(00:04) greetings boys and bibs it’s the magic hour a place where we navigate through life’s peaks and valleys with all the vulnerability and shamelessness we can muster with the help of world-class guests from all walks of life we uncover new truths and valuable tools for manifesting our highest potential i’m your host mercedes tarot along with my partner in shine jade rice hey you guys hey you guys i have a really good feeling about the topics we are covering with today’s guests and how they’re going to resonate with you guys we’ve

(00:37) heard a lot of interest and feedback from you magic mobbers about how phrases like toxic masculinity are used and how we women may be harming our relationships through emasculation of our men which includes our own toxic tendencies we know that both men and women are frustrated with trying to navigate the silent war we seem to be having between the genders and so i think today’s conversation will really help to alleviate some of that strife today’s guest will shed some light on how we can all be better at connecting with people

(01:06) of the opposite sex in and out of relationship and how we can lay down our swords so to speak and move toward unity instead of separation so with that mercedes let’s get her on let’s do it a voice for feminine transformation and sensual awakening our guest is not only empowering the women she works with but is consequently making much needed space and foundation for men to embody their own power and divine nature as a relationship and sex empowerment coach lover writer heart opener paradigm shifter and sensuality fiend she

(01:41) navigates the realm of sexual polarity energetic agility and sacred sexuality with grace and ease setting a beautiful example of how we can all support the planet’s embodied ascension assisting her female clients in taking what she calls the sacred [ __ ] out of their closets and using her to manifest a turned on life it’s our guest’s specialty and in doing this she simultaneously allows men a chance to step toward their own healthy masculinity and strengths an expert in pleasure sex and intimacy

(02:15) her life’s work is in healing the universal feminine heart and helping women rise into the embodiment of who they came here to be i couldn’t be more thrilled to introduce ashay sandara to the magic hour um does that make sense that pisa says sega out of their closets and using her to manifest a turned on life is our guest specialty and in doing this she simultaneously allows men a chance to step toward their own healthy masculinity and strengths okay i just wanted to get the men in there but you know sometimes it’s not really

(02:53) possible but because she has the letting him rise thing it seems like that’s important for her yeah okay you want to go through one more greetings boys and babes it’s the magic hour a place where we navigate through life’s peaks and valleys with all the vulnerability and shamelessness we can muster with the help of world-class guests from all walks of life we uncover new truths and valuable tools for manifesting our highest potential i’m your host mercedes terrell along with my partner in shine jade bryce hey

(03:30) you guys i have a really good feeling about the topics we’re going to cover today with today’s guest and how they’re going to resonate with y’all we’ve heard a lot of interest and feedback from you magic mobbers about how phrases like toxic masculinity are used and how we women may be harming our relationships through emasculation of our men which includes our own toxic tendencies we know that both men and women are frustrated with trying to navigate the silent war we seem to be having between

(03:58) the genders and so i think today’s conversation will really help to alleviate some of that strife today’s guest will shed some light on how we can all be better at connecting with people of the opposite sex in and out of relationship and how we can lay down our swords so to speak and move towards unity instead of separation so with that mercedes let’s get her on let’s do it a voice for feminine transformation and sensual awakening our guest is not only empowering the women she works with but is consequently making the much needed

(04:30) space and foundation for men to embody their own power and divine nature as a relationship and sex empowerment coach lover writer heart opener paradigm shifter and sensuality fiend she navigates the realm of sexual polarity energetic agility and sacred sexuality with grace and ease setting a beautiful example of how we can all support the planet’s embodied ascension assisting her female clients in taking what she calls the sacred [ __ ] out of their closets and using her to manifest a turned on life is our guest’s specialty and in doing

(05:08) this she is simultaneously allowing men a chance to step toward their own healthy masculinity and strength an expert in pleasure sex and intimacy her life’s work is in healing the universal feminine heart and helping women rise into the embodiment of who they came here to be i couldn’t be more thrilled to introduce ashay sandara to the magic hour i feel like that could still use one more read be honest [Laughter] um i’m gonna try and get one more in sure my voice keeps wanting to go out me too all right hopefully

(05:51) hopefully we’re smokers i know what’s wrong with us over here okay greetings boys and babes it’s the magic hour a place where we navigate through life’s peaks and valleys with all the vulnerability and shamelessness we can muster with the help of world-class guests from all walks of life we uncover new truths and valuable tools for manifesting our highest potential i’m your host mercedes terrell along with my partner in shine jade bryce hey you guys i have a really good feeling about the topics we are going to

(06:28) be covering with today’s guest and how they’re going to resonate with y’all we’ve heard a lot of interest and feedback from you magic moppers about how phrases like toxic masculinity are used and how we women may be harming our relationships through emasculation of our men which includes our own toxic tendencies we know that both men and women are frustrated with trying to navigate the silent war we seem to be having between the genders and so i think today’s conversation will really help to alleviate some of that strife

(06:57) today’s guest will shed some light on how we can all be better at connecting with people of the opposite sex in and out of relationship and how we can lay down our swords so to speak and move towards unity instead of separation so with that mercedes let’s get her on let’s do it a voice for feminine transformation and sensual awakening our guest is not only empowering the women she works with but is consequently making the much needed space and foundation for men to embody their own power and divine nature

(07:29) as a sex and relationship empowerment coach lover writer a heart opener paradigm shifter and sensuality fiend she navigates the realm of sexual polarity energetic agility and sacred sexuality with grace and ease setting a beautiful example of how we can all support the planet’s embodied ascension assisting her female clients in taking what she calls the sacred [ __ ] out of their closets and using her to manifest a turned on life is our guest’s specialty and in doing this she simultaneously allows men

(08:05) a chance to step toward their own healthy masculinity and strengths an expert in pleasure sex and intimacy her life’s work is in healing the universal feminine heart and helping women rise into the embodiment of who they came here to be i couldn’t be more thrilled to introduce ashay sandara to the magic hour okay john just use that one i guess i’m gonna read though when she gets on yeah yeah if you want yeah i probably should because she probably like it okay i don’t know if she’s well i don’t know she’s been on a

(08:40) lot of podcasts but they they don’t always do that so [Music] i mean i keep not blocking the tickets because um me pause this okay are you all set on your side with your mic is that uh picking up do you have a mic on your the headphones okay cool yeah and it’s all connected there i just want to make sure we have that going all right so what i’m going to do is read your your bio your intro and then we’ll just get into questions because we’ve got so much for you i don’t want to waste any time

(09:25) so much good stuff to talk about we’re huge fans of yours so we’re so excited to be honest with you thank you thank you and just wondering did we where did you get the bio is it from my website oh no i made it it’s a large uh compilation it’s some of it’s from your website is there anything that you don’t like something that’s not current you want redacted which i could pull out if anything is something i plug um i i mean i don’t know what you gathered so okay you just i can just say it and we

(09:57) can edit it out yeah if it if there’s something in there then after i’m done call it out and we’ll edit it out and i’ll just re-record that without whenever you’re not on okay okay cool all right and so just so you know the video that we’re recording as well we use little pieces for our promo clips but yeah i told her i’ll use it for it okay yeah cool feel good with that cool a voice for feminine transformation and sensual awakening our guest is not only empowering the women she works with but

(10:28) is consequently making the much needed space and foundation for men to embody their own power and divine nature as a relationship and sex empowerment coach lover writer heart opener paradigm shifter and sensuality fiend she navigates the realm of sexual polarity energetic agility and sacred sexuality with grace and ease setting a beautiful example of how we can all support the planet’s embodied ascension assisting her female clients in taking what she calls the sacred [ __ ] out of their closets and using her to manifest

(11:01) a turned on life is our guest’s specialty and in doing this she simultaneously allows men a chance to step towards their own healthy masculinity and strength an expert pleasure sex and intimacy her life’s work is in healing the universal feminine heart and helping women rise into the embodiment of who they came here to be i couldn’t be more thrilled to introduce ashay sandara to the magic hour yay hi that was so beautiful thank you thank you we’re so glad to have you here yeah so ashay we always like to get to know

(11:39) our guests a little bit before jumping into their work so could you share with us your story that led you to doing the work you’re doing now yeah absolutely so when i think back to it there were two big initiations or portals that really opened me to this work one of which was in high school i was in a relationship i thought i was in love but there were all kinds of toxic behaviors going on our sex life was not great at all internally my body knew this guy is cheating on me but he was such a massive manipulator that i stayed in the

(12:20) connection for two years and so it was like just crazy i basically made myself nuts because my body was telling me one thing and i knew it on such a deep level but then i allowed myself to get manipulated so that’s one piece and then the second piece was that when i was in college a little bit later down the road i got super sick i lost my menstrual menstrual cycle for two years i had like all kinds of health stuff come up and in that time i also was not letting myself go on dates i was super self-conscious because i had acne

(13:00) and all kinds of stuff that was going on so once again that was another initiation time of my life where my body was speaking super loud wanting to be seen online to share my gifts to go on dates but i stopped myself from fear and so so much of my journey has been about reclaiming my body’s wisdom and intuition and voice and listening to the messages that come and reclaiming my sexuality was the pathway that unlocked all of those doorways and that power and that ability to really hear my body be with my body and do life

(13:43) from that space yeah that’s beautiful we’re so glad you’re here doing the work now so i’m sorry for all the traumas that that caused you to hear we’re all benefiting yeah we’re all benefiting from this um so what is the closeted [ __ ] that lives in all of us women that you speak about so i wrote that on my website and you know as as women and as men as humans we have access to all kinds of archetypes inside of ourselves we have access to the good girl the madonna we have access to the darkness right the sorceress the

(14:25) witch we have access to a wide variety of archetypes and one of the archetypes that gets shamed and shunned and told as and seen as wrong is the [ __ ] or the woman that is deeply connected and desires sex desire sexuality and so there’s a lot of people doing work around their spiritual awakening or healing and their all heart chakra and third eye and kundalini and breath work and my route is really through that that archetype the the sexuality and embracing and re-bringing the innocence back to this part and this archetype inside of us all

(15:11) hmm yeah i feel like that’s a that’s a struggle you know maybe this will resonate with you when i say it but a common struggle we tend to have as you know quote-unquote sexy models with um like a largely male audience on our personal accounts anyway it seems that people don’t want to believe that you can be okay with showing your skin and having you know being okay with your sexuality being okay expressing that openly um and also have something intelligent to say and it’s like one or the other yeah it’s

(15:45) like they want one of the box and um i know that many certainly seem to have a perspective that no one will listen to a sexy model chick who’s trying to relate to the world through sexy imagery but here on the show you know um we have basically tried to build our platform as a bridge so that’s what we kind of call it a bridge to invite our followers to cross over and open their eyes to the fact that sexuality and sensuality can be the invitation to explore what lies beneath it and there’s really nothing wrong with

(16:22) that route in in our minds anyway maybe you’ll prove us wrong right now maybe i don’t know where you’re at with that so i’d be curious to know your thoughts on that kind of dynamic um yeah i think that there’s a lot of things there one of which is i feel that it’s really old first of all of course it’s a very old paradigm to think that you have to choose intellect or sexuality and i think that that comes from just general feminine and masculine principles right because the feminine

(16:52) energetic is love and connection and beauty and pleasure and the masculine energetic is more the mind and the doing and the action and so it’s it’s old paradigm and so what we’re doing is what by bringing through our intelligence and our sexiness at the same time is we’re re-integrating that whole paradigm into something new and people are shifting and awakening into what’s possible now i feel that because i i know for myself that i feel expressed and radiant when i am sharing my sensuality or or images of myself that i am portraying

(17:43) as like me in pleasure or in sensuality or my body but where i feel it tips over right is doing it that in a way that heart is self-harming and that could be like i need to do this or no one will follow me if i don’t do this or it’s what every it’s what gets all the likes or it’s what’s popular all of that stuff is is not coming from a a place of deep self love and balance yeah and so it can eventually and over time create yeah more imbalance and it can create an unhealthy relationship with social media

(18:25) with your followers with who’s attracted to you so i find that yeah if you’re coming from a place of self-expression and also we need more women to show themselves loving themselves in this way because it’s it’s an invitation for others to do the same and so there’s a difference between just like in my mind posting an image of yourself because it’s quote-unquote sexy versus you feel sexy in it which is actually liberation yeah and there’s so much in there i mean you know for me i feel like when

(19:04) i started on social media when i started in my modeling career i know now looking back you know hindsight’s 20 20 that a lot of that was because i was attached to the idea of the validation that it would give me an attached to whatever that um you know pick me up or that boost it would give me egoically was and it’s been a long road getting to where i don’t feel like i’m so attached to that you know but there’s still that’s part of my character at some point you know it’s still going to be in there somewhere

(19:32) there’s going to be those stories that still live in me um and so i continue to work through those yeah i do think it’s a matter of figuring out how to make it a balance because you know getting validation that way is it comes with the territory first of all but it’s also um i’m trying to figure out where validation or like seeking validation where is the healthy point of it and where it becomes exploitive and unhealthy and i think you spoke a lot to it there and then the other piece is that the the [ __ ] shaming which is like

(20:04) a whole new you know epidemic that i think we’re really getting close to squashing so i feel good about about that corner returning and that’s something i also you know wasn’t i don’t have any um i have some things to not be proud of in my past where i was shaming the women in my life for what they were doing even though i was seeking validation in the ways i just described so it’s just an interesting thing that we’re you know we’re so living in these egos that just entrap us in all these stories and make

(20:31) everything we’re doing right and the rest of the world wrong in terms of your validation piece i want to share it that i when you when validation is so healthy actually to actually be praised like the feminine grows from praise and from being seen as radiant and as beauty it’s like a flower given great water it’s like it wants to grow right and so the feminine is very much like that and we want to grow it that way and so that’s that’s really pointing me toward everyone who has a strong social media

(21:08) presence make your circle of women around you in your one-on-one life and your intimate life and your friendship and your sister circles create that that validation there and and really praise each other and see each other in those spaces because i find that once you feel so full in your personal life it’s almost like the social media becomes an extension of it and you don’t necessarily need the masses to to validate you when you’re getting it in your personal life you’re also getting it of course from yourself and

(21:44) your own practices that you do with you but definitely in connection with other women it’s so powerful to really give that to each other to really see like wow this is where you’re shining this is where you’re radiant this is where you are so unique this is what you do better than anyone else that kind of stuff really helps us grow yeah we know there’s not so much of that um you know seeking for for using us for sex or something attached to it when it’s coming from our female friends yeah

(22:15) yeah and you know it’s funny jade i’m sorry to interrupt you but um we you know the same idea we dress for women we dress for our friends when we go out it’s not really as much for guys because they don’t give two shits really what you’re wearing if it’s sexy it’s sexy if it’s not it’s not that’s pretty much how far it goes so yeah i think there’s a lot of ways that being in women’s groups and and being closer with your friends and also speaking beauty into them and

(22:40) making that part of your practice can probably really um help to get to a healthy place with validation thank you for that i’m curious just because you’re so articulate in this area um i had done a post just about what mercedes was saying about how we’re trying to be this bridge and how um it you brought up if you’re doing it for the likes but so if i post a video um and what i’m wearing it doesn’t really get any views and then the message isn’t heard um the message about whatever our topic is of this week

(23:13) whether it’s narcissism or um you know your shadow self whatever the topic is however if i um if it if i am showing a lot of skin it gets so many more views and and then the message is heard and my hopes is that a man who um likes to see a video of a girl in um you know showing more skin then hears that message when he wouldn’t have you know scenes planted anyway yeah and so it’s at least this bridge that mercedes talks about but um i had posted about that and one of the comments that i got said um

(23:50) except except it’s not just that it’s the sexual objection of your body you use your sexuality to get attention and an audience many women and girls do this personally i think there is nothing wrong with it and you should be free to do as you please but let’s be honest about it in a time where many women are screaming at men to stop objectifying them it makes it all ridiculous when so many other women are seeking men to do just that trying to mix the two messages is very tricky you can’t effectively say

(24:18) look at my tits and ass and now listen to my message no one but people like yourself will take you seriously um i was curious like i wanted to respond but i couldn’t articulate my feelings in a way and i feel like um then i just i go to your page and i feel like i’m like saying it but oh i’d love to respond to that yeah i feel with this i feel that we all have our own dharma we all have our own way like our soul guides us to what is our path and if if your being like your deepest being in resonance is telling you that this is

(24:58) the path for you then that’s the path for you right if you’re if if if you’re showing up with more skin and internally you’re feeling like i hate this why do i have to do this but you’re doing it anyways that’s selling yourself but if you’re like look i’m an empowered woman i know that this is going to work and i’m doing it and that’s feels good to me then gay then that’s your past and that and that’s that should be celebrated and i think that at any time we as women are

(25:28) slut-shaming each other for our past we’re still a part of the vicious cycle and so how can we celebrate each other each other’s own journey like if you want to be a stripper yay if you want to dance on the pole yay if you want to cover your skin completely and not show yourself yay like it’s really as long as it’s all about a personal preference yeah it’s all about what you want it’s about being honest with yourself because so many of us can’t be honest with ourselves and then we judge the women

(25:57) that are doing it in a way that is a trigger to our own shadow or our own repression inside of ourselves right like if a woman’s not comfortable wearing a bikini on camera of course she’s going to judge you for wearing a bikini on camera right and so i don’t see there to be one way or another it’s really just about what is what is fueling your mission and if this if if showing your skin is empowering to you if you feel good doing it if you get more views and it actually you’re getting the right kind of views

(26:31) too because that’s another thing that i would look at right if it’s bringing the right kind of audience to you because it sounds like your audience you want to bring men who would be more attracted to women and skin so you can support them and so it sounds like it is of support to you and so it’s just really about is this serving me on the deepest level i like that it’s good guidance yeah thank you yeah yeah yeah yeah jade you have the next question mercedes no oh i’m so sorry [Laughter] um okay

(27:13) it’s so long i don’t remember you talking that much okay we’ll edit this out so with all the talk of toxic masculinity today i’d love to get a good definition from you of what toxic masculinity is versus healthy masculinity okay so i don’t use the term toxic masculinity ever i believe that men have toxic patterns and behaviors and women also have toxic patterns and behaviors when we say something such as toxic masculinity we’re we’re imprinting that as a reality and we’re relating the word masculinity

(27:58) which is an a beautiful word to the word toxic and so i actually don’t like to combine the two and create a sort of term around it now there’s definite like the way that i like to use quote unquote the healthy masculine is the divine masculine or the initiated masculine or the king archetype and i say initiated masculine because you know a lot of the men that are experienced producing toxic behaviors and are being quote unquote called toxic masculinity they’re men that haven’t learned from their fathers or from their tribe or

(28:38) from the people the men around them what is healthy masculinity what is a way to show up as a man like this is this is the state of the world that we’re in right now is that the men are all waking up going wait what how do i actually be a man in this world we were taught so many lies right and in a lot of ways we’re also as women doing the same um so so yeah there’s lots of toxic behaviors that that men exhibit there’s lots of toxic behaviors that women exhibit uh but to give you the comparison right

(29:18) and kind of a framework for what the sort of divine masculine or the initiated masculine is is uh i see this as a man who is has entered his heart like his his his energy is more heart focused and heart centered whether that’s in leaving leading his business leading his kids leading his date like it’s coming from more of a heart-centered space um he’s deeply present to himself first and foremost to his thoughts to his mind and to his body because he can’t be the he can’t be present with us he can’t be

(29:59) present on a date he can’t be present uh during sex if he’s not aware of what’s actually happening in his body in his mind what he thought about a five minutes ago that was a pattern from childhood right like the the healthy masculine is is cultivating awareness to himself to and then he can offer a presence to the feminine and he can just be presence present in his life and so yeah and then like integrity is a big one um the masculine is also a master of time and space so he’s able to like be

(30:37) on time and have things organized right and honest honesty honesty is a big one and a lot of this it takes a lot of work and a lot of practice and a lot of being around this energy and i think that a lot of times the term toxic masculinity gets thrown around because men from a certain group of consciousness like to hang out together and so the best thing to do is to follow people or invest in programs and offerings from men from the masculine that are holding space for men to rise one of my teachers and highest recommendations is john wineland

(31:20) for any man yeah i just did a he’s my magic trick deep dive intense yeah just did a four day retreat with him and it was just so pretty so yeah yeah incredible and and um toxic masculinity when i i when i hear the term it kind of triggers me to tie those two words together as if all masculinity when we’re talking about an energy that embod you know we’re all half in body bodybodying or not half you know what i’m saying we both we all have masculinity in us um whether we identify as a woman or man

(31:54) and that idea of you know i don’t want to get people into the idea of that’s what that term means toxic masculinity does not mean that all masculinity is toxic and i also think that there’s this piece of um women can embody toxic masculinity in just the same way where we’re overly rigid where we’re not empathetic we’re not coming from that heart center like you’re saying um or we’re not doing things from a place of love so yeah there’s so many different terms getting thrown around today though i

(32:24) feel like it’s really hard to navigate it unless you have like a a new agey uh dictionary with you at all times um so yeah thank you for thank you for explaining that for us and i like that um the other terms that you’re using in place of that that seems really solid so there is a kind of silent war between the genders it seems and i’m sure that what you just spoke on there plays into all of that and plays into how we’re going after separation a lot of the time instead of this union that you speak to

(32:57) so can you put some words to that for us the war between the genders yeah so we are naturally different and that is our gift but it’s also what makes us not understand each other it’s what makes us fight it’s what makes us because our a feminine essence to brain is thinking that all brains are feminine essence and then a masculine essence brain is thinking that all brains are masculine essence and so we get into relationship and what we don’t realize is that this person is very different than we are and we are not

(33:41) taught the differences we’re not taught the how to engage how to communicate in a way that serves that person’s brain that person’s experience that person’s body and nervous system and so i what happens is that we get into these relationships because there’s chemistry there’s attraction of course there’s beauty there’s love but when we don’t actually know how to relate and honor each other’s differences we end up hiding things lying doing things behind each other’s backs um we end up yelling

(34:14) we end up saying things in ways that hurts the other we end up emasculating we end up de-feminizing which is something that i say we end up i’m hurting each other really and so and that’s been going on for a very long time and so right now i feel like is a really special time because we’re in a time where we’re actually realizing that and now we get to bring it all into awareness and realize how we have been tearing each other down and hurting each other and even if we are in a quote-unquote healthy relationship we’re

(34:53) committed we’re loving we’re not betraying each other we’re communicating we can still hurt each other a lot in that and so we have so much work to do in terms of unraveling all of the patterns and they really are just that they’re patterns that stem from a very long time ago and yeah we need to we need to start taking a look at that like how we are different and celebrating each other’s differences so that we can stop ending as so we can put an end to that fight that war that’s happening between the sexes the

(35:28) separation yeah back to unity get back to communion and get back to connection i love that okay so this is an excerpt from your site where you say as women who are badass we start trusting our own inner masculine more than we trust his and we when we do that we start throwing off the polarity and passion in the relationship so in this culture of women feeling this need to be hyper masculine in order to measure up and because in our culture it’s socially acceptable to emasculate our men unfortunately um how do we identify

(36:09) where we are emasculating our men let’s start there yeah so with this quote i want to point out that it’s very subtle right we might in our minds go oh but i trust him but the thing is is that if we’re really good at getting our work done if we’re really good at showing up on time for the podcast if we’re really good at organizing our work day and doing all these things we automatically are building a lot of trust with our inner masculine we’re we’re really saying like i can show up i can get things done i

(36:44) can get make money i can do all these things which are all very masculine energetics so when in relationship to a man it’s important to take a look at if that part of us is overpowering his because the the masculine in relationship is leadership right it’s a lot about being able and the feminine is being able to be led being able to receive being able to follow and to be guided and so a really simple example is if you as the women are always choosing where you go on a date for example like you don’t

(37:24) allow him to choose maybe you trust that you’ll choose the better restaurant maybe you trust that you’ll get there on time maybe you’ll trust right you you start trusting your own mind and your own direction more than his and when you do this it automatically puts him in into more of his feminine because again this is the polarity and so if we want amazing sex we want amazing polarity as well it doesn’t matter if we’re talking about a male female relationship or it doesn’t matter what gender you are

(37:58) but we do want that polarity and masculine and feminine to have that that deep passion a dynamic passion between the two poles so um let’s see what else did i want to say about that so yeah so in turn in terms of really those emasculation patterns we want to look at how one how we are unconsciously uh leading and not letting him lead right and then we want to soften and surrender into our feminine and be able to be led that’s one way we also want to look at any and all ways that we are incred criticizing him

(38:44) get that out we want to look at any ways that we are criticizing him and this can be really subtle so again uh this is why it’s we kind of need to tease these out and kind of study the way that we relate because saying something such as i don’t i don’t like that shirt you can say that in a way that doesn’t come off as criticism if you can say something like you look really good how about blue instead to match those pants right so you’re not tearing down his choice because in criticism there’s more of a chance for

(39:22) emasculation right um another way that is not really talked about in terms of emasculation is around our sexual patterns and if we are faking our pleasure or faking our orgasms or we’re not fully present in the sexual experience like there’s a lot of women if they’ll just experience their man coming at them a certain way wanting sex in a certain pattern or a certain position they’ll just numb out but that is really emasculating a man because you’re not drawing his presence forward by that you’re not drawing his consciousness and

(40:01) his his embodiment forward by going numb and you’re especially not drawing yours out either and so in those situations whatever situation however your man is coming to you for sex do not numb out do not fake your pleasure do not leave and go somewhere else like can you embody yourself and if you’re not liking it can you communicate can you dance a certain way can you move to a different corner of the bed like wake yourself up in the experience and then that will wake him up as well so these are some ways and i do want to

(40:38) point out too that also it’s important to note that a man that is super in his divine masculine or in his king archetype he he can’t get emasculated so this is just an interesting little um piece to recognize is that any attempt that a woman will make to emasculate a man if he’s already there like he’s actually been initiated and he’s holding a very strong level of presence already he’s going to point it out and be like you’re doing that right he’s actually not going to allow himself

(41:12) to be emasculated but but the thing is is that we’re just not there like most of the world is not there and so it’s important to know that they’re not victims right they’re also having choice in every single moment of relationship we both are in choice but yeah these are some ways that we can emasculate our men i i’m so guilty of all of it too uh exactly we all are and i’m hoping to get better at it but i like how you said um the criticism i think it also goes into like that book non-violent communication

(41:48) like always just adding like a please or something instead of it being a command um like if they feel like they’re um we’re the boss of them like that’s not very sexy or their mother yeah yeah but if we want them to be the boss of us right we want them to be like take your shirt off okay yeah yeah yeah so we need to switch those roles that was a really helpful book non-violence oh yeah that is a good one and i wanted to say that there’s like a slippery slope there that i just want to definitely

(42:17) touch on in case anyone listening is going what about narcissists you know like what about someone that’s deeply narcissistic in a very unhealthy sense um if your partner you know let’s say the man in the situation is in a place that is unhealthy and it’s causing the woman to essentially be the victim in that circumstance and yes we want to be led and we want to have that um partner that’s able to to lead us and be able to trust him to lead us and not lead us into a dark place how do we navigate something like that

(42:53) do you have any tips on that oh my gosh well if you know that you if you consciously know that you’re in that you either leave or get help like right away because that’s abusive right you usually don’t know though right right you usually don’t know and so but at the same time if i would say something that is like why i got into this work the original piece of my story is that you actually do know like deep down like deep deep deep down you actually do know and actually the more yeah and actually like the more intimate

(43:33) you are with yourself like spend more time alone out of outside of the relationship send spend more time in a personal self-pleasure practice where you’re being intimate with your body you’re actually feeling your body because in a self-pleasure practice like you have to feel your emotions you have to feel your blockages you have to feel all the places that you’re holding on to and so the more self-intimate you can be the more real you can also be with what’s actually going on inside of your relationship like spend time sleeping

(44:07) alone self-pleasure alone going on walks in nature alone spend more time alone um if you’re even considering that you might be in an unhealthy dynamic right um it’s a great and and and yeah you you do know deep down it’s just about getting quiet enough to to really hear that message um but one thing that i will say is that i think that a lot of us get into unhealthy relationships for a couple reasons i think one we don’t feel worthy of what we really want which is deep in there and again that self-intimacy work is really going to

(44:49) help unleash and release that um so we don’t feel worthy of what we really desire and what we really want another thing is that we get we allow ourselves to lean in to sexual intimacy probably too soon into interaction with someone before we can really tune in to and feel if we want to be energetically connected to them in that way because when for a woman for most women when you have sex you’re opening your emotions too you’re opening your heart it’s a it’s an emotional experience as well and

(45:28) sometimes when we’re not fully sure and then we open that way we can lean in we can feel really connected but we don’t really know the person well enough we don’t we haven’t seen enough of their patterns to really really know so that’s another way like there’s a lot of there’s a lot of pieces that we can really be aware of at the very beginning of a relationship that we can you know quote unquote look for the red flags but yeah it’s really just about going slow and allowing our bodies to attune to

(45:57) this person to how they’re continually showing up not who they say they are because that’s a big thing with narcissists is they can look really good on paper like they can their job can be great their friends are made great they’re charming all of those things but it’s how are they actually showing up consistently yeah yeah that’s that’s huge it’s a you know it seems like such a big responsibility to take on that self-work especially if that’s the first time you’re deciding to to

(46:29) look into that if you’re hearing this and going what does that even mean you know but there are so many ways that you can begin to do that shadow work and just just just you know hit the tip of the iceberg and see what happens i think that yeah when you step towards your true self in that way it meets you more than halfway you know it’s it’s comes and and uh finds a middle ground with you very quickly so i don’t know it might sound too out there to understand but um yeah thank you for that what about um

(47:03) is it it can it be emasculating when we’re trying to um i guess ask our men to be more conscious or to grow with us can that sometimes um be emasculating because uh it’s like everything i say is emasculating these days like everything i’m just like i gotta just i don’t even know how to articulate this question um you know what i mean like here yeah so there’s two different pieces it’s almost like you’re telling them he’s not enough right right right so there’s two different pieces to this

(47:38) there’s one piece of requesting that requesting growth in on a large scale in relationship versus a moment a moment of requesting presence so these are two different topics i’ll cover both so if you’re wanting him to be present in the moment like let’s say you’re on a date and he like whips out his phone and you’re like what [ __ ] that doesn’t feel good or like you’re you’re like um being intimate you’re kissing and then all of a sudden he’s like watching tv and it just like doesn’t feel good to

(48:09) you instead of saying or pointing out you’re not being present or where are you or what happened you can let him know through your body that it’s not working so you might go ugh or you might you might like tap him on the shoulder and like do a little cute little nudge or you might pull him into you but let him know through your body and one of the things that i like the masculine like men want to make women happy like they just they do they just don’t know when they’re not being conscious or present in a moment and so

(48:44) instead of using the first things first instead of using words try first and foremost using sounding and using the body body language to call him back in to the moment um and um you can do that through frustration you can do that through showing frustration you can do that through through showing pleasure maybe he you’re not even frustrated you just want his attention and then you like start touching yourself and you’re like look over here right and you just call him into you you allow him to become more present through how you’re being

(49:18) with yourself and then the second energetic is um if you’re in a long-term relationship and you either want to do sex therapy or couples therapy or you want your partner to go to men’s work you you just let’s say you’re a woman and you’re doing a lot of personal development growth and you want your partner to also be on that same page um a really good way to to introduce it or to ask it is to not do it from a place of you need to or this has to happen or you’re wrong if this doesn’t

(49:52) happen but kind of like a hey like i found this what do you think about this like have a conversation about it truly just uh talk to talk to him like you’re actually curious comment it from a place of inquiry like what do you think it would be like if we went to this or what do you think it would be like if we read this book together right i found this book i really like it and i’m curious about reading it with you how would you feel about that right so you’re inviting you’re inviting him and

(50:18) then he can make his own choice which is a completely different energetic than um i need us to go to therapy together right it’s a command yeah versus an invitation yeah oh i got some work to do girls i’ve got so much fun with you and everything for me feels like you know it’s coming from this like shame core so then my when i’m triggered in one of the ways you might just mentioned of him not being president or whatever my initial reaction is to be reactionary instead of responsive first of all but also to

(50:54) come at it at a sense of like how can i shame you into doing what i want which is like the worst most terrible thing to admit but that is you know where i’m at what can i tell you guys um thank you for being so honest honestly i’ve spent a large portion of my last relationship in that which is like how i learned so much about this was because i was experiencing it and i was going i don’t want to be this i don’t want to do this anymore this dynamic doesn’t work because honestly it doesn’t feel good

(51:22) for us either so if it’s emasculating them this is a really good point that if any of our behaviors are emasculating them it’s also bringing us out of our center because we want to be in pleasure and in love and in truth and honoring our partners that’s the core of like who we are we want to be in a powerful relationship that’s really honoring on both sides and so just realizing that okay i have these patterns is a step and i want to not do it to him anymore but also like the real shift and the

(51:58) like it can start happening way faster and on a deeper level when we go actually i don’t want to be this for me anymore like i don’t want to be this version of myself right it is very much a shared suffering and yeah it’s just again like owning up to your patterns becoming responsible for your piece of this and i find that usually it’s all me and i’m like okay i got a lot of work to do but i’ll get there girls i’ll get there um all right so we have spoken already a lot about the masculine

(52:29) feminine energies and i want to get a little deeper into that but we’ve had the pleasure on the show of exploring um those characteristics of the masculine and feminine energies with other guests who’ve come on so if you’re if you’re listening right now and you’re new to these terms we’d invite you to go back and listen to the episodes we did with london angel winters or her husband justin patrick pierce or maddie moon there’s other there’s others in there but what i want to know from you ashay

(52:55) is how do we become more aware of the the um i’m more aware and maybe just conscious of which energies we are embodying at any given moment which energy we’re in at that moment and then once we’re aware how do we shift it if we want to aka energetic agility right like how do we get there yeah so when we’re in a feminine space we’re in like an inner we’re in the inner realms so we’re in feeling we’re in emotion we’re in pleasure we’re in an experience with our inner being and

(53:33) with our body our physical body so that could be movement of emotion movement of the body movement of and trauma right and so all of that is a deep feminine space it’s also slow it’s also there’s like a lot of softness in that space and the masculine space is more of a projecting energy so it’s more doing and creating and envisioning and we can be in both energies at the same time so for example today i’m doing a lot of body healing these days and i’m healing my my spine i’m doing work with my spine but

(54:12) anyways i was working and i was typing and i was doing but i was like laying in bed and not only was i laying in bed because that’s just the physical but my actual inner energetics were deep internal so i was working but i was deeply present with myself and i and in that moment i said wow this is the perfect balance i felt 50 50.

(54:36) masculine and feminine where i was really connected to what was happening in my body and my breath and just the inner realms of my mind and my thoughts and what was going on but i was also focused and i was also producing and i was also creating and so the more you just ask on a regular basis where am i literally just that question to yourself and start feeling am i connected to my inner realm am i connected to feeling am i connected to emotion because that will help you feel if you’re in the feminine space and i if you can identify if

(55:12) you’re in the feminine space or not you’ll be able to tell and most people are existing for the most part in a masculine space as we have moved into a more healing culture self-care culture there is more feminine energetics definitely showing up but for the most part a lot of us are in a masculine energetic we’re getting up with an alarm we’re making breakfast we’re working we’re going to the gym and again like i said you can do a lot of these things from a feminine space it’s just about bringing that awareness

(55:44) of how can i do this more softly how can i do this while also feeling what’s going on for me so that i might be making a smoothie but i’m really also like swaying my hips and i’m breathing into my body and i’m feeling right and so that’s how we kind of get awareness to what’s going on where we are and then find where we want to be and so that’s how we if when we can recognize that we move into the other one a little more gracefully because we’re just becoming aware and then we

(56:13) have some we’ve listened to this podcast so we have the tools of how to get into the other space if we want to be you know playing the other role for some reason or another ah okay i like that i wanted to ask off of that is there like right now i’m in the last phase of my moon cycle about to start my period in a few days so this is what i am the most masculine of all my you know months so much today yeah not you me me no but we’re on the same day both of us get in the same realm we know um how do we navigate that piece of it or

(56:50) have you found any luck in in how to navigate the different phases of our cycles and where we seem to be energetically prone to in those in those phases yeah it’s just about really awareness like some women for example are suit like cannot work at all when they’re bleeding don’t like to don’t feel the productivity uh and so listen to that follow that right it’s about becoming aware of where you’re at in your cycle so if in this stage right now right before you bleed it’s the ludial phase if you’re in this

(57:24) phase and you have so much energy it’s like great use that to its maximum potential right knowing that probably in a week or two you’re not going to be there right so how can you maybe schedule more of your calls or more of the tests more of your product productivity things in this phase right before you bleed so that when you do start bleeding you can give yourself rest if that’s what your body calls for you can go slower you can take days for self-care it’s really just about knowing your cycle because again all of us are

(57:58) different there are potent there are some patterns right there are some patterns around our energy levels but also it varies so notice where you’re the most energized where you’re the most depleted and when you are the most energized go for it yes uh and i noticed that when i’m in this um it’s weird because it’s like when i’m in this hyper masculine mode i’m also most uh sexually charged or i have a that type of energy and it my husband already knows you know that this is he doesn’t

(58:37) probably want to be around me but of course that’s an issue because this is what i’m most sexually charged and so he’s kind of in an opposite cycle to me sometimes which is interesting we’re still investigating how to work through all that but um how do we i mean i’m just i guess i’m just curious of how do we get men to be more excited about knowing about these phases with us and so that we can explore them and also both be conscious of like here’s what i’m going through right now

(59:12) and here’s how you know it’s it’s best to interact with me so it’s happier in the household totally i feel like that stems from just that inner excitement right if we want our partners to be excited about something we embody it ourselves so cultivating that in inner excitement of really mapping out your energy levels and your mood and your digestion and all the all these things your libido so that you know so that you can get excited about sharing it and again i mean it’s one of those things where

(59:46) it’s like you can’t necessarily make someone excited about something you don’t want to be excited about my cycle you can communicate how it would touch your heart how you would make your happy and make you feel loved if he tuned into it and if he was more aware of it right so bring it back to like a love language bring it back to him like loving you really by tuning in to that yeah and anyone listening if you’re a guy i’m just as this is a magic trick right now that ashay’s giving you because if you are if you go up to your

(1:00:23) chicken you’re like hey i really want to get attuned and aligned with what’s going on with your body and your cycle and like how we can navigate any of the feelings and emotions you’re going through you’ve got yeah winner sign me up all right so um i feel like when we’re running around being these you know boss babes and living in this overly masculine culture that breeds the glorification of busy and pushes us towards these abrasive ways of being that it can be really challenging to step back into our

(1:00:55) feminine and i know you’ve given us some tips on how to do that but i want to know specifically about um you talk about like breast massage your breast massage course and crystal lawn course and self pleasure can you dive into that a little deeper with us and take some of the taboo away from that for us yeah definitely definitely so my courses are really focused around self-intimacy right self-intimacy um re-awakening our senses and healing body mind spirit through embracing our own touch and there can there’s so much to say here

(1:01:37) um but what i will say is that yeah we live in a world that is so focused on how you look your comparison in ranks to other people um doing good uh being seen as smart or intelligent getting things done accomplishing doing your goals all of that stuff and we can be so focused on how we look and all of that stuff that we forget about that it’s really all we really wanting to feel is liberated in our own experience of our body and of like life like we’re wanting to feel peaceful in this body that we have we’re

(1:02:19) wanting to feel good in our body we’re wanting to feel sexy sometimes we’re wanting to feel relaxed and peaceful and like pleasure that would be amazing for everyone i don’t i don’t know if anyone can raise their hand right now and if you are please send me a message and tell me that that’s not what you want uh so so yeah my my courses are really focused around that because at the end of the day that’s all we really want and it’s like i don’t want to diagnose anything but my course is the the goal that is what

(1:02:57) we do we work with our sexuality we work with our pleasure we work with opening ourselves to be able to see ourselves in these spaces and then just working on our physical body like breast massage for example is literally just a massage it’s like a massage as if you were massaging your arm it’s just your boobs and so there’s pleasure that happens there but it’s not necessarily a sexual thing like i don’t see breast massages quote unquote sexual it’s self-healing and it’s self-loving and it’s releasing

(1:03:27) emotions and there’s so many pieces to it that are actually not sexual and so um yeah these i’m i feel i feel really passionate about my courses i’m actually in launch of sex goddess right now and i actually have one a wand find me on my bed and yeah i mean this work ha i i really believe that this work has made me who i am today i wouldn’t have the confidence to be here right now if i didn’t open my sexuality in the ways that i have and learn how to work with the energy and channel the energy and

(1:04:04) create tantric practices and rituals for myself that really allowed me to dive into and surrender into my feminine and into really safe safety on this planet safety in this body safety with this health like there’s so many pieces that the my courses do that are so the point and it’s we’re accessing it through sexuality but it shifts the way we relate to our partners when we’re full sexually and so there’s so many pieces is there like a flow state we get into in that sensuality in embodying sensuality that

(1:04:47) can be kind of related to what you hear a lot that’s trendy right now is like getting into flow state i just i don’t know why that’s popping up for me but do you feel like that can be something we tap into easier when we practice sexuality and sensuality and being with ourselves that way yeah absolutely one of the things that i talk about often is that we usually have a pleasure bar and we usually only allow a certain amount of pleasure in and so when we can practice consciously bringing more pleasure in we can

(1:05:18) experience more pleasure throughout the day like it goes it extends into when we’re lying in bed with our lover at night or it extends into when there could be a fight or there’s a trigger and then we tune back into that pleasure practice we did we remind ourselves of all of those waves that we felt with ourselves and that retrains our body to hold that that vibration or maybe not that vibration but closer to that vibration more often in our life and if we’re not tuning into that vibration into that

(1:05:50) pleasure we’re looking to other things to get it maybe we’re looking towards sex which is obviously we want to look towards sex to get pleasure too but there is something to be said about having a personal practice with yourself that then flows into your everyday tasks that allows the everyday to be less mundane and more pleasurable so to me that makes me connect the dots is the same way that meditation would uh you know retrain your neural pathways and and and bleed into the rest of your days and life um in order to keep you you know

(1:06:27) able to come back to a focus point able to come back to a calm but this is more about your body and how its own almost muscle memory in a sense is able to get back into alignment with the frequency it wants to embody the piece hopefully it’s pc over and over again cool completely yes um i liked your you had a recent post about self-pleasure and how um [Music] it can be really useful to not um think about anyone else in order to pleasure yourself but to just um [Music] be turned on by yourself i guess um and i thought that was really cool i had

(1:07:06) never heard of that or i had never seen that suggestion or um and i i just saw it today so i haven’t put it into practice but i’m excited to try yay okay so this is exciting i feel excited to share about this so yeah oftentimes when we are again there’s nothing wrong with thinking about someone else or bringing someone else into this space necessarily especially if it’s integrated if you’re not like hiding it from yourself and you’re actually allowing yourself to fully experience that experience because

(1:07:41) oftentimes we do bring people into fantasy but it’s like people that we wouldn’t ever give ourselves permission to actually be sexual with or it’s um i love it so but yeah anyways practicing self-pleasure without bringing another person into the space allows you to attune to your body in a way different way right it allows you to feel sensation in a way different way where it’s it’s not about sexiness it’s not about arousal it’s it’s about sensation it’s about feeling and it’s

(1:08:30) about your emotions it’s about like what’s actually happening in your body and it’s about touching yourself with love and care and compassion and sexiness too but it’s about like really being there with you and i shared in the video and this is what’s in sex goddess but i share tantric practices that we use breath as one of the pieces that we work with we use breath we use sound and we use visualization of either light um like things like this so it’s kind of like you’re doing yoga with your

(1:09:07) sexuality in the space it’s like you’re kind of you know in a yoga class they might tell you to imagine that there’s light pouring in from your crown as you’re in shavasana right so it’s similar in in the practices that i share and then the what i’m tuning people into is this space where it is about that healing and that softness and about being with your self and your sexuality in a way that it’s really just about you yeah so yeah it makes it all about self-care i really like that i definitely

(1:09:42) need to establish that as part of my practice we’ll let you know how it goes i’m also curious um how do we identify and unwind where we’ve become a bitter victim or in your words um on your page you said a bitter [ __ ] yeah so i wrote that post because what i had realized was that i you know my quote unquote bitter victim was the part of me that was emasculating my partner and basically wanting him to change telling him that he’s doing things wrong and really what it stemmed from was that it didn’t have better

(1:10:23) boundaries at the very beginning and also throughout the relationship and so when something you know when i didn’t like something instead of having a hard boundary i would say a boundary but then if it wasn’t respected i would maybe be easy about it or not let it go it’s not something as simple as like for example i if i’m sharing a bathroom with a partner i really like organization and cleanliness and i just know in my next relationship that’s a hard boundary for me but because i had let something as simple as that slide

(1:11:02) so much well what happened was then i became like what’s wrong with you why are you doing this but that’s just maybe his way of living and it could be totally fine and he might there might be a woman that loves how that particular thing right but because i didn’t hold better boundaries throughout the relationship about the things that i need i then started to blame him like you did something wrong or you’re doing this wrong or what’s wrong with you but it’s really it was about me so it’s the the bitter victim

(1:11:35) piece is really about taking personal responsibility for the ways that you don’t hold boundaries toward your intimate relationships and to certain patterns that are coming through and um and yeah if you’re in a space where you’re like feeling like you’re emasculating your partner or you’re feeling [ __ ] or you’re feeling moody or you’re feeling naggy or you’re feeling like a victim like how did this happen to me why i’m in this relationship look at your boundaries look at the look

(1:12:02) at your desires look at how you let things slide yeah i think that i tend to be such a giver um that if if i i give so much and i and and i’m not asking for much back so then when they don’t give back i resent them for it and then i become bitter in that way which is really a boundary as well because it’s it’s asking for what you want so being more um having boundaries on yourself too to not over give to where you’re so spent completely yeah i don’t even know too that like i think giving is a very broad term

(1:12:40) and i think you know we only think of giving in the sense that we want to receive right because we might be taking for granted the way they’re giving in some other company it might not be our love language yeah yeah or just because we’re taking it for granted we’re not even noticing the effort that that piece is being um put forth and that’s what we’re feeling in the moment like you’re talking about jade is that your piece that you think you’re putting all this effort towards and consciously like

(1:13:07) putting out for them and giving with is something that they might just take for granted and that probably comes from their own domestications and you know other relationships and maybe their childhood i don’t know but whatever the reasons are i feel like we kind of pair up with partners too that might take what we consider our biggest giving our biggest like gifts almost for granted sometimes and that’s such a trigger and then we do the same to them you know or they become uh through the relationship and after

(1:13:40) time we also become accustomed to knowing that that’s what they are going to give so then we do take it for granted if we didn’t in the beginning yeah it’s such a it can be such an addicting pattern this one because when we give something and it’s either not being seen not being received like it wants to be received and so instead of going i’m giving and it wants to be received but it’s not being received here so maybe someone else will be a match to receive it we go it’s i’m giving and

(1:14:12) it’s not being received let me try harder let me try harder let me keep going and so that’s a pattern that i see a lot of women get into is that um or or people in general like we give and it’s not being received and that becomes a an addictive behavior until we recognize that we actually are ready to be held and to be given to as well and to be received right and so it can be like this pattern that keeps going until we realize that i actually don’t want to drain my energy so i am going to give

(1:14:46) but i am going to be aware of like i’m going to give a hundred percent but it stops there like i’m not going to go 200 percent right because we giving 100 yes give your full heart like open as fully and deeply as you can in where you are because that’s where you are but no do notice if you are going overboard in a way that’s depleting your energy yeah that makes me think of being uh empathetic to a place of unhealthiness you know like overly um imbalanced in that sense of of giving and with no boundaries i guess that’s

(1:15:20) what you’re speaking to yeah and um [Music] how in that how do we learn how to identify what is our responsibility and what is theirs this is a tricky question um i feel like most people in relationship need to take 100 responsibility all of the time because when we get into it you did it or i did it anything like that we’re not aware of the fact that no one’s wrong like we’re all learning and we’re we’re we’re doing relationship together and so if let’s say there’s a trigger or an

(1:16:05) argument between a couple if both people can come in and say okay i’m willing to see my part and the other person’s going okay i’m willing to see my part let’s let me take ownership of what was mine and you take ownership over what is yours that is a very healing experience because both people are admitting and sharing where they see themselves and especially if both people are open to their blind spots here’s what i can take responsibility for and i’m open to share what what i for you to share what i can’t see

(1:16:38) and then vice versa and that is like standard healthy relating to be in the experience where it’s not about what you did wrong or what he did wrong but it’s about okay what just happened and how can we both come own our boss own our pieces here yeah yeah and i think also remembering um not to [Music] ever have the attitude of like i’m i matter more than you do i feel like we can easily get caught up in that subcon we don’t even realize that we have that mentality but we get we get stuck there subconsciously i’ve

(1:17:17) done that yeah completely especially when we’re in pain or we’re triggered in that moment where we’re literally triggered into little girl or little boy and little girl a little boy is like i matter most like i’m crying pay attention to me right and so it’s it’s bringing awareness to that part of ourselves and also cr cultivating a relationship with our inner little inner children yeah yeah that’s huge my mom is always tell me mercedes the world does not revolve around you oh my gosh i always think about that i

(1:17:52) was like are you sure because it feels like it does it feels like how can we learn um to self-soothe so that we can start being responsive instead of reactive in those times as well learn to feel and process your emotions so it’s really about having the tools to do emotional release practices whether that’s screaming into a pillow or like banging your bed or crying or taking a hot shower these or just laying down on the floor with a hand on your heart or curling up into a ball and cuddling yourself like all of these things are

(1:18:37) you your body learning how to remove and release the emotion that’s coming through because in these moments like the most important thing that we know how to do that we can do is self-soothe and if we are triggered in a moment it’s important to not judge or try to figure out what we’re triggered about or to try to intellectualize what’s happening and instead just allow the emotion to move through our body that’s when we get a lot of clues about what is actually going on and usually if we’re in our

(1:19:12) brain trying to go okay he did this and i did that and uh and i’m so triggered and we’re in that space it is not gonna be healthy and it’s not gonna be helpful and so self-soothing is about entering the body and giving yourself space to emotionally process whatever is coming up i wanted to touch on two things that um you shared recently on the idea that so the first thing is the idea that men want more sex than women being a complete lie and the other is that the masculine is attracted to the feminine pleasure and

(1:19:53) receptivity so can you kind of go into those with us a bit because this kind of rocked my world i was like but how so okay so yeah i remember when i was growing up that that term that men want sex more than women it was just everywhere and i think that it is not true um the feminine in general in in all and all of us wants to be filled by love once the experience of love and connection and communion and safety and bliss and experiencing emotion all of that is possible in sex like sex brings so many of the pieces for the feminine and especially since

(1:20:44) there’s this huge feminine awakening on the planet women are becoming more aware of themselves they’re doing yoga doing like all kinds of things right like there’s a feminine awakening happening and it’s been happening and so the women that are in that zone generally and also any woman is that’s even connected to her body can want sex more than a man because the masculine is more concerned with like silence and space spaciousness and presence and so again it’s not it’s not um it’s kind of creating categories so i

(1:21:39) don’t want to necessarily it’s not true for everyone right some men want sex more than women you can’t really say that it’s all this or the other but there are a lot of women that are experiencing right now on the planet that they want sex more than their partners do they’re in marriages or they’re in long-term relationships and they’re the one that wants more sex and it’s it’s the it’s the desire to commune it’s the desire to be in a space of love it’s the desire to fill up on life force energy

(1:22:10) and to release emotion and to experience moments of bliss together and yeah the receptivity piece that i had mentioned i shared that because for the women that do want more sex like if you’re like yes i’m in a relationship and i want more sex than my partner does and it’s that can be actually a very challenging experience for a woman um when that’s happening when that dynamic is happening although it’s happening a lot and so the receptivity piece is a guidance and a reminder that the masculine is

(1:22:44) attracted to the feminine when she’s not in neediness or needing him and so that receptivity piece is like waiting and being in pleasure and allowing him to come in so my example was to like touch yourself softly while laying in bed next to him or to even self-pleasure next to him or to dance in front of the mirror while he’s taking a shower just for yourself um because doing this is you’re tuning yourself into your own pleasure which is an attraction for fr for the masculine they’re like whoa that that’s juicy i

(1:23:24) want some of that right and it’s not again if if we’re coming in going i want i want sex you never want sex why don’t you want sex it’s again that emasculation piece right so if we instead focus on our own pleasure and and being receptive and like calling him in i mean we’re all we’re all like witches we’re all the secret [ __ ] we have all these archetypes in us so can we like be that and feel that in our body and then call him in from that space takes out a vulnerability well yeah and because i

(1:23:58) think the initial thing that gets triggered to me when we talk about dancing in silk in front of him or being pleasure in bed next to him and pleasuring yourself um is that you know i’m thinking why am i seeking the validation from him that he will come and decide he wants to be next to me or i will be calling him into me because what if he doesn’t right and that’s a vulnerability piece but like you’re saying if you’re fully doing it for yourself which i think takes a shitload of work to get to a place where you can

(1:24:28) actually be doing it for yourself without like hoping this potential outcome will be the outcome so i’ll work on that too okay it’s homework it’s fun homework and that’s the thing too is that even if there are pieces of you that are like oh i’m doing this for me but i’m also doing it for him of course there’s parts that are doing it for him as well but then if he’s and then if he’s still no like there’s going to be times where that happens where you’re like in lingerie and you’re

(1:25:04) and giving him a lap dance and he’s like babe i just can’t yeah like i just can’t you know and so those are the moments to go like okay i am so hot look what i’m doing i am literally in lingerie sitting on his lap i am so sexy i’m going to go experience this myself i have such a shame trigger that comes up though but yes i totally get what you’re saying i feel like i would that rejection in a sense would feel so um like i would feel like i was all of a sudden i feel like i’m acting so

(1:25:34) desperate you know and that’s something i have to work out obviously myself but yes if i can stay with it and be like but i am turned on why do i need necessarily someone else to tell me that that’s okay or not okay yes i will i’m working on it i’m already working on it and yeah it’s a good way to um rid yourself of ego too also sometimes this is just a good thing to add is that sometimes we have an idea of what sex means and so um oftentimes when either a woman or a man says no to a sexual advance or anything

(1:26:13) like that sometimes they’re thinking oh well it’s gonna be how i’m thinking in my brain so you might also add like just come sit next to me and grab my hips or like come kiss me while i’m on the bed like there’s so many different ways to experience pleasure together and sometimes like when i just um heard of the rejection piece like i get that and we can open up to so many different varieties of what sex is what pleasure is what a connected sensual experience is and so we can open that doorway up as well for

(1:26:49) our partners and our partners can open that for us because sometimes we might not want to have sex but we’re totally available for kissing right and so there’s opening up that communication is is really important and like you said working on that piece around the shame and choosing in that moment that that comes up because it probably comes up in various levels to anyone in that moment where there’s quote-unquote rejection but then just choosing like okay here’s here’s that rejection here’s me feeling

(1:27:21) rejection what can i feel instead like is like do i want do i want to feel this anymore i don’t i know i don’t want to feel rejection right now so like what can i do instead i like that and for me a lot of it is coming up against that piece of me that i would call toxic masculinity in me you know like where i want things to turn out the way i want them to so if i have this idea that men are supposed to be the pers that the person who’s always uh chasing and you know the person who’s pursuing or something like that and so

(1:27:54) me coming and asking them for um whatever i want or telling them um that these are the things i want even or doing a sexy dance or laying in bed and pleasuring myself in front of all these things that might trigger that shame and desperation idea in my head is actually the toxic masculinity that we’re talking about and sometimes shaming men for that’s living in me and saying that i can only have this um you know like this idea that fits in a box of what sex is supposed to look like for me but the reality is that there’s a zillion other

(1:28:28) options and i need to step out of the toxic masculinity step into maybe more of my femininity so that i can open to all those options yeah so we have two questions from the magic mob before we go into our staple question or we do a little lightning round at the end um okay so katie asks when is the right time to leave a relationship so it’s gosh it’s so different for everyone right but a really good question to ask yourself is am i spending more time processing and thinking about this relationship and all of the

(1:29:10) quote-unquote problems or issues or things that i have that are not in alignment or things that are up for me about it am i spending more time doing that than i am doing other things my purpose my joy my friendships like am i spending like how much of your energy your your mind your awareness are you spending processing thinking about crying about journaling about the relationship that you’re in because you can also experience relationship where it’s mutually beneficial for both of you and there’s not as much processing

(1:29:47) there’s not as much like this is taking up all of my life right and again some people we need to have those kinds of relationships and to see and witness our shadow to go through our triggers and to really grow in a lot of ways those are really gross relationships but there comes a time where you have to be honest with how much emotional energy you’re spending on the relationship that you’re in um her other question is what is your most important daily practice um [Music] i guess i uh i can’t pick one

(1:30:31) [Music] i think if i would pick one because i it leads me into the others but the one that i will pick is every morning before getting out of bed i put my hands over my womb and i just start massaging my belly and just start massaging my body and awakening my body with love then i ask myself what do you need this morning and i i i leave a good portion a couple hours of my morning for whatever my body says so that might be breath work that might mean that it’s a little meditation that might mean just taking a long bath but i’m always i

(1:31:15) always ask my body what it means in the morning and i tune in and i practice listening it takes me back to that original piece that i said at the beginning that so much in my journey is about listening to my body so that’s one thing that you can’t do without i love that what about in relationship what would be your most important practice oh my gosh honestly um a self-pleasure practice really when i’m in relationship yeah because there are so many it’s so easy to close our hearts and to close ourselves off

(1:31:52) from being our highest best selves in relationship and coming and relating from a place of celebration of the other person not trying to tear them down all these pieces around the masculine and feminine and so when i’m in a relationship when i do my self-pleasure practice i’m opening my body and i’m opening my heart to love again i’m opening my i’m letting go of maybe a trigger or a challenge or something that came up earlier and i’m i’m i’m allowing myself to reintegrate into a

(1:32:26) higher field so that i can relate from that space so i definitely self-pleasure and i don’t think that people do self-pleasure enough while in intimate relationships and i’ve heard you speak on a listening practice it’s about sitting with each other you know at the end of the day and talking about the highs and lows of your day but just listening which [Music] i can see how that that’s the important part is just listening totally like not discussing anything but just being like yep i receive you yeah

(1:33:01) so that that practice was basically i mean remind me of that practice i guess because i i i’m sure i can remind myself later but here we are let’s tell the listeners too so the practice i’m not sure if i remember which one you’re specifically tuning into i want to say it was so the specifics were something like you would sit in front of each other and basically say here were the best and worst things that happened oh right right right and it can involve them i guess and then they would do the same back but

(1:33:35) nobody’s giving any feedback on each of those items especially if they’re right right so so yeah at the end of the day it’s really beautiful practice you can do with your partner to create a nice environment for yourself maybe light some candles get into a good mood and then yeah one person will say well first generate eye contact with each other so make sure that you guys are present and you guys are really listening to each other and then one person will start and they’ll share um the challenges of my challenges today

(1:34:14) were and you can do anything from had i got a stomachache while i was on a podcast or um when you left the left this morning without saying bye to me i felt insecure or whatever it is that comes up and you go until you’re complete right you just say all the challenges and then the other person says thank you i receive you and then they say my challenges were da da da da and then the other partner says thank you i receive you and then you do your wins so the best parts of my day and the things that i’m so grateful for are

(1:34:54) and then the other person receives that and then shares the best thing about their day and what they’re grateful for and then you close with a hug or kiss or that’s it and the best thing about doing this before bed is that your subconscious mind can process anything that came up during the day any triggers or challenges that you may have had and you’re not getting into us your mind about it like i need to figure it out and this actually takes a little bit of discipline because it’s totally easy for

(1:35:23) our mind to go wait that shouldn’t have been challenging for you like what’s what are you talking about let’s talk about that that’s not true right it wants to fight it wants to challenge and so this practice is getting into the habit of being able to listen to our partner’s experience without needing to change it at all yeah i really like that i definitely want to implement that that’s a great way to end the day yeah all right so there are a few short questions we’d like to ask everyone who

(1:35:50) comes on the show so first off if you could hug your younger self right now what would you say um [Music] if i could hug my younger self right now i would say [Applause] don’t focus on what everyone else is doing love yourself you are perfect your past is set you’re safe you love that if you could have the whole world read one book which would it be mine that’s not out yet yeah i was like wait a second no but i am spending this year writing a book so i’m super excited about dancing um yeah but my definitely i would say the like a sort

(1:36:43) of bible for me and one that really changed my life was the book [ __ ] by regina thomas howard i haven’t heard of that like it’s really good i downloaded it because i heard you say it on another episode all right if you could whisper one phrase to everyone on the planet what would it be you are held [Music] i liked that yeah i felt held when you said it thank you before we let you go where can people find you online and sign up for your courses so come to my instagram it’s at ashay sundara i share on stories there almost

(1:37:31) all the time almost every day and you can find out about all my courses and everything that’s happening on there and depending on i’m just a really close in this moment of recording this podcast to launching my new website so it’s ashandara.com and um i’m really excited to i’ve been working in the background of just my new site so it should maybe be out by the time this podcast gets launched beautiful awesome thank you so much yeah and if you couldn’t tell we are so ecstatic about the work you’re doing

(1:38:09) and it is already changing i mean just in the course of this podcast is changing my life and probably my relationship hopefully for my husband’s sake um so thank you so much for being such a light and doing all the work and putting all the effort in and becoming so knowledgeable to make a safe space for us to feel like we can be held and experience a better embodiment of our fullest selves thank you so much that feels it feels like um [Laughter] um sorry go ahead oh i was just saying i feel really really grateful to be in this space and

(1:38:55) i loved all of your questions and the way that like i can feel that you are really in my work as well and have really been in enjoying it and so i’m really celebrating both of you for being in integrity with the people that you bring on to your podcast oh thank you thank you so much your um conscious king post is one of my favorite posts i’ve ever read on instagram i have it um i like screenshotted it and referenced back to and i sent it to so many people so thank you so much for all of your posts and just

(1:39:31) for um how much you you’re you’re so vulnerable in all of your um it’s kind of like here i am take it or leave it um but you’re so graceful about it at the same time so thank you so much thank you love you all right so we will of course send you all the promos we make off of this um and let you know exactly what the date is that we’ll be airing it um i also wanted to say that i was on your website obviously building this bio but wanting to take some of your courses and you’re building a new

(1:40:04) site so this might not be an issue but i couldn’t purchase any of the courses so i don’t know if there’s a link broken but thank you i want to make that money so yeah it’s been on my list and i keep forgetting because like i don’t i i basically treat my website like it’s off but clearly it’s not off it’s clearly on because i’ve been working on the new one but yeah i’m gonna change that asap okay cool i mean if you’re not even right now promoting that stuff it probably doesn’t matter i just happen to

(1:40:35) be on there be like i do want to do that [Laughter] thank you so much we’ll let you know um about a week before this airs and send you the little um video promos that we make okay i’m super excited i love you have a good rest of your night thanks bye bye okay that conscious king post of her yes um i don’t know if you know which one i’m talking about but i do good okay i wished that i could make it into a magic trick um because it’s just so good um and it it reminds me so much of london angel winters and justin pierce’s work

(1:41:23) yeah it’s like the awakened woman but they turned like she turned it into conscious king instead it’s so good i love that yeah and we’ll figure out a way i’m sure to share that with our audience just through some something in the future now that’s rolling around in our heads you just saw that today so yeah we got we need some time to let that settle in um all right so speaking of that what’s your magic trick yeah speaking of all that magic so my magic today is it’s coming actually from john weinland

(1:41:56) who ashay said she just did a workshop with he is one of our favorites as well to just get in tune with who who we want to be in this idea of energetic agility and this idea of sexual polarity because he’s really an expert in that realm and then how we want to interact with our partners when it comes to moving in and out of those energies and so obviously goes very much in line with today’s show but he says that we have to be careful about the way we think so if we are embodying a thought like there are no good men or no good women out

(1:42:34) there that’s exactly what we’re going to experience in the world yes yeah right and even if someone amazing walks into our life by having that underlying script running in our minds we’re gonna find reasons to project onto this person to cast them into that negative light so it’s very important that we become aware when we are telling ourselves stories like that and that we rewrite them to something that will serve us better so that’s my magic trick is i’m inviting you to take a look inward and locate any

(1:43:04) stories that may be generalizing the opposite sex and write it down so for example you might be thinking to yourself men or pigs you know men are liars or women only care about money women are manipulative um and then once you’ve got that clear whatever your stories are there whatever your lies are there write down what your ideal statement would be to replace that negative one so for example you might write down men can be kind they can be loving and honest women can be generous and fair and trustworthy so something to replace that old script

(1:43:42) because you don’t want to draw in a person that is embodying any of those negatives or draw in someone amazing and then project that they are going to be that negative thing and create it out of thin air we want you pulling all those yummy juicy people into your life that you’re so excited to create union and um yeah i love that yeah i was just reading today about the benefits of mantra and how um it it’s like speaking something it like leaves the patterns on your brain absolutely so um yeah so i love that um and we do that

(1:44:23) we hear those things over and over again from our friends and family and from tv that’s the thing with mantras you’re repeating it too you’re repeating it over and over yeah so my magic trick i pulled from um from our guest today from her instagram um she posts so many uh just golden nuggets and um i always feel challenged to be better when i and it’s in an attainable way which is nice um when i see her post but this one is about triggers which i have been so low on sleep lately that i have been very easily triggered

(1:44:59) um and so i’m going to read her her post about about you know how we can use these um so she says your only goal when you’re triggered is to regulate yourself out of the trigger that’s it it’s not up to your proactive personal development goal-oriented fixer mind to come in and save you it’s not the perfect moment to talk and figure out your relationship since things are up when you’re triggered you leave your body you get brought into your wounded self the one who wasn’t loved cherished

(1:45:31) adored seen respected you can easily murder relationships moments and damn even worlds when you let the reptilian brain of yours run the show in trigger zone so the only real work when triggered is to get back into your body that’s it it’s simple but it takes major devotion because all parts inside will fight against it your ego wants the spiral of energy the thoughts that continue to destruct but it’s alive but i get to speak my truth your ego says resist and ground into you your body is coded with love from source

(1:46:07) your breath knows nothing but life you can come back don’t push it on to the person who triggered you take responsibility it’s your trigger the simplest way to embody this when you’re triggered simply repeat these words to yourself i am triggered right now enough times until your brain reminds your body that it’s time to shake it off relax cry release and move it before talking about it do this before speaking your truth your trigger doesn’t have unconditional love and empathy in mind it’s primal the

(1:46:42) only thing to do is to come back to body and to source take yourself on the journey isn’t it good i i love she really challenges me yeah take responsibility it’s your trigger like that’s [ __ ] damn it i know because there’s even though we know we’re triggered there’s something about us that still wants to make it the other person’s responsibility yeah because well i don’t want to you brought this up to me and or when you when you said this it really triggered me we’re still making

(1:47:14) it about them yeah we’re not yeah so i mean this like i really really needed to read this i always need to read it but i have gotten better about when i feel myself triggered because it is a bodily feeling so i think like she was talking about earlier is you know somatically stepping stepping into your body and noticing whenever you feel that feeling of anger or that feeling of you know even heat sensation that happens when someone says something that you don’t like and then go into that first because

(1:47:43) that’s kind of going to be the source of how do we get yes yeah because then you’re also not speaking from that triggered place and you’re um [Music] yeah you’re out of the emotion of it completely tricky yeah and you may not even feel like you need to say it anymore to be honest because you might own it all the way it might be 100 yours again you know like yeah you realize it’s yours here like oh now i’m kind of embarrassed that i even i i reacted yeah yeah and um another little piece to that is

(1:48:15) that um there’s this cool thing that another guest that we’re gonna have on actually down the line here um might speak to more in depth but front loading so when you feel yourself triggered and you’re really in the [ __ ] with your partner for instance or with your mother or whoever it is that’s triggering you you notice those feelings and if you are like look i cannot move through this quick enough in order to come at it from a responsive place versus a reactive place right come at it from a place where your

(1:48:45) heart centered you can do something called front loading which is basically saying i am triggered and this is how i’m feeling right now in my body and i don’t want to say anything more until i feel like i’ve moved this through my body and can come from that conscious heart centered place if you’d like to speak on this further then i need you to know that that’s the place i’m coming from right now and it’s probably not going to feel great so if you’re anchored enough and you’re

(1:49:12) um still in your heart center and can take the triggers that i might be triggering in you then we can go there but that’s the front loading you do in order to get to the um you know in order to to to put a piece in front of what you’re about to say that might be coming from something that’s not heart centered even so i think it’s better to find a way to walk away from it to come back to it when you have a better softness about it yeah yes keyword softness too um i wanted to mention um before we say

(1:49:46) goodbye that our listeners truly get us and as much as some really hectic days can have us feeling overwhelmed and like we’re struggling to keep up with the work we’re doing here what’s the point it makes it 100 worth it when our magic mob speaks up and shows us the love so thank you guys for every review that you’ve left yes you guys when you guys take the time to send us heartfelt reviews it fully redeems us and reminds us why we’re putting so much time and effort into this you know jade is a mother of two

(1:50:15) toddlers so as you can imagine she’s got a lot on her plate and i am traveling all over the world you guys see my instagram you know that we are busy gals and this is the work that fills us up probably more than anything else we do um not besides jade’s children i’m sure that fills you quite a bit but it opens me up and it empties me at the same time exactly it’s a labor of love you guys and um we are just so glad to have you filling us to the brim and so much so that we’re able to spill over and share our own light with the

(1:50:50) world so thank you so much without you we would not be able to do this work we appreciate you um yes yes thank you guys so much all right so we’re also just super thankful that you’re tuning in and taking this journey with us if this episode held some magic for you please share it with your friends and family this would mean so much to us and help us as well don’t forget to join us on our instagram page at the magic hour also and let us know what your favorite episodes have been so far we appreciate all of your feedback and

(1:51:24) want to know what’s lighting you up yes and we release a new episode every monday so you can catch us again next week or go listen to some of our past episodes in the podcast library now we’ll meet you there until then be a light be a lie oops i didn’t realize that you had so many notes here at the end um and she she really didn’t everything she said was good but she really didn’t hit on most of the