflict this pain on another now um but yeah my story starts um out very dark um my birth dad was a drug addict and abused my mom i feel like every time he was around it’s at least all of my memories um i have very few memories where he took me outside and we played or where he got home from work and i was

(07:32) excited to see him but um that just goes to show that a child that is being traumatized still lives in the now and just because they’re happy to see their parents doesn’t mean that they’re not being abused um he almost killed my mom multiple times in front of me i remember being in the bathtub and him trying to drown her in the toilet while i was right there in the tub and he was telling me to tell her goodbye and um i was begging him not to and then um i remember another time that he we were hiding from him

(08:06) and i was crying because i was scared because i knew he was trying to bang our door down and my mom since we were hiding put a pillow over my face to try to keep me quiet and so not only was i trying to hide from this man that i was terrified from but i also couldn’t breathe because i was being suffocated basically by this pillow and all she was trying to do was more keep us safe but um when he finally got the door down um we were hiding and he pulled her out from her hair and then um down the stairs and he was

(08:37) spitting on her and um i remember just sitting there and watching and having no emotional reaction at all i didn’t feel anything i didn’t feel fear i didn’t feel sadness and i was only about three years old and that’s the first time that i remember disassociating from my surroundings and after that i remember that happening a lot when he one time was chasing my mom i jumped off of a third story patio and i remember disassociating i remember not feeling fear or sadness and um just wanting to get away from him

(09:14) um what happened there when you jumped off this patio what what drove you to do that in the first place what was the idea there i thought i could fly away from him i think um because i was obsessed with a movie about a boy that could fly he was like my imaginary friend um and i think i just wanted to fly away from my life like that boy did because that’s kind of what he does in the movie but um that was around four my birth dad starts going to jail at five which is when my sister’s born and i remember him um beating my mom when she was pregnant

(09:53) with my sister so bad that my mom um started crawling like a like a child and and reverted back to her toddler years and was crying for her mom as if she was a toddler and i remember seeing that and it i think about now how when we’re in our mother’s womb that’s like our first idea of the world and so our mother is like the window to the world for us when we’re in the womb and and how when i was in my mom’s stomach that she wasn’t really around my dad she wasn’t really dating him but

(10:24) when she was pregnant with my sister he was around and he was very abusive and it was a very traumatic time and i think about how me and my sister dealt with things so differently um and how you sometimes you think like well these two people grew up in the same home and they went down such different paths sometimes i think it goes back even to like what happened in the womb you know and how different emotions were carried at that time um but he started going to jail when i was five and that’s around the time

(10:58) that my mom started to become abusive and um it was a really unstable upbringing from then on out i went to 18 different schools and never really felt like i was belonging anywhere um and when i was nine my birthday got out of jail and i remember i’m taking me and my sister to toys r us and saying that he had this like chips that said he was had been sober for all this time and that he wasn’t gonna smoke cigarettes anymore i’m super allergic he wasn’t gonna smoke cigarettes anymore and that he had changed and he was gonna

(11:38) be our dad and took us to toys r us got his toys and then we went to like this buffet like shony’s or something and he had disappeared for like it had been a while and so i got up i was like nine years old i got up and like started looking around for him and found him in the smoking section smoking a cigarette and i remember just thinking feeling like really betrayed and then um that was the last time i saw him for years he went back to jail so um so uh the next time i saw him i’m 12 and at this time i’d already been

(12:08) molested by two different older cousins and my mom is really physically and verbally abusive and i’m just really confused on who on my identity as a whole because i don’t feel worthy at home um [Music] i’m confused about what happened sexually um when the i’ve talked about before that when that was first came out that the first person who found out said um i bet you liked it i bet you liked his fingers in you and so there was this instant from then on out i didn’t feel um even into my 20s like i was allowed to

(12:47) feel pleasure and then if once i did allow myself to feel pleasure if the man felt it and i didn’t i felt used for my body so that went in that direction but there was so much confusion on who i was at 12 years old and who whether or not i was lovable whether or not i was worthy i was already suicidal i’d already tried to kill myself at least a dozen times and um there was a time that um [Music] but my mom got really really violent in very um scary ways and uh there were times that i just felt safer outside

(13:26) in the middle of the night than i did at home and so when my birthday got out at 12 and this time he really did seem changed um and i had told him what was going on he said that he was going to figure out um me living with him and that he was gonna do it right this time basically and i think i saw him for like two weekends and ironic or i don’t know if ironically is the right word but we went to go see conair which is like a nicholas cage movie where he gets out of jail and reunites with his daughter and we both

(13:57) cried and it was a bonding experience and now that movie makes me gag um but um but the thought of that movie makes me gag and maybe that’s why i don’t like niklas cage but um he i think i saw him two weekends and then um i remember packing more stuff like hoping that i would go stay with him even though he still gave me this unsafe feeling and this feeling of instability um i at least thought that he wasn’t gonna hit me i think and i would be away from those cousins and he had been physically abusive to you at

(14:34) this up to this point or just your mother just to my mother but to the point where i thought it was always going to be me next um because of the look in his eyes when he would look at me while doing it to her yeah um and when he got out of that when when i um had more stuff packed and i had thought that that was going to be my next chapter um it was right before turning 13.

(15:03) um i remember being in my room with more stuff packed and my mom coming in and just saying he’s back in jail and i remember just thinking like that’s it i’m never ever ever trusting anyone again i am never gonna let someone make me feel like they can rescue me and um i it was that first feeling of like i will never need another person like i am going to figure this out on my own and i definitely am never going to need a man or a dad um i already are i already disliked women i had decided um but that was the first time that i really was vulnerable towards a man

(15:41) um and that was i remember feeling like i will never let him in again and that was when i stopped trusting because i was already like having little boyfriends at school and that was when i stopped trusting them that was when i stopped trusting friends um that was when i kind of even started lying about who i was at new schools um because i felt like it didn’t matter like truth didn’t matter and words didn’t hold any um value and then um that by 14 i started dating a 22 year old guy left home hitchhiked

(16:18) a few hours away greyhounded it from there and dropped out of school i started doing um [Music] miraculously i hadn’t lost my virginity yet and i wasn’t doing drugs but i um was dating much older men and i was working as a waitress from 7 a.m to 3 p.m homeschooling myself in the late afternoon and then throwing newspapers from about 2 a.m to 5 a.

(16:48) m at 14 15 years old um and right at my 16th birthday i said this is the most emptiest life i could have imagined i don’t have anyone that i feel really loves me and i don’t love anybody and i was even thinking about ways i could get pregnant because i just wanted to have some sense of family and have someone that i could love and um the baby meeting the baby like start my own family and and somehow start this love relationship and really love that child and that child be my my family because i didn’t feel like i had anybody

(17:22) um and um [Music] that was right at 16 and i was just i had already been rushed to the er a couple times that year from trying to kill myself and it was actually my 16th birthday this night that i’m um recalling but i was just crying and thinking like i live for nothing there’s no point and i’m ending up because neither my parents graduated high school i thought i’m just ending up like my parents and um is that the same strife you were having through like since you were 12 and starting to have suicidal thoughts and

(18:00) attempts was it the same just no one’s going to love me or what was the actual i think because i always say that depression is a lack of hope in the future and i think i just had zero hope for anything to change ever anything to get better yeah nothing ever got better and i think it was also the only thing i knew because my mom was very suicidal and i would hear her um talk like that and i um [Music] i mean i started trying to commit suicide at 10 years old i feel like most 10 year olds don’t know how or what that

(18:32) is but um i remember putting a bag over my head and trying to kill myself at 10 um and my mom’s boyfriend laughing at me and telling me that like the correct way to do it and that made me even more feel like like a phone yeah yeah and a fool like i couldn’t even do that right um and um i i was definitely finding my identity in boys liking me but i wasn’t giving myself to the boys i wasn’t losing my virginity i wasn’t saying i love you but i was i was finding my validation through them loving me your sexuality to some regard

(19:10) i was very developed already i had size deep breasts in middle school um and uh but that night my 16th birthday i remember crying and i had already kind of believed in god but been confused because we would go to church and then we would get beaten and we would go to church but then my birthday would go to church and say god change him but then he would go right back to drugs so i was really confused about what security god gave but i knew that in the scary times and that my birthday had kidnapped me once and i remember singing in the car

(19:49) in the back seat when he kidnapped me i remember singing jesus loves me and um feeling like just from that song feeling like okay it’s gonna be okay like jesus is gonna protect me something about that um and so when i was 16 and i was feeling all this depression and lack of hope and wanting to kill myself again i just cried out to whatever i thought that being was and that um that supreme being that thing that was bigger than me that was able to protect me and i just said if if you’ll just take this depression

(20:21) from me i promise you that i will do good with my life i promise you that i will help other people that feel this way um and i had been crying for hours and i i was in the back seat of a car i was um i had bought a car and i was i would sleep in the back sometimes and so um i was in the back seat the car just crying and i remember feeling like a vacuum just sucked everything out of me not to where i felt empty but to where i for once had silence like i for once didn’t have all of this ickiness and all of this

(20:56) um these other voices in my head telling me i wasn’t enough or that i wasn’t loved just nothing there in a peaceful way and that was enough to make me believe in a higher power um because it was such a strong feeling and so um that next day i took a greyhound bus back to san antonio so um because that was the only youth group that i really had ever felt um was authentic and so i took a greyhound bus back to san antonio and started going to a youth group there um i was sleeping at a restaurant in a smoking section i would order like a

(21:34) little cup of soup so that i could stay there i enrolled in the youth homeless association and they helped me finish school they enrolled me in night school summer school paid for my bus passes and my school supplies and my free lunches it got me free lunches and then i would go to this um little cafe called gems and um i would sit in the smoking section and i would read and do my homework and then i would kind of like crash there and the waiters knew me and um i worked at chuck e cheese and i was going to the bible study at

(22:07) that school and um the youth pastors of that youth group that i had taken around yeah greyhound bus down just to be a part of walked into chuck e cheese one time while i was working and i was like um hey i there’s this bible study at school that i’m a part of and we would love to have you guys speak and he was like okay cool just give me your phone number and i didn’t have a phone number to give him because i was homeless but i didn’t want to tell him that no one knew that i was homeless i had two outfits that i would alternate

(22:34) at school um and i would get made fun of her that but i don’t think people actually knew i was homeless i think they just thought that i was dirty and poor um and the and i was also living off of tortilla soup so i wasn’t i was kind of overweight um so i got made fun of a lot for that too um but the um the the youth pastor i didn’t want to tell him i was homeless and so i just said oh i um i don’t have a phone but if you can just show up thursday at 8 15 we’ll have you speak and that was all i said um that could

(23:08) have made him know that i was in a not so good situation but who knows by looking at me um and that next week he showed up and he said hey um god told me to take you home with us that you’re gonna live with us and i the restaurant’s name was jen’s and i was like oh no i live with my friend jim and um i i help out a lot there so i i can’t um i can’t do that because i was just untrusting when it also just sounded weird like god told you and so um i had said no and he was like listen i heard from god that you’re supposed to live

(23:45) with us and i had a vision that it happened so you’re going home with us tonight and um and so i did i went home with them and i i slept in a bed for the first time in so long and um and at this point where are your parents your dad’s in jail your mom is my birthday in jail my mom had probably just given up on any um yeah yeah um [Music] yeah i think that um she knew a lot of damage had been done i think that she wanted me to live at home but she also had so many demons she was facing herself and she didn’t

(24:27) know what to do with me she knew it might be better for you outside of home yeah i honestly believe she loved me but i think that she knew that a lot of damage had been done and that um we both needed a lot of help um and it was just a really sad situation um and so you move in with this pastor and he tell me what happens there yeah so it’s him and his wife and this isn’t like a foster situation you just are you over 18 at this point no i’m still 16. you’re 16.

(25:05) okay so but no one’s out looking for you or anything like that okay no i i pretty much took my own um i got a hardship license and enrolled in the youth homeless association i was pretty much my own guardian got it okay um that way i could enroll myself in night school and summer school but um and i never called them mom and dad and i remember it took me almost two years to say i love you to them to the pastor and his wife and i remember talking to my best friend marcus mcfly marcus was like the star football player

(25:35) that for some reason took me under his wing in this high school um and he was like the coolest guy and i was the least cool girl but him always looking out for me made people stop picking on me yeah it sounds like what’s the movie uh you know that she’s all that i want to remember yeah except it wasn’t a bet um and he’s still he’s still he’s still in my life um amazing and um and then i i remember his best friend was the like star quarterback and he took me to homecoming and i it really was like a

(26:10) seem like a prank but um uh like a movie yeah okay so now you’re with these this couple and you’re being essentially raised now by two people who are loving parents yeah they prayed with me every night they asked to see my report cards they asked how my school was they also lived on an air force base and had to drive like 45 minutes just to take me to school because they knew i’d gone to 18 schools they didn’t want to pull me out of another school i was a sophomore junior and they didn’t want to do that

(26:37) to me again so they would drive 45 home minutes just to keep me in the same school and i know that they met really really well and i know that they loved me and i know that they thought they were doing what god what was best for me and what what god asked them to do but they were so dogmatic in their religion um that i went from the extreme of not having any rules being able to do whatever i wanted at whatever hour to this i wasn’t even allowed to watch friends i wasn’t allowed to go i wasn’t allowed to have a

(27:10) crush on a boy um like i wasn’t allowed to really almost even have my own thoughts huh what religion were they practicing so they would say christian but it was something called the government of 12 where you there’s a wikipedia if you want to look it up but you you basically are christ one of his 12 disciples you go out and make 12 disciples they go out and make 12 disciples and then they go out and make 12 disciples and that’s how you clear the world to the government of christianity to some degree exactly and

(27:42) that’s how you build your church and the kingdom of god okay so it’s this i mean i’m there i don’t like using the word disabled because i think it’s all cults but um you know where everything we do is cold so magic our magic moppers are our cult you know what i’m saying yeah but so we would say that this is a cult that the it felt like a cult government of 12.

(28:05) it felt like a cult um but i really think they were coming from love um but um yeah i was their twelve the site i was one of their twelve disciples and it was very very much everything was around me finding more of the twelve um and i wasn’t i really wasn’t allowed to like think for myself i was um i had become just who they wanted me to be but at the same time they had taken literally taken me off the streets right and so anything that they told me i was like they want what’s best for me they have my best interests at heart they gave me

(28:41) my first own room you know yeah well you’re trying to parent yourself as a young child for all these years then somebody comes in and tries to give you structure and you’re like this is what i’ve been wanting so i’m gonna try it exactly it was all that i wanted um even though i didn’t feel like they were a mom and dad they were the first loving couple um and that you’d witnessed that first type of connection two people that were really freaking hard on me and it almost was it almost diminished my self-esteem as

(29:12) much as everything else because i didn’t feel good enough there either um and that came with my own projections but i was never good enough for god’s love and i was never good enough for their love because everything was fear-based and shame-based in this religion and um we were terrified of hell we’re terrified of going to hell and we were terrified of missing the mark you know of of what we were supposed to hit and face off the bible and um [Music] it was a punishment i was always in trouble for i was always in trouble because

(29:44) there were so many rules and even though so um when i was 17 there was this man that was a golden-hearted man and um did nothing wrong by me but i didn’t choose him um they said we’ve prayed about it and we feel this is the man god has for you i had had previous crushes before on men and they had said that’s not your husband so you’re not allowed to date them um which whatever you know but um but when they said this about this man um i was i was around 17 and a half almost 18 and um they were like we’re gonna

(30:24) pray about this for about seven months and then we’ll we’ll go on your first date literally we’ll go on your first date thank goodness and so um right about when i turned 19 um me and him and the two youth pastors went on a date and basically said you can hold hands in a month you can see each other once a week in public settings um and you can kiss at your wedding altar and ideally a year and a half basically um and so so you had an arranged marriage situation happening so people in this group still don’t think that’s arranged

(31:08) and i think it’s because i could have probably i could have said no they wouldn’t have liked it but i was not forced into this they said this is what god wanted or this is who what they felt god showed them and so to me no doubt about it like i want what god wants i want what these people want and this man holy hell he’ll never yell at me he’ll never cuss at me like he was a moralized man and this was like something i never thought i’d be able to have based off of all the men i had seen and

(31:42) i remember because he was already in college and i remember this girl telling me your boyfriend’s so cute as soon as he got in my car to work on my project he he said i just want to tell you that i am a committed man and so it’s like when she told me that i was like i’ve struck gold he was not out to hurt you in any way but he so he’s part of this this uh the what is it government of twelve hardcore puerto ricans so he’s never his family’s never had a divorce you know like they’re very loyal and um

(32:13) he he really did treat me really good um i remember in the beginning he tried really hard i had like 12 bouquets in my room at all times he was like tried really hard to be sweet and romantic but um our foundation was the fact that like it was what we were told god wanted and all of our dates revolved around like studying the bible and like going we would go to the mall and try to convince people to pray with us that’s what we would do on our dates and so it’s like we were really good at the bible stuff what was the sex like and i

(32:50) just no we didn’t have sex and so well okay so until marriage right so that’s the thing right so so by the time i marry this yes so now you do marry this man so i married so yeah about a year and a half later we get married you’re 18 19. i’m just shy of 21. okay um a year and a half later we get married and um we had purged ourselves of all sexual desires and all fantasies because we didn’t want to slip we didn’t want to mess up yeah and it’s not an eternal no and also it was like our whole

(33:26) foundation was that we were a mighty team for god and like we just didn’t want to be separated by the devil because we were on a mission to you know further the kingdom of god right and um which sounded really beautiful at the time but we you know had we not been placed together we may have built a solid foundation and had a connection but we didn’t build a foundation of connection right and we also had never been alone before and so um on our wedding night it was really it felt really passionless and loveless and there was no connection and

(34:06) i just thought [ __ ] this is what i’ve been waiting for like this is what we’re still not having sex up to this point um not besides um assault which i feel doesn’t count which i felt didn’t count you didn’t have any positive sexual experiences i didn’t have sex on my choosing up until this point so in my eyes i felt like a virgin because that had been robbed for me so um so we go on our honeymoon it’s 11 days we don’t have yeah we don’t really have sex i think maybe like two times um and

(34:39) i remember being on my honeymoon and seeing an asian little girl with an older with a white couple and saying because i had always wanted to adopt and at this point i was like i didn’t want any of my own kids i wanted to adopt all these kids because i was i knew what it was like to be unwanted and this was a huge goal of mine and on our honeymoon i said oh man i can’t wait till we can adopt one day and he was like we’re not adopting and that was when it hit me like oh my god this man doesn’t

(35:06) even know the deepest desires of my heart my heart he just knows what i want to do at church basically and so it hit me then um but yeah in that first year of marriage i wouldn’t say we even had sex once a month and i remember um putting on lingerie and trying to do a little dance and um him saying that he had homework and to stop and i you know all those years of feeling unworthy and then the first time that i’m like giving myself to a man and like putting on a presentation and him turning me down no shaming you for it in

(35:44) a sense because of it made me feel cheap yeah and um i kept trying and trying and trying and um i remember a year and a half into marriage saying because we had we never went on dates he never did anything romantic there were there wasn’t we didn’t have text messages back then this is 15 years ago so we didn’t have text messages so it’s not like today where like i can still talk to him if he’s busy we would go days without speaking at all and we didn’t celebrate valentine’s day i mean

(36:17) we just it was not we were just roommates who were just trying to get through college there was the other thing the church didn’t they told me i couldn’t go to college because it would take away from the time of building the kingdom of god because i was a woman and i needed to let the man do that well then when i married him he became my authority instead of them and he really wanted me to go to college so college became my life um okay and so we were just so focused on college nothing else and i remember a

(36:44) year and a half in saying um so i started college so this is where the bubble pops right because then i’m meeting other girls that like they’re telling you their lives yeah yeah and like what type of sex they’re having and like i’m trying to get them to go to church and they’re telling me why they don’t want to go and like it’s just opening up my mind to all these other perspectives and i just thought [ __ ] i have not thought for myself in so long i have not felt my own feelings in so long and it

(37:10) started to scare me and as cheesy as it sounds the bubble really popped when i went and saw the notebook because i was like oh my god does this exist and i remember telling him i had i remember telling my husband which sounds so weird to say because it sounds like another life i i never today i never feel like i’ve had a husband but right i told him i want what i saw in the notebook i want passion and i want to feel wild and i want to feel like i have a whole world ahead of me and i i don’t like this routine i don’t like

(37:46) absorbing myself in school i don’t even like my major and i want to change the world i want to go i want to i want to go do things you know and travel and he just basically said i was living in a fantasy world and that like basically like romantic marriages didn’t really exist it’s more of just like a partnership and so i said um in the next six weeks will you just do one romantic thing for me or take me on one romantic date and i gave it eight weeks didn’t he didn’t do it and i remember and this isn’t to shame him because he

(38:16) was a very good man and he would have never intentionally hurt me but i remember his birthday came up and i took him to a hotel room that i like covered in rose petals and i had this like super sexy laundry on under my jacket and i took it off and like played this romantic um keith urban song and he was like he got mad he was like and he wasn’t mean to me intentionally but he was like you know i have homework i like i can’t do this and he’s like did you even bring my school stuff and i’m standing there

(38:48) in lingerie like in this room that i rented when i’ve done this at this time i never had more than like 20 to my name and i was like oh i can go back and get your backpack and he went back and got his backpack and he didn’t come back until like long after i was asleep so that was like when i really realized how much i was missing out on right so i left yourself i left the marriage and um he was a good man and i loved his father and his aunt a lot and i felt like i lost one of the first feelings of family

(39:18) that i had ever had um but thank god that i did because um i saw the whole world you know and i yeah we’re talking from there um from there firstly i want to ask you if now that you’ve had so much time to have you know hindsight and get some clarity on what did happen there and who he was as a person and all the things that went down at that time in your life do you have any kind of clarification as far as where his mind was at and like what he said he was dealing with in that moment i think he had some depression i

(39:56) don’t think he really knew who he was we were young and i remember meeting him to sign the divorce papers and i was i was so sad for both of us and i was so scared and at the time i was dating a man that was beating me black and blue because i ran into the arms of the exact opposite this man didn’t pay any attention to me didn’t even know if he wanted to be with me and i ran into the arms of a man who was so obsessed with me that i couldn’t go to the gym by myself he would sit outside in the car um i

(40:33) he had to like know my every move and he would i mean he literally would put um you know bruises all over my face and um i remember going to meet my ex-husband to sign the divorce papers without being able to tell him the situation i was in but just feeling like oh god i don’t know if i made the right decision this was so much safer right um but i knew i had hurt him and he definitely wanted to sign the papers at this point and i hurt him because i left and um he was ashamed wouldn’t even go around his family

(41:10) because he was so embarrassed of his divorce and so i remember signing the papers and and not showing any emotion and he said you know we only we only got into this because someone told us it was what god wanted um we didn’t do anything wrong and i think he was trying to make me feel better um and i said something along the lines of that as well and he said like i i said almost verbatim the same thing in different words and he just said that’s one of the smartest things you’ve ever said and when he said that

(41:43) again i felt like cheap and unworthy because like did you not listen to anything that ever came out of my mouth or did i just not talk to you or like why is that the smartest thing i don’t know just felt not seen and hurt at all yeah but my biggest lesson there is because i ran straight from his her arms i mean straight like a monkey holding on from one branch to another branch did not i ran straight into another man’s arms i never allowed myself to grieve that divorce or grieve the loss of that family or grieve

(42:13) the fact that like that that family that took me off the streets i was exiled from that church like exiled i was on the path of sin nobody was allowed to talk to me basically and so i lost all of this and i up and went to austin with like barely anything and um so you know austin straight out of this divorce i wanted to go to la um something that also had really woken me up is i saw a dvd that said invisible children on it and at the time we used to listen to cds you know and so i thought that it was like a metal band and i popped it into

(42:48) the pastor’s laptop and it was this documentary about these child soldiers who were forced to fight in war in uganda and it blew my mind that this goes on in the world and i thought holy hell there are children going through this and we’re here in san antonio just trying to get people to pray with us like there are much bigger things that need to be done and i thought my life was hard look at like what’s going on and i remember telling the youth pastor can i please set up a booth to help raise money for these kids um

(43:16) and he basically it was like no like i wasn’t allowed to do anything outside of the government at 12. and so i got really mad and i i just thought like this is not christianity like god’s work is taking care of these kids that need it and so i got really involved in invisible children and that’s why i went to austin um i went to austin um because that’s where the one of the guys um was from and um he was doing like a coffee talk and so i went to austin not really sure one of the guys of invisible children hosting invisible

(43:52) children okay and he kind of just his story of like he just got on a plane and went to uganda and i just thought i’m going to do that too i’m going to get on a plane and i’m going to go to uganda and i’m going to like i’m going to figure out how to help these kids and so maybe just give us a real quick rundown on what invisible children is what the organization does so it’s a non-profit that does music and art therapy with ex-child soldiers and gets them in rehab emotional um you know recovery and gets

(44:19) them back in school and gets them to where they are able to be around their families again because these children have been forced to literally kill people fight in a war at like 10 12 years old and um rape rape their sisters like really god-awful things and um i kind of absorbed myself in that in a way of like ignoring my own pain and so i was absorbed in invisible children and then this man that was abusing me and i never let myself feel the divorce or the loss of this life that i had and that was my biggest lesson there because

(44:53) a year later after i finally i ended up staying in a battered woman shelter for a weekend to get rid of that guy and um had to have a lot of girlfriends help i finally got rid of him and a year later i remember washing my dishes and i was washing a fork and it just hit me like i used to eat with my ex-husband with this fork it sounds so silly but like it just hit me that like wait what just happened like did i did i have a divorce did i just date an abusive man like did i just leave san antonio and lose what i thought was my

(45:26) forever and i fell to the floor and sobbed and i hadn’t prayed since i left that place because i i had a bad taste in my mouth and i fell on the floor and i stopped and i was in my pajamas and i just got up and walked to the nearest church um and i and i kind of entered back into my faith journey there but um and i know 22 23 um and i am also saving to go to uganda so i go to uganda that year um which changed my life forever but my whole goal in austin was i wanted to become an actress and build this platform to speak to

(46:09) young girls that had also been told that they were never going to become anything that also were living on the streets that also were being abused and tell them that they can become something because i had become this actress that like had a good life and now i can tell you that you can too and um i just for some reason that was what i thought of as a platform was being famous and so i was like 22 and just thinking like i need to get famous so i can have a platform and reach people that that need to be told they can become something

(46:34) right and and then i can give all the money to uganda and so i was like double you know was like knock out two birds with one stone and so i was in austin cheerleader on friday night lights saving money to move to la and i get the job with bellator and that was the first time that i could afford moving to la so that’s that’s when i um ended up going to la and pursued that for a couple of years and then here we are yeah person yeah pursued you pursued acting and you were working for bellator so you had some steady

(47:09) income coming in i had already um also reunited with my mother around 21. it was like a week before my wedding around or like a couple weeks before my wedding i reunited with my mom um and became friends with her also so she was back in my life so you’re mending that relationship and now you had a new job moving to a new place again you and for those listening who don’t know bellator mma is the mixed martial arts organization that’s where jade and i met as co-ring girls yes um which would have never have guessed

(47:48) i know um okay so there you are and you and i know also at some time around this point you’ve gone to you go to brazil to do some sort of workshop and yeah i i wasn’t sure so right before i got hired with bellator i wasn’t sure what i was going to do with my life and saving up for l.

(48:09) a didn’t seem to be working out and so i signed up for a yoga teacher training in brazil for six weeks where it was mostly in like silence and meditation and i just thought like well i guess i’ll be a yoga teacher and maybe like that’s another way i can heal people and i went and i’m not a yoga teacher [Laughter] i tried and like half the room did one thing and half the room did the other thing i don’t know what i said so like let’s work on communication instead apparently we have a blip here but luckily i got hired by bellator like

(48:44) literally the week that i left to brazil to do that so okay so when when you’re out there tell me how that story out in brazil ends up you meeting tom shadyac later and kind of circling into you having children it’s a whole it’s a whole thing so yeah this is actually a really current story for me right now because of of viva which i’ll explain but um yeah so i’m in brazil i had just gone through a breakup of a really toxic relationship um and it’s the abusive guy no luckily that was short-lived okay

(49:22) that was the year yeah this was the guy that you met um the first toad okay one of those um yeah very toxic very codependent and um going through that breakup one of those relationships that you just keep going back to and you have no idea why um but it’s because you’re trying to heal those parts of you so i’m in retail yeah um and so i go to brazil and i’m in silence and meditation with all of my thoughts and all of my feelings and all of this stuff that i’ve not ever worked on i’m only 2

(49:57) like 24. and there’s a bunch of stuff that needs to be healed that before not to say that god doesn’t heal us but it was more of a band-aid because we can’t just say i’m healed god i believe in god i’m a christian so i’m healed that none of my childhood trauma had been healed none of it i had maybe experienced forgiveness but um i still had a lot of pain and so here i am in brazil with all of my thoughts and all of my feelings and in silence yeah and a place where i don’t feel like i fit in at all because it was like people

(50:33) who you know when you’re like around people who are so enlightened that like what’s the word you say it for me well they just woke but they’re still sleeping but are you yeah are you if you’re treating me like i’m not okay you know um and uh i remember um just feeling like i didn’t fit in there and um you know all of my childhood stuff is coming up because i’m alone with my thoughts and on friday nights we could watch documentaries and talk about them and usually someone from the documentary would be

(51:11) there to speak to us about it and we watched this movie happy and it was about being happy and why we typically are not and i remember it making sense all of a sudden why i wasn’t happy and what i needed to attain happiness and um which was a lot of simplicity and and living for others and um really what was at the core of what i had been desiring for a while but um the shaman there or guru whatever was like yeah the the maker of this was supposed to be here but his daughter was born this week um they named her aviva and i thought

(51:49) i’m going to name my daughter viva to remember to never ever forget what i’m feeling tonight because this is like my first glimpse of hope in so long seeing this film and the message in this film um live live viva means live and i so often didn’t want to live so it was also a reminder to live right because i i didn’t want to live for so long and then i almost missed out on right on things like this you know and so a flash forward to when i get hired from bellator have money to move to la i didn’t know anyone in l.a

(52:23) and a bad date took me to meet tom shadyac because he um he needed to go speak to him about something this is one of the worst dates ever okay but he took me i can’t stress it enough um but he took me to tom’s house and i had i had seen tom speak at an invisible children i i went to dc to um petition at the white house to have joseph coney arrested who was the guy who was kidnapping all these children so this is so full circle because i went not knowing anyone not having any money to just to petition hoping that these

(53:00) children that i didn’t even know would be rescued and hoping to also find connection because i was hoping i would meet people that were like-minded i didn’t meet anybody but i saw tom speak and i remember just feeling like that man has something that i want i’d never seen what i saw on him before and then years later uh this guy takes me to his house and i’m like so absolutely [ __ ] the bad date guy takes you to tom’s house right yeah and i’m like tom i heard you speak like a couple years ago

(53:32) in at the white house and he was like oh you know tommy’s just like yeah like put it here you know and i’m like no but you don’t understand you’ve changed my life and then um you know he he the thing that drew him to me and we said it in his episode is that i kept taking out a notepad and writing down things he was saying and he was like you’re you’re a seeker you wouldn’t be writing down things i was saying you have a desire to learn and to grow and it’s it’s stronger than i’ve seen in

(53:59) most people and so he was drawn to me in that way we were both going through breakups and so we were drawn to each other well this was in october we end up spending thanksgiving together um we go to courtney cox’s and we had spent all day serving the homeless and i just thought on both sides like man both of these the homeless and then these rich celebrities everybody just wants to be happy you can see it in their eyes and then we spend christmas and new years together and on new year’s we’re on the malibu beach there’s a

(54:28) bonfire there’s all these people that i admire from film around and this little girl starts pulling on my pants like these thailand pants that come down very easily and she starts pulling on them and um this woman says viva don’t do that you’re gonna pull her pants down and i was like and i just remember right before this i remember thinking i am so glad i lived to this day like i feel so good everybody’s sober and they’re talking about things that matter and these are people that i want to be

(54:54) like and i’m excited for life like i felt genuinely excited for life and then this little girl’s pulling on my pants interrupting that thought and the woman calls her viva and i’m like oh my god i’m gonna name my daughter viva and i was just feeling what i felt the last time i heard that name it was while i was watching this documentary called happy and she’s like yeah that’s my film and so up until this point i didn’t even know that tom shadyac had produced the film wow so there’s like so many full

(55:20) circles there so it was just like i was like no doubt about it yeah my daughter viva and uh well there’s no doubt about the message anyway the message there to to live to live and then um yeah so now my daughter’s name is jaya because her dad didn’t like the name viva but in the last year during plant medicine ceremonies i keep seeing viva i’m 30 34 and i’m very tired i don’t want more kids but viva keeps showing up in my ceremonies and even in my dreams and saying i’m coming whether you like it or not

(55:56) you know you have the sole agreement with me you already know me like you’ve already named me you already knew that i had this plan like you may have thought that it was going to be jaya but i’m still i am still this this soul that you’re supposed to bring in and you’re meant to be my mother because i have a very high calling on my life and you being my mother is going to help activate that and so she keeps saying like you know i’m coming right like sorry like and i keep saying like i’m

(56:22) tired can you reroute give me a minute reroute um so that’s interesting and it’s also interesting because jaya my daughter the other day she was like when is my sister coming i miss her and i was like who are you talking about like are you having dreams yeah um but yeah so viva is still a theme which is really weird very interesting so okay so here we are we’ve gone through most of your life and then i’d say the last you know uh third or less really is you having children and getting into your mother archetype

(57:05) and so just i mean these two babies soul marie cook and same as me yeah i wanted to say marie but i knew that was right um how did you after all the the traumas and hardships you went through as a young child and knowing that other children you know are out there because of the work you didn’t did in uganda and with invisible children and knowing you wanted to adopt and all these things that laid this this idea for you along your lifetime of it being really difficult for kids to um just make it you know make it out alive

(57:55) of of childhood even um how did you decide to have children how did that it was kind of decided for me um i didn’t plan it i would have wanted to stay with bellator to this day um and pursue film but i didn’t and a lot of my friends wanted me to have an abortion when i got pregnant with seoul um i didn’t plan it i was already not wanting to be in the relationship that i was in um i already knew that it wasn’t healthy um but when i got pregnant with him i could feel his soul in me like i could feel

(58:36) that this was like an ex like a being that like had a calling and when my friends wanted me to um abort him i just knew that it wasn’t for me and i knew that my life was about to drastically change and i was terrified because i was never modeled the mother that i wanted to be so i didn’t even know if it was possible i was terrified of um becoming a single mother because i feel like the stress of being a single mother is partly what made my mother who she was towards me um i was terrified because i knew that the

(59:09) man um it wasn’t a we weren’t in a good place and we didn’t we were not wanting to be together at the time so i was terrified and it was a very traumatic pregnancy but i knew that i was supposed to go through with it and we were breaking up regularly we broke up the day we took him home from the hospital um and about three months later i met natasha wicks um who was a ufc ring girl who also just had a son and i was telling her my situation and she was like you got to do plant medicine it’ll it’ll change your life

(59:50) it’ll it’ll raise your consciousness it could even save your relationship with your son’s dad we weren’t even together at the time and she told me about how her husband and her had almost broken up because he wouldn’t stop drinking and how when he did a ceremony he’d never drink again because he saw who he became when he drank from her perspective and i thought we got to get there we got to take that like that’s the only way this kid’s gonna have a good life is if we get this fixed because i was terrified of being a

(1:00:17) single mother and i knew that he was um had some unhealthy things and i wanted i wanted us both to be healed i also once i had him had a lot of triggers come up around motherhood i um [Music] a lot of things i thought i forgave my mom for came up and i was mad at my mom all of a sudden because i was looking at my son thinking i could never do those things for you and i could never say those things to you and i i mean i get really mad and i’m not my best self sometimes um and even then i get mad because i think

(1:00:55) i didn’t i wasn’t taught and it’s not like a victim mentality as much as it is it’s like um i need to heal this like i need to get rid of this trigger um that’s something i’m still actively working on i i was wanting to do ceremony last month around it but um didn’t feel called after all but um so that’s how i found plant medicine ceremony is wanting to try to save that relationship so that i wouldn’t be a single mother because that was a big fear of mine it didn’t save the relationship

(1:01:26) um it did for one week it sounds like what it did though is put you on the journey that you’re on now with plant medicine which was the only way i was able to leave the relationship right so get so and you’ve been really open about how um you’re exploring plant medicines and you’ve been doing that now for a few years um and like you’re saying you’ve had tons of personal transformations through using plant medicines and uh it’s been like a critical tool for your own growth so maybe you can get into what your

(1:02:03) this is one of the questions that people ask the most for you when i asked them like they really wanted to know your journey into plant medicine so you kind of explained how you got there um but yeah definitely wasn’t for me in the beginning which is interesting because my first ceremony i didn’t have an experience because i was there for him oh okay he had one didn’t didn’t change anything but um yeah i didn’t even have one because i wasn’t there for me i was out trying to save him your first time doing ayahuasca you

(1:02:32) didn’t have anything come up for you no but your uh significant other did and it helped for momentary and then faded for for a few weeks and that’s how i got pregnant with my daughter as there was that glimpse of hope and it’s even then it wasn’t intentional but it at least made the sex happen you know um and then how did you decide to go back so i didn’t for a while because i was pregnant um but i knew um after because i had done so much research in order to do it that first time i had heard so many success stories

(1:03:10) about healing and about anxiety and depression and my anxiety and depression was really bad and i just wanted to be the best mother that i could be by healing my childhood trauma and my wounds and not to say that you can’t use books in therapy but what i was seeing in plant medicine in other people’s life was like years of therapy in one night and there was something that just i felt really called to it i felt like mother ayahuasca was my mother and i felt like grandfather huachuma was my grandfather like imparting wisdom to me

(1:03:44) and even though i didn’t have an experience that first time there was something that made me feel like this is a gonna be a big part of my life and a big part of my healing and um so as soon as i had jaya i started getting ready for that for the next available ceremony and um through aubrey marcus i found somebody in in austin who has become a huge um a huge healing tool in my life as well but the medicine has changed my life more than i mean not more than my relationship with you and tom it’s not more it’s just

(1:04:19) different because it changes my brain it’s like muscle memory like you and tom can tell me something over and over and over until you’re blue in the face but when i experience it in a journey and i it’s not like it’s still not a snap of the fingers but it’s like muscle memory and then it’s like it works together with what you and tom are putting in my life you know what i mean so for someone listening who wants to just kind of know what because we’re talking about ayahuasca and watchuma in this specific circumstance

(1:04:48) but you also use psilocybin mushrooms so tell me what you feel like those do for a person if you can define something like that if you can define let’s start with ayahuasca for you since that’s where you have a lot of experience how would you describe the the the way or the method that ayahuasca this medicine comes into people’s bodies and transforms them so you always have an intention and my intention for years was always around my relationship and then finally when it ended most like mostly because of ayahuasca um

(1:05:25) now this year i’ve been able to focus on myself and who i actually want to be and not so much dealing with the trauma that’s being pulled out in the relationship but um you always go in with an intention you spend a lot of time in meditation and in dietary preparation as a way of holding it sacred and preparing your body and then you go in you you drink the tea and i always have a lot of fear at first and anxiety because that’s what it wants to work on with me it’s almost like i’m purging that

(1:06:03) because i have that and then i go through this weird emotion and then all of a sudden i’m like oh the medicine’s already been kicked in and i’m already working on this fear and anxiety that i was feeling that i thought was about drinking this cup um [Music] but i mean [Music] since taking it i’ve had like 17 ceremonies now um i feel like it’s unlocked an area in my brain that was not previously unlocked like it’s like this area of logic and this area of worthiness um [Music] and it also so i’m trying to think of an

(1:06:39) example like there are messages that she gave me that i had in my life over and over and over and over and over again that i could not um see for myself like i could be i was with a man who was calling me awful names and who once said you’re an idiot because you stay with someone who’s calling you an idiot things like that and it just wouldn’t phase me and then i was in um went to ceremony one time and and the medicine had told me at my previous ceremony you need to come back here november 23rd with your partner because the healing i

(1:07:13) want to have to do on you needs to take place in the same space as the healing i’m going to do on him so i had my hopes up thinking like because almost everything that ayah has told me has come true so i had my hopes up um the partner wouldn’t come and so i’m there and um i’m crying and i’m so sad and i go up to the shaman for healing and his wife is next to him doing a healing on another girl and she’s purging comes in different ways some people throw up i never have i often cry this girl was laughing as her purging

(1:07:44) for healing but in my journey that’s a bride and groom and she’s at her wedding altar laughing with joy because she’s so happy to get married and i’m weeping and i’m just like i’m just saying i am so tired of crying i i’ve cried for years and i’ve done all the damn work i have tried everything in this relationship i’ve healed so much i’ve done so much self work i’ve i like when is it my turn to laugh i don’t remember laughing like that girl i don’t remember the last time i did that like

(1:08:17) when is it going to be my turn to laugh and i was mad at mother ayahuasca i was like why did you tell me he was gonna be here and that you were gonna heal us like why did you tell me that that was gonna happen and she said i needed you to see that he does not show up for you he doesn’t show up for you in life he doesn’t show up for you in the relationship he didn’t show up for you tonight i needed you to feel that on the medicine because it’s the only way you’re really going to like understand the muscle memory yeah so

(1:08:43) it’s different it’s like all those things could happen not on the medicine and it’s like it wasn’t phasing me but when it happened on the medicine it was so full force that i was like oh my god it’s not my partner the city’s not my partner and it’s i’m forcing it and that’s why it’s not working for anyone um [Music] and so that’s like kind of an example of how it’s different on the medicine versus you know a message that’s right in front of your face every day and you’re not seeing it yeah the

(1:09:14) way i relate to that is through my dreams which you know i have very extremely vivid dreams which a lot of times i can’t tell the difference between real waking life and my dream life so i have experiences in a sense similar to what you’re saying you know where i go through a situation and um as an example just of how vivid the dreams are in every relationship i’ve ever had i’ve dreamt numerous times um that my partner cheated on me or i cheated on my partner almost always it was me cheating on my

(1:09:53) partner i think only once it was them cheating on me but i would cheat on my partner and i would go through all the the courting the the the um of course the sexual acts then the shame of me doing something you know hurtful to a partner and then them finding out one way or another and then my morning the loss of that partner because of the thing i did and so like having that experience as if it’s reality made me not want to do that in real life you know yeah so that’s how i’m relating it when you talk about ayahuasca i’m i’m

(1:10:29) thinking that in a sense i’ve never done the medicine myself but well the difference to me is like in your dream because i’ve had a dream that even with someone that i’m dating now who i think is so perfect i still have these dreams i’ve had them with every partner that i see them cheat on me right in front of me and it’s this feeling of betrayal of like you’re not who i thought you were and i think i always think that dream means i’m some in some way cheating myself or i still need to heal that betrayal of my

(1:10:58) father was not who he told me he was and um so the difference i think with ayah and with dreams is that like it’s it’s literal with ayah it’s not you’re not looking for the meaning in the dream and i it’s like a double-edged sword this is the message don’t come back here until you deal with it yeah come back here until you do this speak some direct messages and misconstrue yeah and i had this i’ve had multiple reoccurring dreams i’ve had this dream when i was three or four that someone was trying to kidnap me and i

(1:11:33) tried to call my dad on a pay phone and he wouldn’t answer the phone but i could see that he was doing drugs on a floor he was i had seen him many times covered in his vomit so in the stream i saw him not answering the phone next to him covered in vomit and thinking now i’m going to be kidnapped because my dad’s not going to keep me safe and growing up with every single partner i’ve had every single partner i’ve had i’ve had dreams where someone was trying to rape me and i was calling them and they wouldn’t

(1:12:00) answer the phone or they were in the room and they wouldn’t lock the door and so there’s this fear of maybe that once i really need someone to be there for me that they’re not gonna be there or i’m still uncovering it but i had that dream two nights ago been having it for 30 years and i feel like we just have that dream until it’s completely healed i don’t know yeah it’s definitely something to talk to eric gottsie about i know tell him you need to do a dream episode answer your phone

(1:12:27) [Laughter] um so what are your what are your maybe best and worst experiences the worst ones that have been most instrumental in your healing on any plant medicines it doesn’t have to be iowa there’s no question dustin worse um they instantly pop out to me so um the worst was the night that i um i don’t know some people don’t believe in past lives um but i went back to a past life and i was a um child sex slave and a boy one and it was the worst thing i’ve ever experienced in my life and i didn’t do

(1:13:09) plant medicine for six months after which doesn’t sound that long but i mean that was i couldn’t be alone after that in a room by myself for probably a week i couldn’t go to the grocery store i couldn’t be around people and i don’t like sharing that story um in a way that like scares people away from the medicine because in 18 ceremonies that’s the only dark one but i still had a shaman there guiding me i still had a shower in there helping me and i still found i still somehow found the light in it because i

(1:13:45) have always been hyper sensitive to sex trafficking um stories and and like it’s always i’ve always had it on my mind so much like almost daily for years and i remember writing in my journal when i was 14 because i’ve kept all my journals when i was 14 i wrote in my journal you have air in your lungs a creative brain and you are not and you are not a sex slave so why are you not happy what a weird thing for a 14 year old girl to write and then i had statistics of sex trafficking on my fridge and it’s like

(1:14:16) who does that so i’ve always had all these like sex trafficking like been pulled towards it like it’s been in your mind for some reason or another and then i have that ceremony and afterwards i just thought you know i’ve always wanted to do something involving putting it to an end or helping ex you know victims but i just thought i can’t like it’s too scary and i’ll be too depressed and then after that ceremony i thought so what i’m gonna leave it to people who don’t think about

(1:14:46) it all the time who aren’t as passionate and i also um also it made me really um focused on doing um meditations sending love and light to all the victims and sending love and light to all the you know quote unquote bad characters predators oh yeah the predators um and so that’s where i turned that’s what i turned that message into but um it was very very hard i will say though that that was the only ceremony i’ve ever done where i was not mentally or spiritually prepared um i should not have been at that ceremony i

(1:15:26) my partner was screaming at me every single day that week awful awful things um it made it to where i didn’t want to meditate and prepare i didn’t want to journal i did the diet but half-hearted and i wasn’t in my right mindset but i still went because i’d already signed up and i had a friend going but i knew i knew that i wasn’t in my right mind and i used my partner verbally abusing me as an excuse um and then i went with all that darkness and it was a dark ceremony um [Music] so that was the darkest but i wouldn’t

(1:16:01) keep it from letting me do more because all the other ones were so transformative my best besides um before we move on to the best when you’re in a dark ceremony is there any ability to manipulate what’s happening no i it was the worst night of my life i kept going to the bathroom and putting water in my face to try to get the medicine to wear off and just thinking thank god for water this boy never had water this boy never got to wash his face um like i mean my body was in pain like i’d been used by these men and men kept

(1:16:38) coming in and it was i mean i had no way of stopping the medicine i had no way of but i i don’t know because other nights in journeys i’ve gone into a room where i’ve seen my birth dad crying and i’ve told the medicine i’m not ready to go here i’m not ready to be here tonight and she closed the door and we went another way and did you have a conversation with aya in this in this bad journey no i i just no i think that’s the other thing i was not in a place where i could have a conversation with aya i was in such a

(1:17:14) dark place that i all i was saying over and over was make it stop make it stop make it stop but it wasn’t even to aya it was me being that boy and him saying make it stop make it sound amazing right i mean it was even knowing that i may go through that again i’m still willing to do the medicine because of who it’s turned me into who it’s made me help me become um because it’s i’ve also transformed into my children and felt their feelings and then told me tell me what they really need to become who

(1:17:45) they’re meant to become and when you feel someone else’s feelings it really raises your empathy but it also helps you be able to be who they need you to be in their life you know and and how to love them and the way they need um and that’s the best thing i could do as a mother so it’s changed my mothering and my parenthood um being able to hear your kids thoughts and feel their feelings and then um [Music] i’d say though that one of the best is um just in the last couple months i um it was this time it was huachuma and

(1:18:21) mushrooms and together and there’s this river on the land and it had just rained and you know when it rains in the shallow parts of a river it looks kind of gross i mean also it was on mushrooms so um but like there was like algae and like moss and it just looked like not water you would want to swim in but for some reason that was the water i went and got in and i’m just standing in it and i’m just looking at the disgust of the and the filth of the water and i was just thinking like this is my junk

(1:18:52) this is my filth and the medicine but there’s this log to my left and on the other side of the log the water gets really deep and really wide and the sun’s shining over there because where i’m at it’s like a deer forest and it’s like there’s no sun because the trees are blocking it there’s like weeping willows like a bog yeah and and over there it’s like the sun’s shining and the birds are chirping and the butterflies are ecstatic and i look over there and i’m like huh like don’t know why i didn’t choose that

(1:19:23) but i’m in this filth and i’m like this is my gunk and you have to sit in there and i am looking at it and and the plant the grandfather of hachiman the mushrooms whatever my higher consciousness is what it really is says this is what you think you are this is what you think you have this is only 23 of you but you think it’s all of you and because you think it’s all of you this is all you’ve ever given to anyone you’ve ever loved you thought you were giving 100 but you were only giving 23

(1:19:56) because everyone that’s ever that you’ve ever given yourself to has spit in it has pissed in it has thrown their gunk in it and it looks like this [ __ ] water and you don’t want to swim in this you don’t want to drink this but you think it’s all you have and you kind of think that if you love me this is what you gotta be in with me you’re gonna have to understand me take me with all this [ __ ] yeah and the medicine was like this is just 23 there’s a 77 on the other side of that log and you’re about to remove that log

(1:20:29) because you’re about to um wash well you’re about to find the partner that doesn’t trigger all your childhood wounds but instead sees this gunk sees it knows your knows that it’s there loves you for it loves where you come from but because you’re giving him that 77 that’s never been touched um he gets to enjoy 100 of you and it’s going to be one of the most freeing things and and one of the most healing experiences because you’re not only giving 100 but you’re finally able to remove the

(1:21:05) log that you’ve had up your entire life because you were scared of that of every person spitting in your water and you’re you know pissing in the water whatever um but there’s finally gonna be this person that doesn’t um have all these triggers and it doesn’t abuse you in some way um and you’re gonna experience what’s on the other side of that river that you for some reason didn’t venture over to today you know and um so all while i’m experiencing this and i’m crying because i’m thinking

(1:21:35) oh and then jaya and soul are going to get to experience it and thinking all these things and generational curses are being broken well while i’m like crying about this and thanking [Music] you know this higher being for the 77 still existing um and thanking myself for putting the log up too experiencing all these things all these women like get into the water and they start putting the water on them and i was like water the [ __ ] water yeah and i was about to say like stop parasites don’t drink water but they were laughing and putting the

(1:22:09) water on their hearts and saying cleanse and i started to cry even harder because i was like oh my god like all of my heartbreak and all of my all of my gunk like like letting other women know about it it heals them like they’re cleansing through my pain and so that was i don’t know if it’s if it’s the best because it was the most recent um but it’s the best because it was to me at this moment it was just so hopeful and also for my children because i was seeing that i am healing things so that my children

(1:22:44) aren’t going to have to heal them um [Music] and i saw their birth dad i saw their dad my my ex-partner like on the other side of the river on a land um by himself happy and which is all i want for him but i just saw him and thought um like i had closure in that way you know um that it was gonna be okay there yeah and that like he was gonna have all he needed all his happiness and all of his peace and all of his simplicity because it and there really was a real man over there he was watching me in this journey there

(1:23:22) was a man in this little green trailer on the side of the river just watching me cry in the water and he was drinking tea and then once i realized he was there but in my in my journey he was my ex-partner and i was like oh good you’re happy and you’re you’re healed and i was looking at him and he like waved but i was still stared crying and so he went inside and closed the blinds wow he must see some real peace to you peace to you [Laughter] holy hippie tuesdays ghosts on here okay um that’s amazing so okay

(1:24:02) we like to use the word intuitive on this podcast so it’s not just scaring anyone off but i want you to explore with us the abilities that you have had really since you were a young child that you started noticing and then have honed in on more in this the later years of your life here yeah so tell me about that so i believe that we’re all intuitive um [Music] and that we either discredit it or we’re discredited by others by them saying it’s your imagination or by us being scared of it and so we turn it off um

(1:24:39) and so just let’s give it a your definition of intuition well it’s what most people would consider psychic it’s being able to have an inner knowing of um the spiritual realm i guess and like trusting your gut instinct can be intuition right but like i to me intuition is um it’s a less scary word of psychic right i don’t know um the way i i mean i’m gonna just add my description in here too and see if it resonates with you but the way that feels right for me is that intuition is the ability to

(1:25:20) use tools whatever those are and for me it’s learning uh how people speak and the way that they uh the way they use certain words the words they choose to use can give me a knowing into the type of person they are are they avoiding are they someone who is a forward you know someone who comes toward um yeah i agree micro expressions that they’re using that tell me a little bit about what they’re feeling when they’re saying a sentence that may not have anything to do with what’s actually going on inside of them

(1:25:52) and then there’s a whole trail of those things that you can get really good at reading when you’re just seeing a person sitting in front of you and it becomes so ingrained that it becomes a knowing without having to even think consciously about what’s uh what you’re reading on a person you don’t even have to yeah i do think that’s intuition i think um the other word too like clairvoyant so for me i can see um people as their animal allies i can see their chakras um almost always the bottom three but

(1:26:21) sometimes all of them um and then um i can see the auras and what’s in their aura space i can see if their aura is really close to their body or if it’s really far out um i can sometimes see past trauma um that’s a repeated pattern um and i can see in this case you’re visually seeing these things yes and i’ve lovely learned to turn them on and off okay but i can because before i didn’t know how to turn them off and how long have you been able to see this stuff only like a year and a half actually but

(1:26:57) it’s been actually when i was a kid i would see things like that um and the difference i think is i was not discredited and i didn’t discredit myself i wasn’t scared of it and my mom because i would say things and she’d be like holy heck how did she how’d she know that how’d she see that um i wasn’t i didn’t feel discredited i think that the thing is is when i got into that church it became a thought of that’s evil that’s something you don’t want to mess with but i didn’t necessarily turn it

(1:27:25) off as much as i did have fear of it yeah and i remember any instances when you were young that that came up um i saw my um i saw my mom’s grandmother i talked about this in the paul selig interview i saw her grandmother this is the one that sticks out the most for me because it says it was as clear as day i saw her in the bathroom with me telling me to tell my mom that she loved her and that she wishes she could make flower tortillas for her and i had never met this woman um [Music] and my mom this is back before cordless phones

(1:28:01) was in the kitchen on the wire phone you know hooked up to the wall landline yeah heard me talking to someone and said who are you talking to and i said your grandma she had just she had just passed away i didn’t even know that um i was only like two or three i was like jaya’s age and i said your grandma she said that she loves you very much and she wishes she was here to teach you how to make flour tortillas and my mom i guess since she had just passed away had just been um feeling like because she was such a um

(1:28:31) like kind of an emotionally hard woman because she had to because she was tough um because the stuff she went through my mom never really experienced love from her and she also was like i never got her flower tortilla recipe it’s lost with her and i had i didn’t know those things like maybe she had said them in front of me but like i was only you know so young and i saw her i saw her in front of me and so like that happened and then um um about a year and a half ago it was after i started you know i’ve been doing

(1:28:57) medicine for a couple years plant medicine and so i started to open up that part of my brain again too started to believe in that stuff more and i started to see [Music] so one of the first signs of being clairvoyant one of the most obvious signs is that you sometimes see flashing lights when something is trying to communicate with you and i started to see that and started to think oh [ __ ] am i am i going crazy and then found out that that was one of those um things that like this virtual realm trying to connect with you or tell you

(1:29:28) something um and then i started to see things like people as their animal allies and i started to feel um presences um uh spiritual presences and um one time my ex-partner had a friend over and he came in and i saw a brown aura around him which is very low functioning brown and gray is like low functioning it’s usually to do with like addiction or depression um i saw a brown aura around him and i’m i’m so used to seeing auras at this time that it didn’t phase me i i would see them if anything i was trying to learn

(1:30:10) to not judge people for what i saw because i was trying to remember they are not this is not their intention this is not what they want you to see right like if you’re gonna have this gift you have to separate the two um and especially like with co-workers you know um and i saw him with his brown aura i saw him come and sit on the couch and then i saw a woman sit down next to him and i thought i knew i knew it wasn’t a real woman i knew that it was a spirit because there’s just a different energy it’s a

(1:30:44) it’s a different there’s a different presence a feeling i don’t know how to explain it she sat there and i thought huh um this is why i don’t like having visitors because i don’t like the energy that sometimes people can bring in the home and i just thought like i don’t like this and she looked at me and the message was very clear don’t worry i’m not here to do harm to anybody i’m i go where he goes i’m going to leave when he leaves i’m just i’m just here to be with him

(1:31:14) and she didn’t have any wrong intention like there was no fearful intentions like i didn’t feel any ickiness just the thought of like there’s an entity in my house yeah and um you didn’t know how to feel about that and also just that like i’m seeing this they’re not like i feel like a kook yeah and um but i felt like i was communicating with this woman and there was a sad feeling there was a really sad feeling um and they left i didn’t i didn’t necessarily not sleep well but it is a weird thing to see you

(1:31:49) know and this isn’t too rare for me and um but i also don’t feel like i have many people that i can talk to about this right and um so i talked to my shaman and he was like you need to you need to get some training you need to be able to be around other people who are seeing the same stuff and that you can um express this with so i signed up for boulder psychic institute the crazier thing though is um i told my ex-partner that i was going to sign up for boulder’s psych against two that i was saying these things i was so

(1:32:22) scared to tell him because i already felt like judged by him and said already so much yeah and so um i i told him like these are some of the things i’m seeing um this is what i see in the bathroom uh this is what i feel in our bedroom and um [Music] i none of it was really resonating with him but when i told him about that woman he looked he was like as white as a ghost and was like oh wow his mom had just died and um they didn’t have a very good like they didn’t really have a good ending or like a good relationship and

(1:32:59) so it made sense that she was like still trying to be yeah and like be with him and like there was unfinished business there you know and like she wanted to make sure he was okay i don’t know um but i had no i didn’t even i don’t even know that guy’s name like i don’t think i was introduced to him um but so the fact that like he was like wow and i explained what she looked like and everything and he um validated that um he validated that um made it to where um he at least kind of supported me during

(1:33:34) that school um but yeah things like that happen just things where um i see entities or i see someone as their animal ally i see their their chakras um to know what kind of mental state they’re in at that moment um and it’s not it’s something i’m thankful for um because i have been doing those soul guide sessions i guess or soul readings i’m not sure what to have them yet yeah you’re doing readings now for people and they’ve so far um everyone has cried and experienced a lot of healing so

(1:34:10) um i’m thankful for the gift but it also makes me feel even it even makes it harder to relate to people because i feel even weirder and i don’t know if people believe me when i say what i see um and when someone says they don’t see anything it makes me feel like um strange to them you know yeah i mean i think anything that we can’t see and put our hands on ourselves and really get a grasp of mentally ourselves becomes something that’s fearful and then we name it things like magic or woo-woo or

(1:34:51) um and i think psychic is one of those words too where we put that we clap dark and evil is what i fear yeah we classify those things magic in woo-woo-ness but i see it as like a tool that can even draw us closer to god if we’re using it the right way because it’s it can be used to heal and to raise to a higher self right and i think that’s the thing is what’s the intention with it and what are you doing with it but at the same time i think people just generally things that we don’t know clearly for ourselves because judge

(1:35:23) scary and fearful and they put anyone who you know considers themselves able to um do magic or be whatever we put them in that box too because that’s our instinctual nature to anything we don’t know about and we’re not sure about we be fearful of it first in case it can kill us essentially yeah doesn’t want to be killed yeah that’s a struggle with it the other struggle is um just doubt like am i just imagining all this stuff and um and then when i do a session with someone and i tell them everything and

(1:35:57) they’re like oh man like that all of that it like it it all you know lines up perfectly for them then i’m like oh okay okay maybe i should be doing this but um there was a friend that you had um connected me to to do a session and i instantly right when i because i can usually look at someone’s picture right when i saw it i was like she’s a viper she’s a snake and i um but then i saw a past life that didn’t correlate with the paperwork that i had her fill out and and i also just thought

(1:36:29) like it’s weird the snake was weird to me i thought like are you sure but i kept seeing her every single picture of her she was a snake but i was just doubting myself and doubting that like this um vision i had was even helpful to her um and uh so i was laying in bed and i was thinking like um just call it off cancel the appointment you don’t really need to be doing this like what’s the point there’s so many help people through the podcast you don’t really need to be doing this and mostly because i doubted the snake and

(1:37:01) the vision um and i had just ordered instacart groceries the night before and they were due to arrive you know right at when i was getting up and so there was a knock on the door i get up while i’m thinking about this i get up i go to the door and i don’t i live in a busy neighborhood next to an elementary school i open the door and the grocery lady’s like super spooked and she’s like looks down and i look down and there’s a snake sitting at my doorstep and um and i was just like doubting the whole snake

(1:37:31) scenario you know and she was like there’s a snake and she’s like walking backwards there’s a snake just saying it over and over and i was like this is so weird and um and and then like the day before that girl’s session someone sent me a card with a snake that had pink flowers all over it which is like not really a card you would know um so there are like little confirmations that i am supposed to and and to like embrace it but i definitely get my doubts and i definitely get my insecurities around it

(1:38:00) because just another thing that i feel makes me weird you know um and so you see spirit animals on people just walking around and you just this guy’s an owl and this guy’s a frog and this guy so now i’ve yeah now i’ve pretty much learned to turn it on and off to where if i want that to be on i walk myself through a certain channeling meditation and then i’m seeing it on almost everybody um [Music] i’ve i’ve kind of fine-tuned it to where if i don’t do that i’m not seeing it unless it’s like meant to be seen okay

(1:38:39) um and if i’m ever yeah and if i’m ever um exhausted or if i’ve had which i don’t i haven’t been drunk in like 10 years but if i’m ever exhausted or if i’ve had like um some alcohol i typically things are really foggy like i can see something but it’s like it’s like it’s not fuzzy yeah that is so interesting i’m also still learning the benefit of it like okay yeah i can see these things yeah that’s the benefit yeah that’s the benefit to telling this person right like i need to figure out

(1:39:12) what each animal represents and doing these sessions has helped because then i’m studying that animal wow that makes so much sense how this can be beneficial yeah when you first see someone as a snake you’re like that doesn’t sound like something someone wants to know yeah no yeah yeah i saw someone as a hyena and i’m like i want all the people who hate cats to be cats that’s funny [Laughter] um so you’ve told me i’m a sphynx cat which obviously resonates with me because everyone knows i’m a crazy cat

(1:39:43) lady but also because it’s such a weird looking pink sky it’s like a very um egyptian and like just perfect posture and like which resonates me even with me even more because of my obsession with egypt and so there’s many things that i think when you and then i looked up cat and the first thing it talks about is it being a bridge and i consider myself a bridge so it’s just it’s so interesting the way that we can use things like um when you have a reading for instance and you tell someone their spirit animal you

(1:40:15) talk about you know some past lives that you might have been able to witness uh pieces of or any other things that come up for you because of however you’re reading them whether or not anyone else can see it i don’t think matters because the fact of the matter is if it puts together pieces for a person’s subconscious whoever you’re sitting in front of and it’s able to help them heal something or it’s able to help them tap into a part of them that they weren’t recognizing clearly that now them being able to recognize

(1:40:47) clearly lets them put some pieces of their puzzle together that’s a benefit like i’m for it i don’t understand why we’re ever against something that could be helpful to people you know yeah i think it’s again just that fear we have this like innate fear of anything we don’t know about or we can’t do ourselves so you’re you turn into a japanese red fox whenever you do plant medicine yeah i don’t know why japanese but it’s a japanese red fox yeah well it’s just a specific type of

(1:41:16) animal i guess yeah so you feel the little hairs you’ve talked about that i think on previous episodes and yeah really playful it’s a really playful box really um sensual and playful and um uh like can get out of a pickle real easily yeah yeah fox usually is i mean the word cunning comes to mind because that’s counting and cunning as a box right yeah and your kiddos turn into little foxes as well for the time being but you are under the impression that as we grow we kind of create our own new identities

(1:41:55) yeah i think that children represent their parents because that’s who they’re mimicking um and my daughter so her dad is a wolf and she was a wolf when we all lived in the same home and my son was a fox and um now that we’ve you know lived they’ve only lived with me now i see her as a fox um but and her personality has changed a lot but um i think that once they get that separation i don’t know if it’s like puberty or but they really start to find their own identity is probably when they get their own animal

(1:42:25) um and it’s weird because i feel like everywhere i go not everywhere but very often people are like did you just see that fox or like oh did you see that dead fox on the road or long a lot i never see it like i was walking where i was hiking and my friend was like did you see that fox family and i was like how did you see it and then like my neighbor the other day was like oh did you see that do you know there’s that fox that lives on property and i was like what like it was the weirdest thing she could have said yeah and again

(1:42:55) i live in a in like an apartment complex like so it’s just where are these animals coming from uh it’s so interesting um so have you ever had a psychic reading or psychic work on you um yeah only through my shaman and through um when i attended boulder psychic institute i made it to level four and in level three and level four you do readings on each other okay readings from them and then i also got readings done through like the actual um mentors at bpi not just my classmates okay and did those always resonate with

(1:43:34) you or how do you feel doing the reading navigates their skill their abilities so my shaman um so the lights that i would see at my old apartment yeah the flying lights were always in my bathroom and they scared the crap out of me sometimes because i’d be sleeping and all of a sudden a flashing light would wake me up and i’m like scott wait take that name out john decided and so i would see the flashing light in my bathroom while sleeping and i would think oh and i would try to wake up my ex-partner and say do you see that light

(1:44:12) and the fact that he was saying he couldn’t see something that i was seeing it just was i just don’t know how to explain the feeling that it gave me but um i didn’t like it and scary um yeah yeah like what’s going on in my brain and um what’s wrong with me what what is trying to communicate with me and is it gonna be is it gonna be a good message and um again everything we don’t know about is scary it’s just immediately we don’t give it a chance to be anything else so i kept contacting my pastors at the

(1:44:43) church and they just they weren’t coming over and um i thought i’m just gonna contact my shaman and he came over he’s he’s very intuitive very psychic very clairvoyant um i’ve never once been around this man without seeing his aura ever like he his his aura was the first or i i think i ever saw um i see it on tom shadyac often but um my shaman always has like um a red glow around his hands and then a white aura like all around him which is very translucent and unbiased but um he came in my house he was doing his

(1:45:22) blessings everywhere and then he walked and i did not tell him about the lights in the bathroom yet i didn’t tell him any of that i just told him there’s some spiritual activity in my house and i’m the only one seeing it and um so he goes in my bathroom and he walks back out and he like looks around at my house and like okay this is where i’m at and then he walks back into my bathroom and he like steps back out he looks around and he’s like uh every time i walk in your bathroom i forget where i’m at there’s a portal in

(1:45:56) there and there’s been a portal there’s a portal that’s been opened in there something happened in that bathroom and that’s where entities are coming in and out of and so i was like seeing that portal basically um and another thing that i hadn’t told him is that there was a big giant outburst fight that was um very unhealthy that happened in that bathroom with my partner and the scariest night of our relationship and um i i did not tell my shaman that that had happened but that’s definitely since that since that

(1:46:37) happened was when the um the activity had happened so um so that not only confirmed in me but it comforted me that like we were seeing the same thing um but yeah so i had that reading um on my home which was something that i was seeing already and then um and he was able to close that portal um and then the readings at bpi um they were able to tell me um kind of like the mental state that i was in and the trauma that i needed to heal and that i was a repeated pattern um [Music] but you know that’s really all we can do

(1:47:14) and then we can give you tools we can tell you what we see to because it’s almost like an awakening for you like you can’t ignore this anymore and we can give you tools to work on with that um but i’ve never witnessed a reading or done a reading or had a reading where when the truth is spoken from the intuitive person or the clairvoyant person where like tears don’t come out or like goosebumps aren’t given at the time that the truth is spoken because it’s like how can you this is someone who didn’t know so when

(1:47:45) they’re saying it how can you now ignore that this is something that needs to be dealt with or healed you know so i’d say that’s like one of the most beneficial things is like you’re facing it’s in your face now you know yeah and it’s interesting that energy is lives in these words and it’s just a matter of when they’re spoken out loud we have a reaction and you put a name to it for them in a way that it’s like um okay it makes sense like yeah that’s what i’m saying if there’s a way that

(1:48:17) this allows people to put the puzzle that our big you know that our brains are together and and it allows healing to happen then let’s do it you know you’re i’m glad you’re doing the work to hone it because if you know apparently it’s uh something that has been asked of you in this lifetime so here you are doing it i mean what’s it’s just weird when people don’t want people to be creative they only want people to be creative in the way that they feel comfortable with you know yeah it’s more

(1:48:50) like for me how um you know and someone that i’ve recently um had started dating it was like he had never heard of this stuff so it’s like when you share something with someone who’s never heard of it and they’re not judging you but they’re like wait what yeah because and like they’re not into plant medicine they don’t want to do it and here you are there’s like hippie sipping you know yeah kind of like what do you think i am and am i okay with you like yeah um it’s kind of just like um

(1:49:23) i don’t know i don’t really know how to word it i think it’s just a veering off of mainstream again we are tribal beings and we’re always searching for uh feeling safe and as soon as we’re not doing the same thing that all the rest of the tribe is doing we’re suddenly not safe and that means that the people that come into our lives when we’re doing something off you know off the beaten tribal path we become unsafe to those people in their ego mind you know in their mind also just gotta let people be who they are

(1:49:58) because imagine if i didn’t imagine if this was a time when i couldn’t um share what i see imagine how crazy i would feel you’d be burnt at the stake but can i not like it’s not like i can just stop seeing this stuff so like what if i wasn’t accepted for this and then it’s like well i’ll just keep saying i’ll just keep seeing this stuff and keep it to myself imagine how how icky that would be yeah and then people just call you crazy or bring you at the stake and i mean that’s what i’m saying it’s we are only

(1:50:28) comfortable with people being creative to the degree of which we’re comfortable with you know and that’s not fair because our minds are just because we don’t understand it yeah it’s to me it’s the same thing again with the dream thing it’s like saying if someone dreams something they’re gonna take it so literally that they i don’t know if we might have to cut this out but basically my idea is that if i was to dream i murdered somebody for instance and then i told the world i dreamt that

(1:51:00) i murdered somebody and they said well you’re a murderer then that’s what that means we gotta put you in you know death row or whatever you do yeah it’s the same extreme way that our instinctual mind that’s just trying to like keep us safe and so it’s not logical um thinks so when you talk about someone who’s doing something that a lot of the population is not doing because they’re not using their mind in that type of or that um place of creativity it’s so scary for them it’s such a

(1:51:38) unknown that they just feel like you got to go be over there because it’s we don’t know what to do with that because we don’t know yeah we don’t know that’s the point anyway and maybe one day it’s gonna be completely normal and then it’s like gonna be weird exactly you know and i actually think it will i think as we get um rid of uh i way overuse this term but things like toxic masculinity that are causing us to close off our creativity that are um not allowing us to have that ability of free-spirited wild woman

(1:52:14) or wild feminine let’s call it because men can have that ability too um we don’t get to explore these parts of ourselves that could tap into the other parts of our brain you know other parts of our spirit for that matter especially now that psychedelics are becoming um totally legal might who knows what’s going on and that concept that uh monkeys you know so many as the who who talks about the theory of monkeys getting a hold of um mushrooms magic mushrooms and eating them and then it becoming the way that they turned

(1:52:48) into human consciousness and were able to expand their minds to the place where we are today that is a really cool idea don’t have any idea if it’s you know factual but just the fact that we can come up with [ __ ] like that because our brains have this type of creativity we can dream the wildest weirdest things that don’t make any damn sense and we can make a movie that looks like the dream you know we had and make the world go what the hell were you smoking when you made that movie because our brains are capable of

(1:53:16) so much more than we could ever predict yeah so anyway i’m glad you’re um helping people like i like we talk about you know we’re this podcast is a lot about bridging people who might be thinking mainstream and being very safe and asking them to explore the gray a little bit i know it feels unsafe but it’s really not it’s a matter of you getting used to it little by little so walk on this bridge called the magic hour podcast with us um okay so you uh i wanted to say that a year ago we started the show

(1:53:53) and if someone would have asked me a year ago if jade is living the life she wanted i would have probably answered no but today if someone asked me it would be a completely different answer like something like yes she’s consciously creating her reality and taking ownership of what and how she manifests now and i feel like that’s really what you’re doing how do you feel like you’d answer that question today how how are you who are you um yeah a year ago i was not living the life that um i would want to create but um

(1:54:30) today i do feel like i am i obviously want to grow into more of that um through this you know podcast and through um you know different goals but um you’re saying [Music] how did i get how how did the transition happen or how did i um get how like how did that change happen or just who am i yeah just like maybe let me just rephrase it so that it’ll be clean for john but a year ago a year is a it seems like such a long time in some regards but in such a short time it always feels like it flies by right and so a year ago you were

(1:55:18) we were starting this podcast you were in a completely different place um uh in relationship especially and even physically you were living in you know you’ve moved a couple times since then and mentally for sure you’re in a different place and within the year some really big changes have happened the podcast was born um you have changed the relationship you were in and went through eight months of abstinence oh yeah um yeah yeah i mean there’s like been a really big journey to today where and now today i’d say you’re

(1:55:57) completely different than who you were a year ago and so i just wanted you to maybe speak on that and how you got here yeah that’s crazy when you put it that way because every year on new year’s eve i give that next year a word and i was scared to do it but i gave 2019 the word transformation like that was my word for 2019 and everything you just said like screams transformation so um [Music] um damn i had a good one for next year i’ve already forgotten it yeah so so in this now in the now right now here we are

(1:56:38) thriving 2020 is thriving thriving i like that’s a very abundant word yeah thriving so how did you how do you feel like and you know maybe you can talk about what are the big moments that happened in the last just year from when we started this podcast to now since this is our one year anniversary what has happened and for you you know in your life and and how has that transformed you um so i think starting off the year with that intention to be transformed to have my life transformed was a big thing because i’m all about

(1:57:16) manifestation through list and i um last november knowing that i wanted this next year to be a completely different life i wrote out my dream partner list um i entitled it what i’m available for and there was like eight 17 or 18 things um and you know my ex-partner is not a bad person we’re just not right for each other and um there’s some unhealthy stuff there but um i i know he loved me he just didn’t know how to love me how i needed um and when i looked at that list he only had one of all of those things wow and it made

(1:58:00) me want to be so much more intentional like man why the hell did i have this list before to like you know we weed it out and like not waste time and so i said next year or i i knew the relationship was ending but i um i knew that that next year that i was gonna be true to that list um and um so i went into the list with the year with that list and also with the transformation theme and then also knowing i was going to be celibate because like in that marriage um i unlike in that marriage where i waited a year till i washed that fork um i wanted

(1:58:41) to feel all the pain from this breakup so that i didn’t run into the arms of different lover right same story same story um and i also didn’t want to take any of the patterns and the darkness into my next partnership because i wanted that partnership to be conscious and i also wanted to protect my energy while i healed and so i chose to be um celibate um i chose to i used to smoke every single day this is the only way i was surviving and i chose to give that up um smoke weed no smoking weed and also to cut out drinking i mean i think i

(1:59:17) maybe drink once in that whole celibacy um with you after our south by event expired we needed it but yeah i didn’t really drink though and i i gave up smoking and i uh weed and i um and i gave up sex i still would get um little crushes but i didn’t um they knew beforehand that i was celibate nothing was gonna happen um but yeah those were that those things were really monumental for me and um i also as scary as it was moved into a home with my toddlers on my own um not knowing if i could afford it but knowing that

(1:59:56) um as stressful as that may be my mental stress and emotional stress would be um different um [Music] and it’s been [Music] um as i mean that really sums it up like as stressful as sometimes the uncertainty can be financially or the what-ifs about the future um may all the what-ifs that may have come up um i had to give up i had to stop going to bpi because i had to cut expenses and i also didn’t have a partner you know to help out um so with all of that though i’ve never felt more [Music] safe and secure i’ve never felt more

(2:00:42) um you know i have um a mood journal that i’ve done the last couple years where i draw something and then i label each piece of it one through thirty or one through thirty one however many days are in the month and then i have a little key grid at the bottom that says different moods based on colors and i color that day of the month whatever mood i’m in and i was looking at the last two years and of october and there was so purple is over the moon and pink is good day and then orange is ah it’s okay and then from then on out

(2:01:13) it’s anxious worried angry sad um in the last two years it was either orange or below there was never pink never purple um and there was a lot of gray which is anxious and worried and um i mean there wasn’t a single purple not a single pink and in either of those octobers because i like to go back and and make sure that there’s growth and um so i always have my two octobers you know next to my present one and my present one i mean [Music] not to get too attached because we have highs and lows and who knows what next

(2:01:52) month may look like but in this october we’re on day or we’re at the end of the month and i’ve had purple on every single day every single day so that’s just shows how much making proactive yeah making scary changes pain and feel really really stuck and i know i know that if i didn’t have that message from aya maybe from mother ayahuasca maybe it would have taken longer and i know that there’s times that i had told you this is my situation and this is how i’m feeling and you would say like okay

(2:02:24) let’s try to get together a game plan for how we can get out of this situation but it never felt attainable for me um and then in that ceremony i just knew it doesn’t matter you have to do it like i remember um last year um because i like to write like a few letters to my future self and that last year on a holiday i read my previous one and then i wrote one for this year and i wrote you have been happy every year on this holiday for the past four years do not do this again like next year i want you to write something happy for

(2:03:00) the first time in years and and that was a big wake-up call so just make like really being aware of what i’m feeling because it’s so easy to distract ourselves and go through the motions so just really being aware without aware of all my feelings and being really present with them and then making scary changes yeah now being aware of my feelings and being present with them isn’t as dark and scary that’s yeah i think that’s it right there is you did you st you took the we call on the podcast 15 seconds of

(2:03:33) bravery to step into some of that ugly stuff that you’ve been maybe not wanting to look at for a while and realized yeah this sucks and i’m going to have to dredge through it but i can see that there is another you know i can get through i can see the other side and i’m going to dredge through this until i get there because i know this is the uncomfortable work i have to do and now the work that’s being done in my growth because sometimes you think sometimes like when you’re in a relationship like that

(2:04:03) you think it’s such a good tool for growth like you you can rid yourself of your ego so much and you can pull out so much trauma because you’re being triggered all the freaking time yeah um oh [ __ ] that’s me [Music] oh [ __ ] it’s scaring me it’s right behind the computer damn things off well we’ve been on here for a [ __ ] while two hours i wonder how long that other video went make sure it’s going well my video’s been on for two hours and two minutes oh [ __ ] okay sorry so i think that it’s easy to stay in

(2:04:55) relationships that aren’t good for us when we’re obsessed with growth because we can think like well this is a way to rid myself of my ego and i’m constantly being triggered because triggers are all the freaking time and unhealthy relationships and so you’re thinking you’re dealing with your trauma and you’re healing and it’s like when you’re obsessed with growth and with um just knowing the psyche yeah it almost becomes like this addiction in a way um and it’s like in this year

(2:05:23) i honestly feel like i’ve grown more than i did in that in those in those years in that relationship even though relationships can be such a tool for growth especially because your partner holds up a mirror to you but it’s like yes when you’re in a conscious relationship and i think sometimes we get that confused like we we do think that relationships are like tools for growth but it’s like we don’t need to be in something like that to you know and so now um being single this year i feel like i’ve grown so much but

(2:05:53) in a way of um [Music] dealing with my worthiness and dealing with um my mindset of lack transitioning it into a mindset of abundance um so many amazing ways that i’ve grown this year um through being on my own and also through dating like a dating yeah um has also because worthiness and lack and abundance and all of that goes into dating so um so i think that sometimes though we stay in a situation too long because um we think we just need to change ourselves and we just need to you know yeah and i think that can be tied to i

(2:06:34) understand the self-defecating nature that you’re talking to there but also i think it can be tied to or at least i’ve noticed in myself to a codependence yeah like for me it’s like a codependence and a sex addiction in a sense where i don’t like to use sex addiction because it sounds so extreme but just the idea of like getting validation through interaction with sexual and that way yeah yeah so i think that i do feel like my codependency has been healed yeah and i feel like what we’re attracted to i read a quote today

(2:07:08) the soul that we’re attracted to reveals the contours of our heart and it’s also like that water seeks its own level um like whatever you’re attracted to reveals what you’re needing to heal at that time and i have noticed this year i have only been attracted to healthy people and the people that um really want to have those conversations that are life-giving and bring us both into more consciousness you know so i think i may have gotten rid of that conscious that codependency through being so freaking co-dependent

(2:07:38) on someone and doing all that medicine and all that work in that relationship i don’t know that now i need to do all of the medicine and all it’s like a different type of growth now you know yeah and it’s a settling like letting hindsight show you the la you know show you what all you learned through that work you did that’s important it’s the we call it the sacred pause um yeah yeah which i don’t usually do integrate with gratitude step four [Laughter] integrate with gratitude that’s good

(2:08:18) yeah so what are some of the practices you use in your daily routine that help you stay at your best in all you know what we’ve talked about here and we’ve do we do so much here on the show with magic tricks and um giving you know muddling through everybody else that we have on the shows um ways that they keep their lives in some sort of uh healthy state and they have daily routines that have been really helpful to us but what have you picked out from there maybe or what do you do that has always helped you

(2:08:54) yeah um two things that i feel like make all the difference in my life and in the kids lives um it’s like every morning and i i really want to add one step to this that i’ve been slacking on but um every morning before i even get out of bed and the kids know like they’ll come in here and tell me good morning and then they know that i need 10 minutes to meditate so they’ll go and they’ll go back in their room they’ll play a little bit they’ll go sit on the couch and color whatever they choose to do but they know

(2:09:27) that like in the morning they give me you know a little bit of time and i’m lucky that they’re old enough now to do that but um i before i even get out of bed i um put on a grounding cord that i attach like to my hips visually um and like i attach it to the center of the planet and i just um let all the stuff that doesn’t serve me and all the things that like are in my space i let it go down that cord and i keep it on throughout the day so that if i do feel like i didn’t like the way that felt or

(2:10:01) that interaction wasn’t too great i let it go through that chord and then this isn’t something that most people would feel like they could do but visualization is so powerful whether you think you’re psychic or not i visualize each of my chakras and i visualize myself tuning them into how i want them so like your root chakra should only be one inch your second should only be one inch your third for one minute six inches from minutes eight inches so i do i i know what those are supposed to look like so i i visualize those the way that

(2:10:31) they’re supposed to look um and just for anyone listening that you know might not be familiar with even how chakras work there are tons of um like youtube videos that you could just say chakra meditation that could walk you through that type of visualization and this makes so much of a difference because if you’re someone who struggles with anxiety you’re ungrounded and you’ve got root chakra and putting on that grounding cord it makes all the difference um just visualizing now but something else that i do in that

(2:11:01) practice is what i tell other people and people that i meet with to use is a pool like picture themselves in a pool and get all the leaves and all the gunk out and picture the picture that pool being the temperature that you find comfortable ask everyone to get out of the pool and to leave the pool and just let it be a place that’s like relaxation for you um and that’s like your way of clearing your head yeah and getting everyone’s thoughts out of your head so for me i moved on from the pool and now i picture

(2:11:29) this meditation room i don’t know where it came from but um maybe it’s in my future house but cool it’s this meditation roll room where i like i vacuum out the gunk i move the toys out i like my little incense and light a little candle and then i sit in this like chair and it’s that’s like the way i clear my head and the way i get people’s thoughts out of my head like if you’ve ever had some like um just something in your mind that you can’t clear or like even a song you know i can’t fall asleep then i

(2:12:00) picture myself in there and i turn off the stereo and i ask that person to leave the room and it’s like i’ve cleared my mind um so that’s like part of that meditation is like clearing that space my grounding cord the chakras and then um i also picture a big golden sun above me and i um [Music] put everything in that sun that i want to embody love laughter presence playfulness i picture the fox running around i just put everything in there money whatever and then i pop it and i let it fill up like my whole space

(2:12:38) and there’s a bunch of stuff that i do in that whole exercise it’s a big 10 sometimes 20 minute thing but those are the most simplest ones that people could use um [Music] the the rest is a little bit harder to grasp but i do that every single morning and then um on our not rush mornings which i wish it was every morning me and my kids dance yeah i mean even instagram videos even when we’re not having a good day sometimes so we’ll go oh my god we forgot to dance [Laughter] and it’s like we know

(2:13:15) we know you want to have a good day or a bad day you start it with something good that makes you feel good um and um [Music] so so those are two things movement dance because hit like dancing is so powerful yeah dance and then that meditation and um uh the thing that i want to end to the end of my day is meta meditation because that’d be so powerful before you go to sleep sending someone love sending yourself love but that’s not something that i’ve that’s not something i’ve done but it’s something i’m working on i usually run

(2:13:48) myself yeah i usually run myself till i fall in bed so um but that’s something i’d like to add on to that all right well i want to get into the questions that our magic mob sent in because of course they uh had a lot for you so let’s kick it off with at rachblair on instagram asks how do you respond to unexpected triggers in dating that’s a really good one um so i think my triggers have most most of them have to do with worthiness now um because i’m not dating people who would ever raise their voice at me

(2:14:32) in an abusive way or that it would ever call me names so i’m not really being triggered um [Music] there i think that um [Music] it’s silly things like um just feeling worthy um and the way i respond is through when something comes up for me speaking it so when i let it fester it drives me nuts and it also gets so much worse because then i create a story in my head and i also feel less worthy because now i think i’m insecure and i think that um i uh feel even more unworthy because i’m feeling unworthiness you know whereas

(2:15:19) when you can find a partner that lets you safely express your insecurities and your vulnerabilities it is life-changing um so but yeah for me when a trigger comes up i don’t um i don’t let it fester but i also make sure i’m emotionally sober and i just i make sure to express it in a way that is non-threatening um and i don’t know that that would have ever been allowed in my past partnership so um [Music] so it only works in you know with with um someone who’s open to doing yeah someone that allows that and that

(2:15:59) makes you feel safe in that space but um this year i have felt that um here recently so um i feel really really safe and comfortable letting what stirred up in me letting it come out and um [Music] yeah i think that’s the safe that’s the best thing to do is to express it i like that i’m going to pause because i have to plug this in um i’m not pausing anything but i’m not asking anything so just give me one second will you clap with me on the count of three again just for the second video that i started one two three

(2:16:50) um because like london winter said in her episode like there’s gonna come a time when you do feel comfortable sharing all that stuff so like might as well do it now and if you’re too much for him then you’ll figure it out now sooner than later yeah yeah because that’s the thing is when we feel triggers i think we often feel like we’re too much if we express them and i i’ve let go of that this year and i’ve if something makes me insecure and i mean i mean really silly like like if i didn’t like

(2:17:21) that he liked something on instagram one time like that sounds so that’s like the worst i think it sounds petty but it’s still an emotional i mean it’s still it still triggers something so go ahead yeah like but that’s like one of the worst things i feel like us girls want to say is like hey i noticed you liked this on instagram and that caption you liking that it just didn’t feel good like that’s feels so weird for us to say that but um when you feel safe enough and when you find when you let it out

(2:17:53) um and it’s accepted and you see how they react to you but um but if you’re feeling it then it’s valid and two i think because you’ve done a lot of the self work to know when your thoughts are true to um like you’re you’re being logical you know what i mean instead of irrationally emotional and that’s a huge hard thing to reach but i think because now you’re in a state where you’re pretty confident in the way that you’re able to actually look at the truth of something that you get triggered with

(2:18:30) you feel confident in bringing it up yeah and also following up with look i have i have been cheated on by every partner and i don’t want to make you pay for their mistakes but that’s also why i’m letting you know that this is an insecurity of mine and something that i’m working on um but i just wanted to let you know that that’s that’s triggering space right now yeah i feel like we have to share our triggers because otherwise how are they not how are they going to know how to make us feel safe and how

(2:18:56) um how are they going to know how to speak our love languages because of part i feel like a part of speaking our love languages outside of the five that we all know is like knowing our triggers and knowing our childhood wounds and if you pretend that you don’t have them or if you speak them then they’re just gonna get worse and they’re not gonna heal you can and that’s another thing that i think that with dating especially with you and i always being obsessed with growth is like well how can i deal with

(2:19:24) this how can i heal from this and not make it his make it mine how can i do it and become the martyrs but i notice that when i stay in that zone but i also still voice that that’s where i’m at i remove the shame from it because i’m speaking it out loud and i feel more accepted um but i and if they leave then then there’s someone that will accept it but um or you i don’t know they just weren’t for you but um and that’s that is a scary thing but you might as well find out now that you’re

(2:19:59) too that you you know it’s too much for him or that um he can’t sit with you in the insecurity or the uncomfortable or the vulnerable moments yeah and being able to communicate that clearly and so that you feel confident in the way that you were able to communicate it is a is a whole skill on its own but i think working towards that is all what we call self mastery you know being able to do that yeah okay to sum it up speak it speak speak it out loud with in truth you know in the in the court soberly emotionally sober non-threatening yes

(2:20:38) um do you have any advice on balancing your masculine and feminine energies this question is coming from g underscore dylan11 on instagram advice on balancing your masculine and feminine energies go listen to our maddie moon episode or our elima lay and london winters and we have so many episodes about this because that is like something that we were really into for a while um still we just integrated i think that because i can usually see if someone’s in their feminine or masculine um and and i can usually see

(2:21:14) where most of their trauma is coming from they’re feminine or they’re masculine so i think also a really important thing is finding out where you hold wounds because that’s likely the part you’re suppressing or the part that you’re letting overcome you you know that’s where the imbalance is coming from yeah and i think too you don’t have to go deeper on that because go back and listen to those episodes jade mentioned and they have they’ve given us so many exercises um different practices to

(2:21:45) employ to balance out your energies and they are powerful so i hope you enjoy uh don underscore mcgrudger on instagram asks how do you not worry about what others think or feel about you oh i always remember that everything that they’re saying and seeing is through the filter of everything that they’ve gone through um and that whatever they’re telling me whatever someone’s saying about someone they’re telling you about them and not as much about the person so um negative and positive comments online

(2:22:23) don’t don’t tend to affect me when people make fun of my gap it doesn’t tend to affect me when someone says i’m the most beautiful woman they’ve ever seen it doesn’t affect me because that that’s um that’s just their filter that’s what they’re seeing through their experiences and um [Music] and and when someone is being super hateful too it’s like they’re telling you about what they’re feeling it has nothing to do with you um and anything and if anything that has

(2:22:53) helped me feel that more it’s um a new earth by eckhart tolle and um the four agreements of course take nothing personal yeah don miguel ruiz also we interviewed his son guys don miguel ryze jr he uses those core basics from that book in his um other works and just in the way he speaks that’s a good one to listen just keep telling yourself it’s not about you and it’s not always what it seems like it’s hard to understand it’s not about us when we’re triggered but it is so critical to understand that just hurt

(2:23:27) people hurt people and that’s what that’s coming from um at uh a chugga achuga i don’t know a chugga 16 and um also pat underscore kasky 68 on instagram both asks what event impacted your life most or what has been the most life defining moment you’ve experienced and how has it helped you grow as a person [Music] um that’s hard because it could be that couple taking me off the streets or it could be me walking away from that marriage um because that changed my life forever think about it like we wouldn’t be

(2:24:10) talking right now um [Music] i wouldn’t having your children or like yeah starting this podcast so many moments i know i mean walking away from the situations that didn’t serve me walking away from that marriage walking away from the past partnership i’d say that those were most transformative because they were what opened the door and made space for the most amazing things clearing out cleansing your life cool at dewey underscore argyle asks are you still abstinent no it did last eight months um and i think the lesson there

(2:24:57) was um because i wasn’t in hell an unhealthy situation i thought that my sex drive was gone because um it felt gone but once i um rid myself of um you know all the unhealthy of that situation and then spent some time alone it it replenished um and i realized how sensual i really was but it also um helped me to in the first three months i wasn’t allowed to be um intimate with myself either and then um in the last half i allowed that but it also helped me to get to know my body more um which was nice because i really

(2:25:40) i really had my pleasure that part had been neglected for so long so that being able to come you know um back into my life was really powerful um and um it was even some homework that i got in a ceremony was to do that every day because it really does make a difference when you’re orgasming regularly it’s really good for you um another thing though was that um once i did start having sex again i had to find that balance because i started to get um mercedes knows that like once i broke my absence i bought all the

(2:26:17) sex books and i felt like sex had to be electrifying and like it has to be the best ever right now and i i had to find the balance with like chill it’s it’ll like it’s a process you know um you don’t have to do it all right now so um i did find the balance there but it was eight months is a really long time yeah yeah kudos to you on that um and it sounds like it’s worthwhile though if anyone’s thinking of trying it because they feel yeah i think six months six months is good yeah that’s what that was my intention was

(2:26:53) six months and then i was like all right all right we’re all done ready it just lasted eight man i don’t know i’ll keep flirting with the idea and my husband keeps looking at me like don’t you [ __ ] dare that’s funny um all right at f underscore row six on instagram asks question mark and i’m pretty sure he’s asking if we’d be interested in a threesome with him but i’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and pretend that because he heard that episode number 36 where we interview cal

(2:27:28) kingsbury about his threesome with his wife that this guy’s asking if you’ve had a threesome and if so what was the experience like if not would you consider it i’ve never had a threesome um i did date a well-known celebrity in la for a little while um that i had a really deep connection with and um that was one of the reasons why it didn’t continue is because he kept wanting to have threesomes and um i just i don’t know i just don’t have a desire to i feel like i’m one of the only people

(2:27:59) on earth who hasn’t um but i for some reason don’t feel like i’m missing out um i do sometimes have an attraction for women especially ruby rose and so there are times where i’m like if my partner was okay with it um and he would let me do that and he could watch but i don’t want to have a threesome i don’t want to share my partner but even that sounds selfish because he would be sharing me with that woman but he’d be able to watch right so it’s kind of fun for him i don’t know um

(2:28:29) that would be something that like you know maybe that would be maybe a possibility but i don’t even know if that would be beneficial to the relationship and if not then i wouldn’t want to do it um but uh yeah i have no desire to have a threesome i have not had a threesome and i i have fantasy about threesome but with two dudes and i would open it up to dreamworld right now that if you’d like to show me in my dream if that’s something i really want to do or not that’s the only way i’m willing to i

(2:29:03) don’t want to at this point [Laughter] in your dream it’s like okay well let’s do this but the truth but like you got to kind of know it’s your dream yeah you can manipulate it the way you want okay um oh mike on instagram asks what kind of men or women are you attracted to um women the most i’ve ever been attracted to someone is ruby rose but there was this other playmate that um i fell in love with in my twenties and um she just she looked like a playmate but um it was more that like you know she was

(2:29:45) curvy and beautiful and blonde and um but it was more that i felt such a soul connection with her um i just when i talked to her i always felt like we were the only ones on the planet but yet on another planet um and so it was it was a soul connection but it didn’t go anywhere i didn’t know if she felt the same i didn’t know if she liked girls um and so i and i never expressed it but um but i did feel i i felt like i was i was falling for her um and then um men so it’s not like a type it’s um ruby

(2:30:25) rose is my type visually yeah but that girl looked nothing like her she was like ruby rose is so skinny and she looks you know kind of boyish you can tell she’s a lesbian this girl was like a playmate didn’t even know she was one or not so it’s it i don’t really have um it’s it’s more of a soul connection and with men people always say i have a type you do then you’d tell it then [Applause] well if you’re talking about looks you have a type but you used to have a type as far as personality because you were running an

(2:30:57) old pattern that i’m glad you’re yeah i don’t have that anymore yeah so now i’d like to bye boys bye boys um you like you like tallish skinny but then again i’ve seen you date some short i only dated like one tall guy yeah well okay like not tall but for you everybody’s tall yeah that’s true so taller than you um skinny and more like white boy blonde blue eye type type not necessarily blonde yeah i don’t know so i would say um i would say someone who when they smile their eyes smile too

(2:31:40) um and um someone i like messy hair um but i like i feel like because every time i put like i don’t know i feel like whenever i post someone that i’m dating they’re like well you have a type so i’m like what do you mean but um but i feel like i like muscles i like muscles um not i don’t i don’t need like kyle kingsberry muscles but i just i like muscles i like definition um i like to feel like it’s like a man that you know is like gonna um protect you yeah um like some like a healthy masculine um

(2:32:19) but i like a big smile i like someone who takes care of their teeth um i like someone who takes care of their body i like someone who’s super positive um [Music] and i like i guess i guess if i had to guess when people say you have a type it’s because they tend to be like a pretty boy with some tattoos uh-huh i think um yes and i like i like a defined jaw uh but really looks still i feel like i’ve it’s a soul connection like if they make me feel um seen that’s really sexy you know for sure yeah no i actually have seen you

(2:33:03) i guess that’s because who you’ve actually ended up in longer-term relationship with has been a certain look but when we talk about like men who are attractive and for the reasons they’re attracted to a lot of the time it’s it has nothing to do with i mean the guys don’t even aren’t even attractive physically if you really wanted to look at it from that level but because they like are so good at seeing someone clearly or being an expert in their field or confident in the work that they do or something like

(2:33:31) that they become really attractive we have that experience a lot on the show because we delve so deeply into things with with people who are um experts in a lot of things we’re really interested in so i think it’s yeah and we’re always in ovulation it seems so we’re easily influenced by these masculine wiles you know what i really love though is when you look in someone’s eyes and you see like purity and innocence even though like no one really has like innocence it’s like there’s this like um

(2:34:04) innocent like um intention you know it’s like um a gentleness gentleness is like gentlenesses which is funny because i dated so many fighters but they had like some of them you know they had like a gentle spirit still you know um so gentleness is like something that really melts my heart and then just a desire to be a light to people um i mean i can post my list of 18 things on our story or something oh yeah that would have been good we could list out the 18 things that are on your list that’s actually let’s do it right now we

(2:34:38) can cut it if we want so you have a list right that i know you’ve made and and um currently you’re dating someone who meets very i don’t know is it all the all the things on the list he says he doesn’t have two but i would say um yeah he sells he graded himself so i don’t know accurate but it’s a lot better than that’s the good thing about him is that he is very transparent um and very honest but the thing the lesson there was when i made that list last november there was something in me like a really

(2:35:12) like strong inner knowing that um if i walked away from the unhealthy situation that i would know that man by next fall it was just like an inner it was fall when i wrote it but it was like it was just this deep inner knowing like you’ll know this man by next fall um and it was like it almost gave me that urge to like get rid of the unhealthy or else i was gonna miss out on that um but okay what’s this what’s oh good yeah well then when the man showed up um [Music] he said something that like i don’t know something that

(2:35:45) scared me and i was like hey i just want to let you know like i have this list and i’m being super particular about who i date and instead of him being intimidated by it like a lot of men i think would be or by or like him thinking i’m a diva or high maintenance he was like oh let me see it let’s not waste any time and i have a list too i’ll show you mine and i was like like i was taken back like i don’t know many men that would be vulnerable like that yeah um and so he literally like wrote down what

(2:36:12) he felt about himself next to each thing and i knew he didn’t want to waste time either so i felt he was honest but what happened my lesson there was um when it did show up fast there was something in me that was trying to talk me out of it yeah um because i didn’t feel and mercedes was the one who brought it to my attention i didn’t feel worthy of the universe delivering what i asked for especially so soon um and so i was trying to tell myself that it wasn’t real um and mercedes helping always helps me with my

(2:36:46) worthiness wound but i i i also it gave me that mindset of abundance um and then um yeah that was a really big lesson there just that we are worthy of what we manifest yeah um [Music] that’s a good line right there just because we’re manifesting it it means we’re worthy of it huh yeah um [Music] so so what is on the the last thing another lesson there was that like when you’re so used to trauma and things being um like having so much angst around them that when something comes along that feels right and easy that it

(2:37:30) can almost seem boring to you and um that’s it yes that’s not the case it’s just that you’re so like i used to always think someone was about to be mad at me or that um like something was gonna go wrong and in this amount of time with this person um i haven’t felt that once and that can almost seem boring but it’s not it’s just i feel like my brain used to be addicted to stress yes that’s what i was going to say this ties to stress addiction which is such an interesting topic and

(2:38:02) um it’s so cool that you’ve been exploring it really on the podcast in real time as you’re working through it so um and that’s a real thing you know if you’re listening we get addicted to these old patterns that aren’t necessarily things that feel good being stressed all the time being always worried that someone’s going to leave you or whatever it is for you we confuse that for chemistry and passion yeah and so there was something in me that was thinking is this going to be enough are we going to get bored right

(2:38:29) um and that’s it’s just because i was used to the unhealthy yes i totally did that in my last relationship so i feel you yeah okay tell me the list though okay it’s on my phone so i’m gonna have to turn this video off and restart it okay so [Music] that’s not um okay so um what i’m available for is what i titled it and um [Music] there are 18 things so number one is faith and god quote unquote um that he leads me in my faith and lovingly challenges me that’s really important um number two a strong desire to change the

(2:39:27) world for the better through how he loves people sees people and lives his life number three has a desire to see the world and is a patient and loving travel partner that’s huge because you want to be able to travel with your partner yeah and i’ve had some that’s not always easy it’s not always easy number four it takes me blues dancing and loves the french kiss people laugh when they read that but um first of all blue dancing is the way to my heart and i have not had many partners that would blues dance

(2:39:55) with me it also means they don’t have a stick up their butt and they’re well they don’t care what other people think and they’ll dance with a woman yeah because they know it makes her happy and that says a lot um and then the loves to french kiss my last relationship i can count on probably one hand how many times we french kissed and i think that french kissing is more intimate than sex um i always related to pretty woman how when she wouldn’t have sex with her clients i mean she wouldn’t french kiss

(2:40:22) them but right right um number five hilarious i i love you know laughing is so important gotta be hilarious yes hilarious number six lives a healthy lifestyle through his diet and activities i don’t want someone who drinks regularly i don’t want someone who drink uh who um you know eats gum junk i wanna substance abuses or sugar abuses or any of those things number seven inspires me to be more positive number eight is empathetic to others and his kindness brightens the day of all around him number nine financially stable and

(2:40:58) responsible number ten my children are thrilled to have him as a father figure number 11. he makes me feel safe i deserve that after all i’ve been through and all the work i’ve done i no longer want to live in fight or flight mode or be fearful in conflict this means no belittling name-calling breaking things it also means that i know he is faithful and always has my best interest at heart it means he makes me feel adored and respected number 12 he consistently desires to grow with me i want to read books together i want to

(2:41:28) have talks about what how we’re growing in our own lives um but i i really want to use the relationship to as a growth tool for each other um number 13 he is emotionally and physically available number 14 he is a giver in bed and into tantra like practices um at least try you know yeah just trying to be expensive experimental why not yeah um i don’t want ho-hum sex anymore um number 15 serious handyman and creativity skills because i so many of my friends husbands are handymen and i just think that that their life is so much easier and faster

(2:42:11) that’s on my unanswered list number 16 he cooks for us randomly i don’t need him to cook all the time but just take some weight off of the woman number 17 he makes me feel pursued and is romantic like he opens cars doors he buys flowers or cards from time to time doesn’t have to be all the time but just little surprises that you know make you feel pursued um that he acts the way that he acted when he was trying to hit you yeah number 18 he loves on me in the morning before checking his phone um yeah it’s a weird thing to put on a list

(2:42:47) you would think but that’s my lesson um he actually had a list two and i only don’t have one of them which is that she is drug free but it’s weird because i consider myself drug-free i just do plant medicine and i didn’t i don’t think of plant medicine as drugs so that’s the only thing i lack um but i don’t know we’ll see we’ll see we’ll see all right we have a pick your poison from nick on facebook you’re going to start your video let’s start the video again before i go on yeah

(2:43:23) okay clap ready one two three okay we have a pick your poison from nick on facebook who asks would you rather have skin that changes color based on your emotions or tattoos appear all over your body depicting what you did yesterday [Laughter] the the color of my moods because you can tell already people can tell what mood i’m in by looking at me well you also can see the chakras and the auras and the colors already so you feel like that’s probably just comfortable for you at this point yeah i’ll do that

(2:44:06) i don’t know you’re like a big mood ring you’re just walking around and like you’re like you know what you have to ask what you’re feeling like how are you how are you what color do i look like right now would i be completely gray right now if i felt great um i don’t know trying to think of tattoos depicting what i did yesterday so you just have to like well you can wear clothes [Laughter] yes you could why didn’t i think of that [Laughter] i mean you could cover them up is it on your face i don’t know i want to think

(2:44:48) about what that would look like what did i do yesterday and it’s like just like you having sex with another person that’s not your spouse on your forehead and you’re like what honey i don’t know what’s what’s wrong yeah i’d like to think i don’t do things that are so terrible i wouldn’t care if they were tattooed no i just don’t want to i just want tattoos all over my body what if i was like waxing my vagina you know that’s funny or what are the other things just sitting

(2:45:20) in bed with my cat all day watching that could be anything i want my privacy i kind of want to know my boot i want my privacy sitting with my cat all day watching netflix that would be a really great tattoo okay um so i don’t know what i i i just want the tattoo thing because i think it would be funny okay so as you know there’s a few short questions we like to ask everyone who comes on our show first off if you could hug your younger self right now what would you say um that life is worth living [Music] and that all of your prayers are going

(2:46:02) to be answered hmm okay if you could have well i mean some of our prayers aren’t answered for the better you know right but but like the the life that i really wanted and that i had hoped for that that that or something better is going to happen but that life is worth living for sure if you could have the whole world read one book which would it be you know i always say life’s operating manual by tom shadiak because um i just feel like it’s how oh it’s like the whole world needs to read that damn book but i am reading for

(2:46:41) the third time um getting the love you want um [Music] and i just think that if is i wish that i could like memorize the entire book because it would have changed so much it it tells you why you choose the partners that you choose why you’re attracted to what you’re attracted to um and there’s like some imago exercises in it which is like um helping you reveal your subconscious i mean it’s a really it’s a it’s a really really powerful book and really um has so many amazing tools and i the first time i read it i think it was 26.

(2:47:26) i read it again when i was 29 and now i’m reading it again at 34. um and i can’t i honestly can’t recommend a better book for people because we all have triggers we’re all choosing someone based off of our childhood right all of us not consciously we all think we’re doing these things consciously it’s all completely just subconscious patterns yeah so we all need to read this book okay on the list put it on the list people all right if you could whisper one phrase to everyone on the planet what

(2:47:58) would it be well i say it all the time be a light but um the reason why is because we just it sounds so cliche but we really don’t know what other people are going through and we really um don’t know what people are hurting over and we don’t know what’s the last straw for them and there’s so much darkness in the world like i mean [Music] it it can be consuming if we think about it too long but if we can just look for the light workers and be the light workers um we can balance it out some i like that

(2:48:34) so if you’re listening to this you already know where to find us here on the magic hour and of course at the magic hour spelled majic on instagram but where else can people find you out there online and such uh everything is at the jade bryce i didn’t have really any social media before i started bellator and um i remember mercedes was like you gotta get twitter and um this is how long ago was she was like twitter was the only thing she was like yeah you gotta get twitter and so um i tried jade brights and it

(2:49:10) was some like 15 year old english girl and um i don’t know like i feel like some of the fighters are like some models that were on there had the in front of their name so i just did that and then i just felt like i had to carry it on to everything else so i don’t really like saying it’s it’s the price i don’t really like saying it but i did it on the spur of the moment when i needed to get twitter and i’m stuck with it well now it’s you it works cool so find her there people and of course we got to break into our magic

(2:49:42) tricks oh yeah yeah what do you got for us today jade what kind of magic besides your entire interview can you so this doesn’t sound like a magic trick because it sounds so normal and just advice like but nothing has changed my life more than um the access of knowledge that like nothing has changed my life more than like being able to just pick up a book on what i need and like devouring it so if i’m struggling with something and i look up that book online and i just find the one that has the best reviews and the most um

(2:50:21) you know life transforming seeming reviews and then i get that one and i just and it almost sounds like i’m distracting myself from the issue that i’m struggling with but i it’s actually a way of like diving into it and i i just don’t put the book down until i feel better until i feel like i’ve i’ve come a little bit closer to where i need to be on the subject if i’m going through a breakup i find some book about breakups if i am dating the same person over and over i get getting the love you

(2:50:51) want if i feel like um i’ve got a conflict in my mind with fear and truth non-stop i get tom’s book life’s operating manual you know it’s like if you’re taking things personal you can get a new earth or um struggling with motivation there’s the motivation manifesto it’s like anything you’re going through there’s a book on it and i feel like we just kind of dismiss like we take them for granted because books have always been around and we we just they’re everywhere and it’s like

(2:51:21) i think we sometimes forget like how um transforming transformative they can be um there is a book on anything i agree now there’s audio books too it makes it even easier for us and podcasts yeah and youtube i mean there’s so many that’s the beauty of living in this age and why i would not want to live in any other era because this accessible knowledge knowledge yeah it’s power and like books have really really really really changed my life because i feel like i’ve become friends with the writer almost like there’s been times

(2:51:56) where i was struggling with depression so bad and i got a million miles in a thousand years by um donald miller and i felt like i went on his journey with him or eat pray love as cliche as that sounds for women going through my divorce i read epray love and it was like you go through the journey with them and they become your friends and it’s almost like you miss them when the book’s done you know so yeah and i’d maybe just find a book i’d offer for anyone who feels like they hate reading that i used to think i

(2:52:29) hated reading i used to think like uh reading’s not for me it’s so boring you know i don’t want to do this when i was in school it would be the least attractive thing for me to do it’s like i don’t want to spend my time doing that and later in life i hit some really deep you know rock bottoms for for my psyche that i had no other choice but to figure out how the hell i was gonna heal myself and so i i you know went to look for the the knowledge that would get me there and a lot of that came

(2:53:01) through books and being that desperate for for help caused me to pick up a book and realize that holy [ __ ] all the information we need in order to heal ourselves is out there at our disposal it’s just a matter of typing in a keyword and literally thousands of options will pop up and it’s just starting somewhere and just looking into it and it will and then you’ll you know you’d you’ll you’ll read a book and it’ll talk about some other book in that book or it’ll talk about some other place that you can find more

(2:53:31) information on a subject you might be interested in or like when you listen to our podcast you probably end up with a list of books by the end of one episode so very quickly just by trying something that might spark your interest or you feel called to will get you down a whole line of other things um more refined for exactly what you’re looking for yeah so to simply put the magic trick find a book that is just related to the topic that you need to work on in your life yeah seek the knowledge it’s right there for

(2:54:04) you i like the knowledge yeah i’m right there with you that’s definitely one of the most powerful things that i ever did in my life was start reading and now i read like maybe too much at all it might be a part of an addiction you know what i mean it’s a whole nother thing but i’m i’m okay with that addiction right now yeah all right so my trick today comes from a guest of honor jade you um so as a young child i i feel like i hardened fairly early on because of some of the things i’d experienced and i even remember that

(2:54:38) i didn’t really cry i literally don’t remember crying for any of my teenage years and later when i when i met you jade um you were just like overflowing with vulnerability and empathy and it actually triggered me um to step into my big sister role which i’ve talked to about and kind of be like protective of you in that sense um but as time has passed i’ve gotten to see how you wield those traits as strengths instead of weaknesses and i’ve learned so so much from you so um i think you learned or understood long before i did that

(2:55:16) hurt people hurt people and that there’s no such thing as evil it’s just pain expressing itself through someone’s reactions and i actually have a story that applies here so i think we may have talked about this on on the podcast before but i’m going to go into it again because it’s worthwhile when we were at bellator um we would do the intros of the show where we would stand in the crowd uh at the fighter walkout area and we’d be in our little booty shorts and halter tops and the crowd would be around us we’d be

(2:55:47) cheering for the opening shot and during one of these times uh you and i were standing there and as we finished that shot the camera man you know walked away and we went to go walk to our seats a woman behind us yelled you got cellulite [ __ ] yeah and it was kind of you know the few people that were standing around there heard and we heard her say that and we were kind of just like oh that was rude and walked to our seats and a little bothered by it but you know this woman was it was like a middle-aged uh plump woman i guess i’ll say

(2:56:20) with um a few other women that were similarly aged and shaped and so we went back to our seats and i and you’re still we were talking about it you know it bothered us and jade you were still considering how you were going to react to this situation because it was hurtful and so you decided and you told me i’m gonna go talk to that woman and i was like wow okay that’s ballsy okay and so you grabbed a security guard and you went to confront her um you know just the security guard is safety just in case anything happened

(2:56:54) there uh and so you you went up to her and you said you know that i heard what you said about me and about my co-co-worker and that was really hurtful um and as women we should support each other and you asked her are you hurting is there a reason that you would say something like that and she started crying this woman and she apologized to you and she said her husband often calls her fat and says mean things to her and so you went to give her a hug and and she kind of just stood stiff you know i’m sure there’s a lot to digest in that

(2:57:31) for her and i was in awe like holy [ __ ] he just [Laughter] she just changed the game for me in that moment i was like what just happened so now i can say jade you taught me how to turn kindness and empathy into a tool of mass deconstruction by finding um a non-violent way to communicate with someone in pain trying to trigger you it was like in that moment i was literally witnessing magic and i’m currently reading one of your favorite books speaking of all the books that we love non-violent communication by marshall rosenberg if you guys want

(2:58:14) to put that on your list too which is largely about how to use compassion empathy and kindness um in order to deconstruct a heated situation in the moment so that you can you can your reaction is helpful rather rather than hurtful so that’s my magic trick for you guys today seek out some tools to become a better communicator and learn how to turn kindness and empathy into a tool of mass deconstruction i like that yeah you articulate it so well oh thanks jake all right that’s it this is a long one guys thanks for sticking with us and i’m

(2:58:58) sure now you are experts on jade brice as am i so um we love you guys and and fam i also wanted to before we sign up sign off i just wanted to mention that if you’re liking what you hear on the show the best way to show us love and to help us get other important guests onto the show is to rate the show five stars right there in your podcast app whatever app you’re listening in we’ll give you that opportunity and if you could kindly write us a review that is how authors and experts and gurus decide if coming on the show is

(2:59:32) worth their time so that would help us so much in growing the show so if you guys like what you’re listening to then please do us that favor yeah that effort from you magic moppers would really do so much to help us along i said that’s how i choose my books so it’s it is how people choose their podcast so thank you guys for spending some time with us today and for taking this journey with us if this episode held some magic for you please also share it with your friends and family and don’t forget to join us on our instagram page

(3:00:01) at the magic hour we appreciate all your feedback and want to know what’s lighting you up and next week we’ll be interviewing mercedes oh yeah stay tuned why am i kind of nervous for that i don’t know i was nervous for this you know me too well she can read my auras and my intimate thoughts in this moment also guys we release a new episode every monday yes mine’s gonna be next monday but we’ve got a whole beautiful library of them stocked up now it’s so cool we can say that because we’ve been doing

(3:00:37) this a whole year so go listen to some of our past episodes a year i know there is a year worth of episodes there’s a whole year worth of episodes and they’re pretty legit i think you’ll find some value in them so we’ll meet you there until then big thank you to at rayton royal for our intro jam and to john aaron garza from real in motion productions for producing the show stay magical friends all right three hours so i think i think it has to be